My GF and I are approaching our first holiday season together. We both come from families that have strong traditions on Thanksgiving and X-mas. She has never spent one of those holidays away from her family and neither have I.

I spend my X-Mas with my dad's side of the family. The side I am not as close with. I am 100x closer with my cousins on my mom's side. So I see these people only once a year. And get a kick ass Italian meal to boot.

She has started planting seeds of wanting me to spend both holidays with her family. I immediately said that wasn't going to happen, and that perhaps we figure out a way that I do one of the holidays with her and the other, we do on our own.

She didnt seem to open to coming to my family, as her 'bond' at the holidays seems to be so much stronger then mine (rolls eyes).

Im thinking of doing the eve of both holidays with her family, and then taking the train to mine on the morning of the actual day.

So, the question to the couples....How did you handle your first holidays together?

You split the holidays unless you really don't care about being with your own family.

We split them up. And then rotated the next year. Been doing it ever since. That'll probably change once we add some little ones to the mix.

We split time with both families.
But after that, it got easier, as I'm Jewish and she's Lutheran, so we just did the Jew holidays with my fam, and the Christian holidays with her's.

My in-laws are actually coming to our Thanksgiving this year, so...

But I don't suppose that helps your situation at all?
Maybe one year at one and the next at the other?

Sweden does not celebrate Thanksgiving. I will be spending it alone with my parents this year.

As far as Christmas goes, we have been alternating years. We have a seperate day where we exchange gifts with our family.

The first Xmas with the ex was spent in Boston with his family. We did that because he'd already met my family and I'd never met his, nor had I ever been to Boston. It was my first Xmas away from my family, but I lived. I was lucky because he never really cared about being with his family for the holidays, so we spent every holiday with my family after that.

I do think that being happy on the holidays is very important, so if you want to be with your family, you should do just that.

My mom and dad were really lucky because every year, their families would switch off.... for instance, my mom's family would have thanksgiving the week before the actual holiday while my dad's family had the actual day. Then on Xmas, my dad's family would hold their celebration a week before and then mom's would have the actual day. That worked because everyone was very easygoing and flexible.

yeah, you gott split 'em up. But remember, you'll never be able to make both families happy at the same time...don't let anybody guilt you into insane travel plans just to keep the peace.

Been there, done that

what Gordo said, with the qualifier that my support isn't from coupled experience as much as recently-split-family experience. There seems to be a strong paralell here.

yeah, it's pretty close. my parents are divorced. one lives in puerto rico, the other near philadelphia. i live in chicago. my sister and i have pretty much known for years that no one will be pleased with holiday plans. this year my mother's visiting me for thanksgiving and i'm going to see my dad for christmas. i think my sister will be with my dad at thanksgiving and with my mom at christmas. i haven't seen my sister in almost a year. it's tough.

1. don't make it a competition, and don't let her make it one either. you're both grown ups which means who knows how much time either of you have with loved ones. See the people you need to see, you can see each other later if need be. She loves you? She'll understand and thank you for understanding.

2. if every one lives in town you can hike around and see people on the same day together or split eves and days, whatever... team effort makes it happen

3. if you see her family but she doesn't see yours, there will most certainly come a time when you can point this fact out to try and get out of doing something for her. Don't. You can't rack up get out of jail free cards with women. You might also try to get her to comply with something you want to do later. Don't. You can't collect, only she can. These are the unspoken rules. Invite her, thank her, etc. Any time you spend with her family, thank her for the invitation and treat it as such, cause that's what it is. They're important to her, you're important to her, she's inviting you into the circle. Same if she sees your family. But if you can't make it happen cause you need to see, oh, say your gramma. Tell her you'd like to go, but you want and need to go do the other thing and thank her for understanding. Remember the law of supply and demand. Here's a hint, guys don't have the supply.

Good luck.

Oy. Holidays.

I come from divorced parents and have a child from a previous marriage and a child from the current marriage. Talk about holiday hell.

For years my parents rotated thanksgiving and easter. And Xmas eve is always with our mom, and christmas day with our day. And xmas eve my son is with me and then late Christmas morning goes to Milwaukee with his dad.

Except now with both of us remarried and with babies from that marriage we rotate Thanksgiving and Christmas. Last year we went to NH for thanks and were home for Christmas. This year they're going to Pittsburgh for Thanks and we're going to NH early Christmas morning. Which means I don't get to see my dad, and I know that secretly bugs him.

Charlie hates traveling so he prefers to stay home with whichever parent. What sucks is that I hate being away from him at all at Christmas time and I always get pissed at his dad for taking off at that time instead of waiting a day at least to go out to see his wife's family.

Splitting sucks.

But in the GF/BF stages, you both have to do it and if she's not open to your family then tell her you're not spending any with hers. Why should you compromise if she won't??

I think what Phil is trying to say is despite your best intentions, there is a 90% chance it'll end in her not being happy about the situation.

there's no way to quantify this, so she should quit trying. you guys should split up the holidays if its imperative that you spend holidays together. but at this point in your relationship, it might not be.

I agree with Phil... there's nothing worse than making this a competition.

We basically each spend x-mas eve and x-mas day with our respective families and then meet up at either family's place the days before and after. That way no one misses out.

you da man.

thats the thing. i dont see her trading off yearly...she has been to a few family gatherings so far, but the big ones, she wants to do with hers. i ahvent played the role very well of standing my ground and have caved in situations more often then i should have, but its only been 6 months...i can still make it up to a degree...

thanks for all the input.

Yes.

But do what you have to do, ultimately you'll respect yourself for it if you split and you're like, damn, wish i'd spent that last christmas with granny before she died. She made the best cannoli ever.

And by saying thank you for the invitation, etc... you're setting an adult tone for the conversation and implying mutual respect. Don't let it denigrate into an emotional thing, cause women just have more societal claim to emotions and it isn't right or fair, but it's a fact. By inviting her to be logical about YOUR emotions, you're treating her like an equal.

Send flowers and a nice card to her at her family's place. Everyone will be stunned and no one can talk shit. If she's actually mad at you, you will totally short circuit her brain.

I'd add that part of the problem is in making it an "eiher/or" thing.
Make sure you work it out together, not just give eachother "final statements'.

Wife and I are lucky that we live fairly near both families.

Also, I can't stand Turkey and most holiday foods, so missing my family's big holiday meal is no big deal to me at all. We usually have breakfast, which I like much better, with my family and head to her family in the afternoon, splitting the day.

No matter how you do it, unless your families are the model of mental health, you'll end up with at least someone from one side or the other getting bothered by whatever you choose. So, worry more about what works for the two of you rather than what your families are gonna feel about it. I'm not a fan of the splitting up thing, but that's a personal deal. To me, the holidays are as much about spending time with my wife as other family members.

Oh...and every case is diffrerent, but I rack up get out of jail free cards fairly regularly...which is fortunate as I tend to need them.

So what do deena and i do for the holidays? Christmas at my family is non-existent, and thanksgiving is really important. I LOVE cooking for my family. I've made every thanksgiving dinner except one since i was like 8 or 9. But flights are so expensive.

Then flights are freaking expensive at Christmas too, and our parents are a 7 hour drive away from each other.

I guess we'll just invite anyone who wants to get out of the snow to come and visit us? Maybe not.

I should also note that we have a special time set aside for just my wife and the kids on Christmas before we go hiking over to the grandparents and such. We come first as a unit, and the extended families comes second and third. They just rotate on who is #2 and #3 which years.

That's a good idea. Last year, after all the holiday hoopla, we decided to go away together for 2 night over New Years. Very nice indeed.

kill one of the families
problem solved

This was an easy solution for me, because Femgar's family is just her and her parents, so we loaded em all up and had em come to The Compound last year. The fact that they are still allowing her to marry me is amazing.

Too funny. Where'd your avatar go? Are they all tall? How'd you fit? Who rode in the back?

<-- ADHD

I'd suggest this kind of arrangement, but maybe switch it around so you spend the eves with your dad's side since you say you're not as close. This is a compromise for you, and she compromises by having to give up some time with her family. You both need to give up something here, obviously. If only one of you gives up, the other is going to become bitter eventually, I guarantee it. As someone else pointed out, there may come a day when you don't have a chance to see one of those people, and you may be very unhappy that you gave up opportunities to see him or her because of someone you were dating (that you may no longer be dating.)

And regardless of whether she feels you have a "lesser bond" with your dad, you still have a legitimate right to see him on these holidays. Personally, I'd be a little pissed at her belittling comment about the bond thing there, but it's probably better to just let that roll off for now.