Gilead Gunslingers 50.20
Knights Who Say Ni 73.87
"WOO HOO!" exclaimed and exuberant coach Sketch as the final seconds ticked off the clock. "Thank God for that. I almost forgot what winning felt like." That great feeling returned to the Knights thanks to team captain Shaun Alexander (Rush: 119 - 2, Rec: 3 - 16 - 0). Most other contributions were modest at best, particularly from the wide receivers, but it was enough to win the first annual Opeth bowl. Coach backspace seems to have lost his just-win-baby enthusiasm. What's even more worrying is his benching of Thomas Jones (Rush: 137 - 0, Rec: 2 - 5 - 0) and leaving an RB slot open. "Who cares? It wouldn't have made a difference. Man, we suck," moaned the Gilead guru. Perhaps a team meeting and group hug will help the Gunslingers' spirits.
timmyjoe42er's 45.30
elephantstoners 84.47
Whatever Peyton Manning did in week 4 to kick things up he evidently forgot to do this week. Coach Tim had a week that was... very much in line for coach Tim. If not for Reuben Droughns (Rush: 72 - 0, Rec: 4 - 21 - 0), the highest scorer would have been the placekicker. "Hey, at least I started both of them. Get off my shit!" On the other end, coach j took the win in stride. While captain James maintained his Edge (Rush: 105 - 1, Rec: 4 - 42), his wide receiver corps suffered with Justin McCraiens and Devery Henderson not even touching the ball. "Hey, we're tied for the best record, and I'm always looking out for new talent. We're doing well. Good thing we played timmyjoe this week, though."
Rex and the Jedi 103.50
El Nacho de Muerte 85.63
Here's a match where the game players seemed to come out of nowhere. On coach Spade's squad, Eric Moulds (Rec: 7 - 59 - 1) had yet to register a blip on the fantasy radar and Terry Glenn (Rec: 7 - 118 - 2) fulfilled his sleeper reputation with another outstanding game. Those plus some level of contribution from every starter ("Balance, baby. I keep telling you all the Force is about balance!" remarked coach Spade) gave him a much-needed win over coach nacho. A lot of El Nacho barely showed up, and it took Mark Brunell (Pass: 322 - 2 TD / 0 INT, Rush: 17 - 0) and Antonio Bryant (Rec: 6 - 83 - 2) to keep things interesting. Still, in spite of the loss, coach nacho finds himself in a good spot of the standings."
The Sunlandic Twins 97.10
Repeat Offenders 115.83
Things are looking rather bitter-sweet in Sunlandia these days. The Indianapolis defense (3 pts allowed, 5 sacks, 4 INT, 1 Fum Rec, 1 TD) led the Twins to one of their best game thus far. Unforutantely, the ran into the Offender Freight Train, who subsequently ran over coach C-Man and crew. One might question the starting of Duante Culpepper on his bye week, but it wouldn't have made the difference here. Huskerpunk was just too good once again. Insurnace boy Matt Schaub (Pass: 298 - 3 TD / 0 INT, Rush: 3 - 0) made coach C-Man pay his dues at the QB position. Original oops-pick Tatum Bell (Rush: 127 - 2, Rec: 1 - 5) also showed that he was worth his high draft pick. "Yeah, I knew what I was doing... dude, he's a Denver running back. I could run behind that line and get 80 yards and a touchdown!" One has a difficult time questioning the coach's wisdom. At 4-1 and number two in the standing, the Offender train keeps on rollin'.
The Grape Rush 53.07
Max's Silver Hammers 76.00
Coach Max seems to be on the upswing. The controversial tie in week 3 have motivated the Hammers to a two-game winning streak thanks to some kind scheduling and a few injuries. The biggest stars for the Hammers were Rober Ferguson (Rec: 3 - 84 - 1) and Najeh Davenport (Rush: 54 - 2, Rec: 1 - 2 - 0), who probably would have not had their difficulties had Javon Walker and Ahman Green had anything to say about it. Perhaps it's karmic law that Davenport suffers an injury as well, but we'll see how coach Max handles the situation. It's a whole different outlook across the field as coach Ripple didn't have much to cheer about outside Santana Moss (Rec: 8 - 116 - 0). "McNabb crapped out, Ahman Green didn't play. What does a guy have to do to keep winning in this league?" Calls to the Billz, Huskerpunk, and j offices were not returned.
Sack of Worms 69.17
Execute Plan 9 100.77
Who knows how coach Billz keep winning, but he keeps on doing it. Steven Jackson (Rush: 77 - 1, Rec: 6 - 62) seems to be a big part of it, and that should also keep improving as Rams coach Mike Martz will sit six weeks with a heart condition. Chris Cooley (Rec: 8 - 82 - 1) also did a fine job from the H-back slot. Guess what, kids, coach Billz is still at the top of the standings despite conceding the total points lead last week. "Yeah, points don't mean nothing in the playoff race. I'm in the driver's seat, and I like it there. Bring it." Coach jagged did his best to do so, and it just didn't work out. Ronnie Brown (Rush: 97, Rec: 6 - 19) had a decent overall game, and Jerramy Stevens (Rec: 3 - 65 - 1) contributed well. In the end, however, the Sack was just outmatched. One wonders how much worse would it have been had the Drew Bledsoe trade
Lick my Lovepump 67.73
3.2% Evil 87.80
Coach robotboy summed up his Monday night situation quite well: "well this sucks." The Pump had a healthy lead after Sunday, but Ben Roethlisberger (Pass: 225 - 1 TD / Rush: 15 - 1) and LaDanian Tomlinson (Rush: 62 - 1, Rec: 7 - 68 ) still to play. As you might guess, it was more than enough to ensure coach Marco the win and keep him in the thick of the playoff race. There were a few bright sports for the losing them today, though. Steve McNair (Pass: 220 - 2 TD / 0 INT, Rush: 1 - 1) and Jamal Lewis (Rush: 95 - 0, Rec: 2 - 17 - 1) both played well, and things are looking bright for Cedric Benson, who may be getting some more carries in the near future.
Bolsheviks in Space 34.77
Andyfest 95.07
This game is proof that Russians know nothing about football. To be fair to coach Lambchop, his passing game looks better on paper. One wouldn't expect Marvin Harrison, Joe Horn, and Michael Clayton to combine for two receptions and 17 receiving yards. The Bolsheviks' two best performances were from both quarterbacks, and it's hard to coach with the uneven distribution of talent. "You're damn right it is!" exclaimed the frustrated coach. Meanwhile, coach Andy is back on the upswing, proving he can win the occasional blowout. "Koy Detmer leads me to victory!!!" he exclaimed. Well, actually Larry Fitzgerald (Rec: 9 - 136 - 1) did most of the work for Andyfest, who find themselves at 3-2 and in a playoff position in the standing. The rookie coach has shown flashes of brilliance so far this season. One wonders if he can keep it up.
Schadenfreude 89.23
Greased-up Deaf Guys 108.87
Coach Joy and friends were hoping that German trash-talk along with Steve Smith (Rec: 8 - 119 - 2) would have been enough to give his team the edge. Unfortuantely, foreign languages really don't come across to deaf guys. Benching Matt Hasselbeck (Pass: 316 - 2 TD / 0 INT, Rush: 4 - 0) didn't help matters much either. Coach paper had another great game. Torry Holt (Rec: 8 - 126 - 1) was the receiver of the week, and Tom Brady (Pass: 350 - 3 TD / 1 INT, Rush: 1 - 0) had a great game. It all led to the Deaf Guys holding onto second in the total points race. That plus their 3-2 record leaves them sitting pretty near the top of the standings.
Rocket Sauce 103.83
The Mendoza Line 83.37
Coach bitterbuffalo is finally coming around. A two-game winning streak shouldn't mean much for the leader in the total points race, but for the sauce it means everything. The wealth seems to spread around, and this week is was thrown to Anquan Boldin (Rec: 10 - 158 - 1) and Joe Jurevicius (Rec: 9 - 137 - 1). He even got a touchdown from fullback Patrick Pass! The rocket sauce is literally on fire, and unforunately coach Jehrico is the one who had to get burnt this week. The Line had a decent game thanks to Brett Favre (Pass: 215 - 3 TD / 0 INT, Rush: 9 - 0) and the emergence of Kevin Jones (Rush: 58 - 2). Unfortunately, he's a little strapped at wide receiver to the point of having to start
MATT JONES! "Dude just says his name in the locker room over and over again," complained coach jehrico. "I told the boys to not let him touch the ball. Ever. Maybe that will shut him up." One can only hope.
Code:
1. Execute Plan 9 4-1-0 .800 501.67 W-1
2. Repeat Offenders 4-1-0 .800 490.13 W-3
3. elephantstoners 4-1-0 .800 469.46 W-2
4. Greased-up Deaf Guys 3-2-0 .600 508.34 W-1
5. El Nacho de Muerte 3-2-0 .600 484.82 L-2
6. 3.2% Evil 3-2-0 .600 471.51 W-3
7. Andyfest 3-2-0 .600 454.08 W-1
8. The Mendoza Line 3-2-0 .600 424.10 L-1
9. Rex and the Jedi 3-2-0 .600 404.43 W-1
10. Gilead Gunslingers 3-2-0 .600 358.44 L-1
11. Lick my Lovepump 2-2-1 .500 369.76 L-1
12. Max's Silver Hammers 2-2-1 .500 329.47 W-2
13. Rocket Sauce 2-3-0 .400 515.66 W-2
14. Schadenfreude 2-3-0 .400 473.54 L-1
15. Knights Who Say Ni 2-3-0 .400 376.81 W-1
16. The Grape Rush 2-3-0 .400 337.31 L-2
17. The Sunlandic Twins 1-4-0 .200 394.27 L-2
18. Sack of Worms 1-4-0 .200 353.84 L-4
19. Bolsheviks in Space 1-4-0 .200 324.87 L-3
20. timmyjoe42er's 1-4-0 .200 303.14 L-1
Week 5 All-Stars
QB: Matt Schaub
RB: Shaun Alexander, Tatum Bell
WR: Steve Smith, Terry Glenn, Anquan Boldin, Joe Jurevicius
K: Jose Cortez
DEF: Green Bay
Season All-Stars
QB: Drew Bledsoe
RB: LaDanian Tomilnson, Shaun Alexander
WR: Torry Holt, Terrell Owens, Steve Smith, Plaxico Burress
K: Neil Rackers
DEF: Indianapolis
