The Obnerian survivor must understand the body's nutritional needs and how to meet them. This chapter provides details on the most likely sources of late night food stuffs and what one can expect upon entering such establishments.

24 HOUR GARAGE

Clerk may put his hands up on entering store. Explain calmly that you mean him no harm, you love him deeply and that every is going to be alright. Then dance in front of the drinks cooler for 45 minutes techno techno techno techno. 24 hour garages cannot be beaten for candy bargains so make sure to take advantage of any special offers, most likely a metal mesh basket near the till with a sign saying "5 Double Deckers for a £1".

Don't be frightened or confused if they have tomorrow's newspaper on sale. This is quite normal.

KEBAB SHOP

You will normally only wander into Kebab shops in a state of utter confusion and bewilderment. Try to regain some level of alertness as soon as possible. You will know you have entered a kebab shop when a man that looks like a rural police chief, but with dark skin, holds your money up to the light to make sure it has a watermark and then carves a sliver of disgusting meat off a rotating pole with a Roman gladiators sword. He will then throw half a Iceberg lettuce at you and tell you to fuck off in a foreign accent.

You will respond by taking one bite out of said kebab and then leaving the rest on the roof of the nearest parked car before vomiting on the steps of a church.

THE PIZZA PARLOUR

Pizza is usually eaten on the premises. Excessive levels of green, red and white neon may make you feel nauseous and watch out, that wet terracota tiled floor is just asking for trouble. Feel free to argue for up to 45 minutes with your friends over topping choice even though they all just taste of cheese. Pizza parlours will almost certainly have a pay-phone so you can call your mum up at 3a.m in the morning and shout "I won't be home tonight COS I'M REALLY FUCKING DRUNK!!!" even though you left home 11 years ago. When picking pieces of pineapple or ham off someones pizza try to make sure they are part of your entourage or at least baked out their heads on marijuana.

FISH AND CHIPS

Cheap, cheerful and an excellent source of corinary enducing levels of grease. Best eaten at a vandalised bus stop while cheering on a group of youths who are trying to break into a mobile phone shop with a concrete bollard. The powerful aroma of vinegar will make you sexually irrestiable to 19 year old girls who have just stumbled out a nightclub with to much make-up and not enough clothes on. Beware seagull attack.

CHINESE

Like the pizza, usually consumed on premises. You can usually gauge the level of the owners gambling debts by the number of ears he has. If table service expect to do a lot of pointing at menus for the benefit of non-English speaking waitress. If self-service try not to feel to intimidated as Triad members bet on how many trips to the buffet you make.

Next Chapter: SIGNAL MAKING AND MORSE CODE

You forgot drunken curry.

24 Hour Garages are great for 2 am pies too, as long as they're not microwaved.

You see I really hate curry so I never have Indian food

What? No pakora? And where are the chip shoppes? And you forgot the "let's eat while walking to the bus stop, wiping my greasy hands on my jeans".

It's our own Scottish Dave Attell.

I laughed out loud.


What about burrito's or shady taco stands? That has to make the top 5 all-time best drunk food list. It also makes the all-time food 'most likely to puke-up' list as well.

No such thing as burritos or taco stands in Glasgow. Trust me, I searched.

That's cos we don't have a border with Mexico.

Well you should.

My God you're missing out. What about 'Shepard's Pie' stands?

I dunno, that's English, and therefore some softy southerner food.

We only eat stuff that will kill you in your mid-fifties.

Scotland has fried Snickers bars. *making yucky face*

ADDENDUM: LOS MOM Y POP'S TAQUERIA

Sure, the chain places are good - in Austin, really good, but the true hangover prevention and cure lies somewhere amidst an 85 cent breakfast taco. The best places look like hovels - hovels with strangely abundant sources of neon lining all windows - but have a constant stream of vehicles carrying people of every age, income bracket and ethnicity to line up out the door, waiting for their feverish fix. Homeless or drunkish, there are few things as valuable to the human condition as the 85 cent breakfast taco.

WARNING: DANGEROUS LEVELS OF MANTECA FOUND IN ABOVE ESTABLISHMENTS MAY CAUSE HEART DISEASE AND DEATH.

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Yeah... I'm a bit surprised there's no "bacon wrapped hot dogs off of a sidewalk cart" addendum yet either...

Perhaps it's just a heavily popular L.A. thing?

Is this straight out of Confedarcy of Dunces or does it just look like it?



EDIT: After 2am I can neither spell or be bothered to correct.

girlfriend's parents place

ah yes, the time has come again for you to make the journey to the girlfriends/wife's/manlover, etc place. commonly loathed because of dog attacks and hairy old men, the girlfriends parents house is the dirge of the world, the lowest of the low. but while youre there, in order to get out in one piece and have some chance of getting lucky when you get home, you must be on your best behaviour. this place may seem like hell, but with a little disorderly conduct can become much, much worse. and, if you can overlook the crappy food and idle chatter from the father, you can take solice in the nights free entertainment, the dog/cat/hamster/any other pets/baby/goldfish, and the inevitable conversations about school/work/family. it is polite to leave only after the girl decides to go, although considerable prodding might be neccessary. sad faces and rolled eyes are sure signs to your girlfriend its time to leave. be careful though, since these emotions can be misinterpreted as being a whiny little baby, something that will certainly sour your chances of the penultimate goal, getting the girl in bed. once you achieve your first goal, getting out of the house, commence the compliments about the food, how nice her parents were, how funny the dog/cat/pet/baby was, and how great the evening was. hopefully by this point youve buttered her up enough so you can segue into something sexy, that will hopefully end up with fornication. at this point, your goal has been reached, you got in her pants. and wasnt that the point of going to her parents house all along?

There's pizza in Scotland?



That's it. I'm leaving the warm, tropical climes of Hawaii for Glasgow.

well, anyone from or visiting my neck of the woods knows that the end all be all of drunken feasting is Waffle House. So good, so greasy. You cannot imagine the physical states I have been in, in Waffle Houses throughout the former Confederacy. I believe it was Rick Derris who pioneered the "call in," where as you call the Waffle House that was around the corner from where you live as you stumble to your car, and pick it up as a last stop before smearing the patty melt on your chest.



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you see, my country has health inspectors, denying me the privelage of such......extravagences....

ahh . . . waffle house. i think i just got heratburn thinking about waffle house!

Please Please Please tell me you have put money in the jukebox at the Waffle House and played the fucking Waffle House song.

Special lady...waiting for me at the Waffle House...

The song with some trucker or some shit getting turgid when he sees "that big yellow sign"

There is also Waffle House's less sanitary cousin with a harelip, the Huddle House.

How about the independent, 24-hour diner? Athens has one called The Grill; any self-respecting UGA student has eaten there at 3 am and possibly puked on his table before getting kicked out, or maybe tried to run on his check and gotten the shit beat out of him by the kitchen staff while his waitress laughed at him... Burgers, fries, etc. Except I think the feta dressing is disgusting. And milkshakes do not mix well with beer.

I knew exactly what you would post before I read this. Bring me some Feta fries, damnit. My boy Scotty D just moved backto Athens...aka, living the dream.

get out of the house and go say hi to Chad at barcode, Trey at Ginko, and Adam and Russ at Roadhouse for me.

Yeah, of course I'm going to talk about this place! 'Cause I'm that laughing waitress. Do you mean Genco? (not ginko) I have never been in there- those aren't really my places. I got busted, um, 'wearing tweed' by the doorguy at Barcode once up by the exhaust fan behind the pool table... I'm a Lunch Paper girl myself. But tonight I am staying in- have to work at 9am, and going to a big party tomorrow night. Ugh, feta smells like pencil shavings.