On the cusp (hopefully) of selling our house and moving downtown, I've written a poem whilst working on the house, in tribute to my exciting neighbors 2 doors over. Bits of this have been floating in my head since Saturday. It is meant to be sung over a slow, wistful country backdrop, with a good pause between lines (ala a song). Enjoy.

(Apologies to Oldbulee, whose redneck neighbors make mine look like Mr and Mrs Churchlady.)

Redneck Neighbors

Redneck neighbors 2 doors down,
Redneck neighbors, house of brown,
Why'd you have to go and chop that big tree down,
Right next to the streeeeeeet?

Redneck neighbors on the lawn,
Backyard parties until dawn,
Never see him with a shirt on,
He just don't see the neeeeeeeeed.

Redneck neighbors howdy do?
Doin yardwork, sniffin glue,
Angel dust and Bar-be-que,
Garage smells just like weeeeeeeeed.

Redneck neighbor's got a buzz,
"Baby shut up, here comes the fuzz,
You see officer, what had happened was,"
Now there's handcuffs on his feeeeeeeet.

Redneck neighbors, I'll miss you,
I wonder if you'll miss me too?
I'm that little dude you never would wave back to,
You prob'ly thought I was thirteen.

that's pretty funny.

That was wicked awesome.


I imagined it being sung to a country hillbilly tune.

DUDE -- CAN WE INCLUDE THIS ON THE JOHNNY TAINT ALBUM?

damn, your neighbors actually sound pretty interesting.

Speaking of, I was just in the basement running some wire, thinking "Loog should be in a rap duo, where he's Ticklebear and then some other guy is Lil' Pooky. I haven't thought it out any farther, but I'm working on it.

NO NO NO NO NO. The rap group is "Black and Mild" after the cigars.

Imagine if you will some shuffling beat and some bass...

Black: "I'm Black"
Mild: "And I'm Mild"
Both: "Together we're black and mild!"

"I'm that plastic tipped niggy with my finger on the triggy and my gat pointed at your dome"

"I'm that sweet smell ci-Gar, jacking up yo cizar and running up in yo home"

That's as far as I ever got with that project, but if you wanna get on board, we could explore this further.

Much obliged, all. Means a lot to have one's work appreciated.

What with no having a job, and fixing up this house everyday to get it ready to sell, I have some hellacious cabin fever right now... I currently leave this structure about 3, 4 times a week, usually for no more than 2 hours a day TOPS... thus the mind wanders.

No Lil' Pooky? The album could be called "Ticklebear's Adventures In Brown Sugarland" and have a fine cartoon sistah on the cover, ala snoop's cartoon doghouse...

first of all, the characters are PooPoo Bear, and The Ticklemonster.

Seriously, dude, if you are gonna use my material against, or in tandem with me, have the respect enough to get it right.

I was only using your material as a launching point. Lil' Pooky and Ticklebear strike me as perhaps better incarnates of the same idea, and do you really dispute the top-shelf quality of that album title?! I'm picturing you on the cover lookin all gangsta-hard, and then those names over your head... so wrong it's right.

So this is like fan fiction? I appreciate your bizarre fixation on all things LooGAR, but this might be going one step too far.

So deadlines are approaching (plumber tomorrow), and I've been working out in the garage till 1:30, cutting countertop #2 and dropping a stainless sink into it. OVER the noise of the ciricular saw (!) I hear something not unlike a speed boat going over waves, and I go outside to see what exactly the fuck is going down in my sleepy little town.

Turns out the sound is a Triton V8 (in a Ford F150) being floored in neutral, which causes it to hit its redline, back down for a split second, hit it again, etc, about 3 screaming mini-revs per second, loud as shit, on and on for a good 30 seconds so far. Redneck Neighbor is rushing out to the truck, which apparently is occupied by the same drunken girlfriend who knocked on our door (drunk off her ass) last weekend to tell us what a nice kitty we have, she cheered me up cuz I wuz crying, is she gonna have babies (no, she's just fat as hell, thanks). Girlfriend is apparently trying to get Red's attention reeeal good, and as he rushes up to the driver's side door, he yells "dontchu fuckin do it, I'm callin the cops right now," as she lays a KILLER wheel and misses him by about a foot, tearing off down the 15mph street, leaving a trail behind her.

Then, about 10 seconds later, girlfriend's 13-ish son is running up the street with a cellphone in hand, talking to the cops, saying "my mom just took off in a truck, she's real drunk." I feel for him. The cops are outside now, flashlights a-flashin. We're moving just when things are getting interesting.

nicely done, squirrg - i sang it aloud.

i want to record this. its a hit, squirr.

me too.

Dude, I thought you were just exaggerating as to the extent of the redneckedness.

This is some FINE redneckin.

Oh yeah, add a fine sing a long chorus to your song and you've got GOLD Cap.

...oh another verse came to me this morning:

Rednecks, I live right next to you,
But I just noticed your tattoos,
Molly Hatchet and the Crue,
And one says Demon Seeeeeeeeeeed

and the chorus, as requested:

Rednecks don't ever change yer ways,
Don't give that Fu Manchu a shave,
Don't ever get yer driveway paved,
Why won't the world just let you be?

i just spit coffee out my nose

HAR!

Ironic sidenote:

His driveway is, in fact, imacculately paved (he does something with heavy equipment for a living), and mine is crushed limstone and dandelions. Poetic license.

noice

bootiful

Stupid rev-limiters. Much more fun to blow a cylinder.

Without it, there'd have been a rod going through her hood for certain. And I can't imagine what dropping into gear at its peak like that did for the transmission.

Was just thinking about these neighbors the other day, for some odd reason. I think it's because I saw an original Hummer here in town, which another neighbor used to have back then. Also, holy fuck, this was 12 years ago.

where have the years gone, man?

Shit, that was a long time ago. Feels even longer than it actually is.