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 Post subject: The Radcliffe Mix Review Installment Plan
PostPosted: Fri Nov 02, 2007 9:56 am 
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Go Platinum
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The Radcliffe Mix Review Installment Plan

You still describe it as you latest undertaking
It seems to me it's been a life time in the making
And somehow it won't come right
Somehow it won't come good
Somehow it won't come easy
Not that you though it would


I've been a little tardy. No, I have. Two years tardy. For that I partly apologise.

Of course, with his typically rougish bluster and scant respect for common practice within decent society, Mr. Radcliffe must also accept some portion of blame for disobeying the 'no more than 18 tracks on a mix' rule. After all, can one really expect a man of my limited creativity to come up with twenty five paragraphs in a row? Clearly this was, and remains, beyond my capabilities.

Instead, I will build the review up by installment. The cadavers of the two three fifths completed reviews will be picked, vulture like, if still relevent; new material will spring forth when the magic fairy dust of inspiration starbursts above my shrivelled mind.

Before the reviews starts proper, I'd like to thank two extraordinary individuals.

Fletcher Saltoun, an unknown Scots poet, sadly to remain unknown as his specially commissioned introductory couplets for each track failed to make the cut, I thank for staying sober for upwards of fifteen minutes on the 31st March during our brief collaboration: such was his commitment to the task. Truly, the man suffers for his art, as I suffered on reading it.

I would also like to thank my good friend Omar Bongo, President of the Gabonese Republic no less, who assisted me with the highly complex procedure of scoring each track. In doing so he had to take time out from the hectic government business of buying fleets of opulently kitted out Toyota Landcruisers for his extended family from state funds. For this I am eternally grateful.

A manly embrace to each of them...but now...the review....

1. VEDA HILLE instructions

I assume Mr. Radcliffe put Veda Hille on this mix because I expressed a fondness for her track on the last mix he sent me. Awwww, isn't that nice? Always so keen to please, he's just a little sweety!

Well, actually, I don't like this one as much. Veda sounds rather like a harrassed primary school teacher failing to control Caitlin's group who are giggling demonically, running around with scissors - blades pointing outwards - and all the while using liberal amount of that school glue you apply with a plastic paddle to stick shiny stars to each others faces.

And all this to music that sounds like a flea circus making a bid for freedom across a piano.

Over to you Omar...

Image "Konstanti, he give dis TREE OUTTA FIVE, MAN!"

2. JENNY MAE cameltoe

If I were to draw out a list of my five most hated words or phrases 'cameltoe' would be one of those which would be tossed into the linguistic garbage can, so naturally I went into this song already violently bigoted against it.

As it turns out I was correct to hate. Droopy trumpet and ponderous bass conjures up the imagine of a big, fat, dumb sauropod obliviously muching on aquatic weeds as Comet Konstantin scorches through the Earth's upper atmosphere bringing with it nickel-iron oblivion.

Omar, my man!

Image "Konstanti, he give dis TWO OUTTA FIVE....VERSION!"

3. DEVIN DAVIS iron woman

I was once told by a policeman that they always know someone is making up a false name if the first and surname start with the same letter. Funnily enough, I acquired this fantastic insight into the detection of criminals just after I'd told Plod my name was Alan Archibald, in the immediate aftermath of taking a short cut through a childrens playground in my truck, laden as it was, with a consignment of stolen cigarettes.

Presumably then if Devin Davis ever plays within the beat of Strathclyde Police, he to, may be in a spot of bother.

Still, I'd be quite prepared to dynamite him out any high security cell in the country as this track is a short, simple, enthused stab of guitar pop that is impossible not to like. After all, I, like everyone else, prefer my minstrels free range and those who massage our ears with the joy of life should run wild and free, unencumbered by the overbearing arm of the law.

O! O! O! Give us the sco!

Image "WHOLE LOT A SUGAR DOWN DER! Konstanti, he give dis FO OUTTA FIVE, WWWAAAHHHH, NATTY, AAAAA!"

4. THE LEAVING TRAINS bob hope
coming soon

5. CHAD VAN GAALEN clinically dead
coming soon

6. P:IANO dark hills

Boasting the sort of regimented, yet muted, clatter you might expect to eminate from the production line of a Stalinist teapot factory, you certainly can't accuse this group of ploughing well furrowed ground.

Satie-esque piano and shuffling percussion morph into the vodka dazzed war nostalga of a Great Patriotic War general, all rolling drums and distant bugles, before those teapots start rolling off the assembly line once again, bound no doubt, for the graceful tearooms of Kaliningrad.

Oh, moustache of wisdom...

Image "THIS IS THE HEADQUARTERS OF THE UPSETTER! Konstanti give dis FO OUTTA FIVE, ROOTS!"

7. REV BEAT-MAN & THE UNBELIEVERS fuck you jesus fuck you oh lord

Starting off promisingly with seriously wonky ivories, this track brings to mind a long standing belief, perhaps a by product of having witnessed too many Les Dawson routines, that the piano should only ever be played out of tune. Just imagine how much better an Elton John or Billy Joel concert would be under such circumstances? 'Marvellous' would be to only scrape at the descriptive surface but back to the task in hand.

When this track got fully underway it was clear they had simply stolen The Velvet Undergrounds 'Run Run Run' and put blasphemy and swearing over the top. By all means, point out the flaws in the aetiological argument for Gods existence in off colour language but please do so with the accompaniment of an original tune - would be my perhaps over stern rebuff.

Play those bongos Bongo...

Image "DIS NO QUITE A SHAK ATTACK TRACK JACK! Konstanti he give dis TREE OUT OF FIVE! UGGH!

8. KRISTI ROSE this could go on forever

When not making love to handsome strangers on top of a mini grand piano, Kristi Rose, the worlds greatest undiscovered cabaret singer, performs sultry blues in the style of a small town femme fatale.

While this no doubt drives the men from the local timber factory wild with desire, those of us with a more cosmopolitan knowledge, take out our monocles to declare plumily "Fine and all, but the Detroit Cobras do this sort of thing so much better!"

Lets talk numbers Omar....

Image "ONLY THE STRONG SURVIVE, AHHH!!! Konstanti he give dis TREE OUTTA FIVE!"

_________________
He has arrived, the mountebank from Bohemia, he has arrived, preceded by his reputation.
Evil Dr. K "The Jimmy McNulty of Payment Protection Insurance"


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 06, 2007 3:42 pm 
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frostingspoon
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Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2004 12:31 pm
Posts: 12348
Location: last place I looked
This is awesome, K - I'll check back in for updates in November, 2009.


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