From a friend's email, for my goyshe friends and fellow tribespeople, alike:

Christmas is one day, same day every year. December 25. Jews love Dec.
25th.
>It's another paid day off work. We go to movies and out for Chinese food,
>and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the evening of the
24th
>of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews never know
until a
>non Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a
>calendar so we don't look like idiots. We all have the same calendar,
>provided free with a donation from either the World Jewish Congress, the
>kosher butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in
Florida).
>
>Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same
>theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived, let's
>eat.
>
>Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos....
Jews
>get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or the collected works
of
>the Rambam which looks impressive on the bookshelf.
>
>There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide how to spell
>Chanukah, Chanuka, Chanukkah, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannuka, Hannukah or
>Hanukkah.
>
>Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends. Their
>partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that burden. No
>one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah.
>
>Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used for Chanukah.
Not
>only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about
>not contributing to the energy crisis.
>
>Christmas carols are beautiful. Silent Night, O Come O Ye
>Faithful.....Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a
>party and dancing the horah. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many
of
>the beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal brethren.
And
>don't Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully?
>
>A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet smell of
cookies
>and cakes baking. Happy people are gathered around in festive moods. A
home
>preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes and onions. The home, as
>always, is full of loud people all talking at once.
>
>Women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Women burn their eyes and cut
their
>hands grating potatoes and onions for latkes on Chanukah. Another
reminder
>of our suffering through the ages.
>
>Parents deliver gifts to their children during Christmas. Jewish parents
>have no qualms about withholding a gift any of the eight nights.
>
>The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names such as
>Mary, Joseph and Jesus. The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus,
>Judah Maccabee, and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it.
On
>the plus side, we can tell our friends anything, and they believe we are
>wonderfully versed in our history.
>
>Many Christians believe in the virgin birth. Jews think, Joseph,
bubela...
>snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant, you didn't sleep with her, and
now
>she wants to blame God!? Here's the number of my shrink.
>
>In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized. The
same
>holds true for Chanukah, even though it is a minor holiday. It makes
sense.
>How could we market a major holiday such as Yom Kipppur? Forget about
>celebrating. Think observing. Come to synagogue, starve yourself for 27
>hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest, confess
your
>sins, a guaranteed good time for you and your family. Tickets a mere
$200.
>per person.