Back when SNL was funny, oh.... 5 years ago? I was crying I was laughing so hard at these:

Bill Brasky Quote Archive
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"Bill Brasky is a son of a bitch!"

"Bill Brasky is the father of every kid in this town!"

"Bill Brasky once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and
it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!"

"One time I was with Brasky in the back of a pickup truck, along with a
live deer. Brasky goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Bill Brasky! SAY
IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it
say, 'Billbrasky' ... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good
for a deer!'"

"He'd eat a homeless person if you dared him!"

"His poop is used as currency in Argentina."

"He sweats Gatorade"

"He once breast-fed a flamingo back to health."

"He hated Mexicans! And he was half Mexican! .......And he hated irony!"

"I once saw him scissor kick Angela Landsbury."

"He sheds his skin once a year."

"He makes brooms somewhere in Georgia."

"He did 3 tours in 'Nam...... I was in Corpus Christi on business a
month ago. I had this eight foot tall Asian waiter, which made me
curious. I asked him his name. Sure enough it's Ho Tran Brasky!"

"I once saw him eat a whole live chicken."

"His favorite movie is 'One on One' with Robby Benson."

"He sleeps eight hours a night! ........ well, he was pretty normal when
it came to that."

"Bill Brasky was a two ton man-mountain who could palm a medicine ball!"

"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky took me out to go get a drink
with him? We go off looking for a bar and we can't find one. Finally
Brasky takes me to a vacant lot and says, 'Here we are.' We sat there
for a year and a half and sure enough someone constructs a bar around
us. The day they opened we ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the
place to the ground. Brasky yelled over the roar of the flames, 'Always
leave things the way you found em!'"

"Bill Brasky had a four day heart attack...a day for each chamber. At
the autopsy, they said his heart looked like a basketball filled with
riccotta cheese."

"He once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the
road."

"He taught me how to make love to a woman, and how to scold a child."

"They found $60 in change in his stomach."

"He did all the makeup on the 'Planet of the Apes' movie."

"He grew a 3rd arm and kept it in a vault."

"Brasky drank a full glass of liquid LSD with his eggs. Then he slept
for 8 months straight. When he woke he rubbed his eyes and said, 'All in
all, I prefer gin.'"

"They say Gene Roddenbery got the idea for Star Trek from listening to
Brasky talk in his sleep."

"He date raped David Bowie."

"He once inhaled a seagull."

"The Pope told him it was ok to have a mistress."

"It was the sight of Brasky's naked body that drove Brian Wilson
insane."

"He once had sex with a cigarette machine."

"He killed Wolfman Jack with a trident."

"He uses the Shroud of Turin as a golf towel."

"He once ate the Bible while water skiing."

"He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls."

"He sired a baseball team.. an orchestra if you count the bastards!"

"You know, he would shoot whiskey into his neck with a syringe!"

"He has dandruff the size of mice!"

"He jogged with a fridge on his back!"

"Bill Brasky was a 10 foot monster who slept with all our wives! And
punched us all in the face! And we loved him for it!"

"His first name is Bill! ....... I'm drunk."

"He's a ten foot tall beastman who showers in vodka and feeds his baby
shrimp scampi."

"He orchestrated the merger between Unicef and Smith & Wessen."

"He went public with his own buttocks and made $7 million."

"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky went hunting? Brasky decides
he's going to hunt down all four of the Banana Splits. He stalks and
kills every one of them with a machette. They all begged for their
lives...except Fleagle."

"We once had a bachelor party for Brasky. He ate the entire cake before
we could tell him there was a stripper in it."

"Brasky once hosted the Grammys and gave every award to Corey Hart."

"He has a toenail on the end of his penis."

"Brasky once got his wife pregnant and gave birth to a delicious 16
ounce steak. The after birth was sauteed mushrooms."

"Brasky's family crest is a picture of a baracudda eating Neil
Armstrong."

"Brasky ranked 18th in the AP College Football Pool."

"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky was in a production of, 'The
King & I?' On opening night, Brasky chloroforms the entire cast and
slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours. The production
got pretty good reviews."

"He breastfeeds John Madden."

"Brasky named the group Sha-Na-Na. They did NOT want to be called that."

"If you drop a phonograph needle on Brasky's nipple, it plays the Beach
Boys' 'Pet Sounds.'"

"They use Brasky's foreskin as a tarp when it rains at Yankee stadium."

"Brasky directed that commercial where the women play basketball in high
heels."

"All the 'Yes' album covers are Brasky family photos."

"He wears a live rattlesnake as a condom."

"Did I ever tell you about the time he taught his son how to drive? He
did it by entering him in the Indy 500. The kid wrecked and died. Brasky
said it would've happened sometime."

"Brasky's semen can form into a liquid human - like the guy from
'Terminator 2'"

"Brasky still believes in Santa Claus, and he wants to put him in porno
films."

"He thinks then iron man is gay."

"He framed Roger Rabbit."

"The character of Johnny Appleseed was based on Brasky - except for the
apple tree planting and not raping men."

"He gave a handjob to a manta ray."

So good

I must have missed those SNL years.

He taught me how to make love to a woman, and how to scold a child

the best.

I just can't imagine that list being said out loud. It would take someone strong of character and a will of iron to say it with a straight face.