I do too, vileness is a relative concept. One person's vile is another's hilarity.

I can't actually think of anything horribly distinct as a brat, probably mocking people into tears several times, if that counts as vile. As for the teenage era, I guess getting with your buddy's girlfriends behind their back is kind of vile. I did that lots of times, which might explain why I never hear from those assholes anymore.

You people are all horrible, horrible human beings.


Seriously, the worst thing I can think of that I did was kiss my best friend's girlfriend and then act nonchalant and like I didn't care that I was losing his friendship when he yelled at me and walked out of my life.


Anything else I did was harmless. Tinting and mixing up cans of paint out of sheer boredom, while working at Wal-Mart. Taking sheets of the sensor tags and sticking them on the bottom of shopping carts and dropping them into people's shopping bags. Playing frisbee in the seasonal department while on the clock.

Canadians are so adorable.

Someone hold me.

Of course, considering that's what those people all paid you to do, wouldn't it have been much more vile of you to NOT perform any of those acts?

I can't think of anything truly vile. I try not to vocalize it so much anymore, but I could be a real bitch in my younger days, making fun of people behind their backs or just saying generally mean-spirited, hateful things. Every once in a while when I'm having a crappy day, I remember that stuff, and I make myself feel even worse.

quite a few things:

1. we used to drive around throw things at people - eggs, water, etc. we were driving down this dark country road and there was an elderly woman walking down the road. my friend hung out the window and threw an egg right into the lady's gut - she went down in a heap. we told my friend to take the hell off. i believe she lived.

2. threw a full 32oz cup of coke at a guy from my friends car - we were going about 40mph. It exploded all over him and his girlfriend.

3. Used to drive around shooting cap guns at people - man, they would hit the deck real fast.

Oh SHIT! We used to throw apples at Koreans on the other side of the gate from us.

My dad paid me $5 to yell "HEY FAT BROAD!" at a fat lady in Fred Meyer's parking lot when I was like 4.

And the open mocking of people until tears continues to this day.

i also dislocated my sister's shoulder once. good times.

Were we friends in grade school?


Oh... I remember something I did...

While babysittnig my brother I once locked him in the basement.

Mind you he was incredibly hyper & out of control and had thrown wooden play blocks at me. AND it was possible to escape from the basement by a window if necessary.

Um.

one of the vilest things one of my friend's had done involved an annoying and irritable-as-fuck neighbor in the apartment directly below him. this neighbor was an architectural teacher's assistant, and a relatively rich prick who would park his car - some sort of black jaguar, sporty collector car that was always shiny and clean - in the drive next to the building, which also happened to be directly below my friend's bedroom window.

so one night, after the guy called upstairs to complain for the 8th time because of the ACOUSTIC guitar playing, my friend went to his room and jerked off a big dollop o' goo, which did a graceful swan dive onto the hood of the prick's car.

i laugh every time he tells that story.

AWESOME.

Whatever happened to "a little dab'll do ya"? Must be the difference between Brylcream and Billcream.

That's about the only vile thing I do now and it's mostly people at work.

I:

Wrote "FUCK" in black magic marker in the front hall of my parents house when I was like 7. It's still there which amuses me to no end.

Made fun of a fat girl in elementary school on Valentine's Day. I can't remember what I actually wrote on the card but it was something like "Roses are red, Violets are blue. You're fat and you smell too." Cmon, I was like 8.

Stolen money from my parents and grandmother. That's probably the thing I feel the worst about.

Thrown snowballs at cars and got chased around the neighborhood by one dude.

When I was like 16, I went into this video store near my house and there was this incredibly fat dude sitting on the steps inside. So I looked around for a bit and picked out a movie. During that time, Fatty left. So I'm leaving the store and I glanced at the steps he was sitting on and his wallet was there, so I grabbed it (the cashier couldn't see me from where she was) and ran home and he had like $1100 in it. I bought a Sega Genesis and a bunch of other stuff.

When I was 10 there was this tall girl who had a crush on me. I wrote a cruel play aimed specifically at her called "Christmas For The Ugly Maiden", and I cast her in the lead when we presented it to the grade 5 class. Don't know if that's vile, but it still ranks as one of the meanest things I've ever done (and I still remember the girl's name goddammit).

I've done a lot of shit I ain't proud of, but THAT is some cold-blooded shit!

Cold-blooded and creative. The man reaches new highs and lows simultaneously.

Now that sounds like my kinda girl. Bodily functions always take the vileness cake.

I guess I could count when I knocked on my girlfriend's ex boyfriend's door and when he did not in fact have the money he owed her started pissing on him...the carpet...his door handle, etc... Fucker was an asshole anyway. And, yes, drugs and booze were involved in the night.

Then...there's some vague memories I have about some filthy 300 pound plus drag queens on cocaine... the rest gets kinda blury from there...

i made this girl make her pet cat eat her out.

well, suggested, and she fell for it.

i don't imagine that would feel very good. cats tongues are about the size of your pinky and they are rough like sandpaper.
that's gross.
i have a story sort of like this. my friend told me a story about a coworker of her mothers. well, the coworker went to this surprise party that this ladies friends and family threw for this particular lady. anyways, of course the lady wasn't expecting it, and she came home from work and undressed and happened to smear some peanut butter across her lady parts and waltzed into the garage calling out her dogs name. to her surprise her entire family and group of friends were awaiting her arrival in the garage to start her party.
embarrassing.
i'm guessing she was quite single.

That's an old urban legend. Give your friend a swat for me.

if I was waiting in the dark at a surprise party, I think I'd just scream "surprise!" when the undressing started. That or run straight through a sliding glass door.

I forgot about that.

After band practice at my house, we'd pile into my friends truck with three of us sitting in the front and one of us lying down in the cab part in the back. And we'd go to 7-11 and buy slushees. Drive around until we were sick of them, then find somebody walking and throw them at them.

I felt bad about it at the time. I usually made rules for myself. If they were alone, I didn't want to do it to them. It's easier to have stuff thrown at you, if you've got someone with you. I preferred hitting the group of thirteen year olds, or the hip-hoppers standing outside the plaza.

aww damnit! i thought it was so funny.

That reminds me:

1. When I was in high school my friend and I used to yell at people riding bikes as we drove past them to make the crash and lose control and all. It took to new heights when I had purchased a pre-made sub sammich from 7-11 and grew weary of it. Driving home from the Sandbridge(a nice quiet beach town) there are only backroads for a while. Well, we passed this "hobo" as I call him because he literally had a polka dot sheet tied around a mop handle straight out of the cartoons. I was not driving and had perfect positioning. I tossed half a sub sammich out the window and BLAM hit the poor guy right in the face. We were only going about 25 miles per hour but the shame that that guy must have felt. I mean, he was already a bum and then got slammed in the face with a sandwich.

2. Three weeks after Easter in 2000, me and 3 of my friends went to hang out in Cinncinati. One of our leftovers in the car was this bag of pastel colored peanut M & M's. We drove around this nice neighborhood and came across three young boys riding their bikes in a school parking lot. We pulled up to a couple of them and asked the to come closer, then we all took handfuls of the pastel colored peanut m and m's and threw them in their face. The kicker is that when we did it we yelled, "Happy Easter, BITCH!"

3. HAQDIESEL: Were you not a part of the waterballoon launching one night at college where we managed to hit a guy right in the back of the neck leaving the library heading back to WhenGatz? Maybe it was Peters. I don't remember clearly.