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Twilightkid
 Post subject: Favorite ONION headlines
PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 11:58 am 
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"Wrestling announcer can't believe what he is seeing!"

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Sketch
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 12:01 pm 
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Cotton
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 12:02 pm 
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DumpJack
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 12:06 pm 
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Fun Toy Banned Because Of Three Stupid Dead Kids

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Cotton
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 12:20 pm 
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just saw these in the new one:



According To Bar Love-Tester, Inebriated Patron Okay To Drive


KISS Cover Band Guitarist Leaves To Start Vinnie Vincent Invasion Tribute Band

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Evil Dr. K
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 12:20 pm 
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Elvis Fu
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 12:50 pm 
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Alzheimers Patients Demand Cure For Pancakes

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A poet and philosopher, Mr. Marcus is married and is a proud parent.

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ricknroll
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 12:57 pm 
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Marc Singer Named Beastmaster General
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two guns holla
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 1:00 pm 
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During 9/11, their news coverage was called "HOLY FUCKING SHIT!", which I thought was funny despite the circumstances.
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Sketch
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 1:01 pm 
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dearly departed hoochie Wrote:
During 9/11, their news coverage was called "HOLY FUCKING SHIT!", which I thought was funny despite the circumstances.

Yeah, my headline is from the same issue. Classic.
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MontyTheMongoose
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 1:19 pm 
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"Dole's outer hull breached"

"Local stoners hold massive 'Kemp' rally"

"Taco Bell introduces new contraceptive burrito"
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Vanlandingham
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 1:21 pm 
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Walkin' Dead DumpJack Wrote:
Fun Toy Banned Because Of Three Stupid Dead Kids


That headline and story I remember being pretty damn funny.

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http://www.strikerbill.com Check it out hombre.

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shaMoxie
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 1:32 pm 
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Lutheran Pastor Loves to Fuck His Wife
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MontyTheMongoose
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 1:33 pm 
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Bobbing For Moxie Wrote:
Lutheran Pastor Loves to Fuck His Wife


And if you look closely at the accompanying photograph, it's the same family whose illegal-migrant maid died!
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fickerson
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 1:47 pm 
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oh, there are so many...

"Man, the terrorists win at everything"

"Delivery driver's grandmother dies for the third time" (the picture featured an actual delivery driver i worked with)

my favorite article, the headline was something like "Hundreds Killed in Nightclub Blaze," includes the line, "everyone just kept dancing and shouting, 'The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire! We don't need no water! Let the motherfucker burn!'"
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MontyTheMongoose
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 1:49 pm 
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fickerson Wrote:
my favorite article, the headline was something like "Hundreds Killed in Nightclub Blaze," includes the line, "everyone just kept dancing and shouting, 'The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire! We don't need no water! Let the motherfucker burn!'"


Even better:

"42 record-store clerks remain unaccounted for following Yo La Tengo concert inferno".
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Cotton
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 2:05 pm 
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ricknroll Wrote:
Marc Singer Named Beastmaster General


AWESOME

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djdan
 Post subject: The best
PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 2:25 pm 
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Bobbing For Moxie Wrote:
Lutheran Pastor Loves to Fuck His Wife


You beat me to it. The Onion will never top this article about the local Lutheran minister.

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When I spilled the milk It looked like the moon And I cried.

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djdan
 Post subject: Also like
PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 2:26 pm 
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Local DJ Conviced He Has Cult Following

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When I spilled the milk It looked like the moon And I cried.

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MontyTheMongoose
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 2:37 pm 
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"Area bassist fellated"
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fickerson
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 2:58 pm 
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speaking of the onion...
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DumpJack
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 3:01 pm 
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Sergei BILEka Wrote:
Even better:

"42 record-store clerks remain unaccounted for following Yo La Tengo concert inferno".


Yeah, that one is stone cold. I remember a funny line about it being a tragedy with green and gold pumas scattered amongst the ashes.

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jagged
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 3:33 pm 
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shaMoxie
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 3:54 pm 
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Gatorade Pledges $240 Million In Thirst Aid to Underquenched Nations

(The photo to caption "Jacksonville Jaguars celebrate Sudanese peasant Dese Marawi's victory over thirst" is what really makes it.)

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28321
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no guru
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 4:13 pm 
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some older ones from one of my Onion books:


Amish Give Up: 'This Is Bullshit,' Elders Say

Basketball Star Blames God For Defeat

All Y'all Urged To Go Fuck Yo'Selves: 'Ya'll Be Bullshit' Says Detroit Resident Dwayne Combs

Foppish Dandy Disregards Local Constabulary: The Eccentric Socialite Acts Out In A Most Inappropriate Manner

Tibetan Resistance Leaders Seize Yak: 'Whatever,' Say Chinese

Those Motherfucking Robins Are On Thin Ice With Me
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