Sweet perfection, Fu.

Fu is a freakin' genius.

post of the year.
end of the board.

Hahaha. Fuck. That's quality.

Head up Bob. Place looks good. Fresh start.

Fu...


Bob, sweet bachelor pad.

I need advice guys.

No one I know has had anyone cheat on them, so I turn to the faceless Obner masses for wisdom.

It's been a month or so now, and pretty much constantly I have the image of her fucking someone else burned into my brain. This was the girl I wanted to marry in the not-too-distant future. I was madly in love with her and it's been pretty hard to deal with.

It just pops into my head in the middle of meetings at work, while I'm driving, and just pretty much all the time, around twenty or thirty times a day, bringing with it a wave of nausea and crippling anxiety. Just her fucking some guy. And once it's in it's really hard to get out. As you can imagine it's quite distracting and my work and life in general is starting to suffer. On top of it all I'm drinking way too much and feel like I'm dangling precariously on the edge of a precipice that I don't particularly want to fall from.

I've tried dating, and have already been intimate with someone else, but I had to close my eyes and imagine it was my ex just to get through it. Pretty awful.

How do you move on from something like this?

That's a damned tough one, Mick. No doubt you'll get some flippant responses, but there's no humor in the situation. Nothing is is going to cure it fully other than time. But, in the mean time, try mitigating it by 1) reducing the alcohol intake, or eliminating it altogether, at least temporarily- depressants aren't what you need to be consuming; 2) make a determined effort to revise your day-to-day activities to eliminate as many bookmarks as possible that emotionally attach you to the offending person- stay away from those mental triggers; 3) I'll never argue against getting a little strange if it presents itself, but be sure to recognize it for what it is right now- a momentary distraction.

Good luck, man- it sucks.

Mick,

You need time - only you will know when you are ready to forgive and forget. Once you forgive, you will truly need to let it go. It can't come up in memories and especially arguments. You can't hold it against her if you forgive her. The main thing to get back is trust. If you can't trust her, the relationship is over.

Is she actively trying to seek forgiveness and save the relationship? What were the circumstances? Was she wasted, drugged, or seduced? I don't know how someone cheats unless they are unhappy in their current relationship, but I could see a lapse in judgment. I just don't think I could ever trust her again.

Happened to me too in college. Was going out with a girl for 2 years, really serious to the point of talking marriage after we graduated the next year, and then out of the blue, she broke up with me. She was cheating on me and it was a big blow.

Anyway, yeah its rough. If it wasn't for some really good friends making me leave my dorm/apt I would've been messed up more than I was. Hopefully you've got some guys around you who can kinda keep you busy while yr on autopilot for awhile. You probably need to leave the girlies alone for awhile, 'cause it sounds like yr still pretty smitten with this girl. You just need time to heal from the wound. Have you seen "High Fidelity"? I'm convinced this is a pretty common occurrence with guys (can't speak for women), as most of my friends have also experienced this.

I know it sounds like a passing prognosis, but honestly time will heal this. Just busy yrself with other things. Pick up a new hobby, excel at one you already have, just give it time.

Time. Pretty much what everyone else has said. Don't date if you're not ready to date. No one night stands or flings if you'll just end up feeling like shit after them. Too many people don't give themselves enough time before jumping into the next relationship.

Get rid of all reminders of her and lean on your friends. Is there someone who will let you go on those self absorbed rants where you say the same things over and over again?

Don't try to be friends with her just to keep her around. There may be a time for that, but not for a while and definitely not now.

Stay away from teh drink. Especially while alone.

Hey Bob, I think that apartment is great. This is going to sound pretty cheesy, but living alone and in a small space will teach you a lot about yourself. Plus, it'll take a lot less money and time to make it your own and definitely make it your own. I want to see that apartment eventually scream "Bob!".

jk Mick.

first off, stay away from booze. that shit does you no good. get your workout on, and do things that make you happy, like listening to some music, and thinking about hugging me.

i know it's tough to get out of your mind, but meditation can really help with that.

OH. MY. FUCK. that is awesome.

I clicked on this page, and had to go back re-read the whole thread to get to Fu's post, but the payoff is amazing. You should rasterbate that for Bob and hang it in his new living room.

about 12 miles, 20-25 minutes

not really

just tv, recliner, bed, coffee table, clothes and iphone

I'm close to 85% serious about this -- Just fall. Let it all go, or most of it. And then when you climb out of the wreckage and turn into Dr. Awesome, you'll always remember how low you were, who was there for you, how you got out of it, and will determine to never be there again.

I'm with the Senator on this. When this happened to me in college I became a wreck for a month then moved on. I learned my lesson and realized that no girl was worth that sort of agony. Sometimes being a drunk raving idiot is the best thing, just make sure you're with friends.

MONTH?!

I'm talking about losing a few years here, bubba.

Yeah, if you're going to do it the right way, it takes at least two full years to get that loser stink off of you, but it is well worth it.
For me it required nearly going broke, moving into a much smaller and lesss desirable apartment, quitting my job in an economic depression and realizing that I needed to embrace the support of my family and friends, while fully accepting that all my past failures are the result of some action or more importantly a lack of action I chose to take as a result of personal difficulties.
It's cathartic and truly forces you to analyze what the fuck you're doing with your life and what actually makes you enjoy life.

<---- two years for someone I never even officially dated, but had a very "it's complicated" relationship with. I'm only just now realizing there were red flags.

What the fuck are you guys talking about? You can't just decide it'll never happen again, and you can't just decide to descend into a two year spree of loserdom. And besides, obliteration is merely avoidance. What Mick is going through is hard shit that he has to face, not run from. And chances are good it'll happen again. Maybe not in precisely the same way, but probably in bigger and more tragic ways. If you're human, you will never be able to forget this betrayal and it will either make you a better person or a worse one. That's your choice. See above responses for variations on that outcome.

alls i'm gonna say is this:
18 years of marriage is not a failure.
something went very right for a very long time.
people change and you're both doing what needs to be done and keeping your children's best interests at heart.
it sucks. it doesn't necessarily feel good but you're both doing it.
it's courageous and impressive. a lot of people "settle". for the rest of their lives. you're not willing to do that.

that said, it's gonna take however long it's gonna take to move on.
Because of the kids you're connected forever. time will make that easier and easier although after 7 years i've finally stopped daydreaming about suffocating my ex with a pillow. the kids are older and she and i have less and less contact which is great.

enjoy the new digs. it's freaky at first but you'll settle in nicely.

Isn't this the Chuck(e)D Game Plan?


Also Bob your rent is 25% of mine.

damn, i forgot this was about mick:

i completely agree with radcliffe.
my divorce had a lot to do with betrayal on her part (see above smothering pillow comment).

hang on to your sanity.