I take the change out of the washing machine. Just change. I feel to bad to take dollars.
I take any change I find. Hm.
I put a thorn on the ground where this girl I didn't like was going to sit.
I don't remember if she sat on it.

For recent stuff.. this guy I sometimes hate and sometimes sort of don't hate at work had to clean the bathrooms. I took a fudge round and chewed it up and spit it on the side of the handicapped toilet and spit it in the toilet bowl too. He never mentioned poo being on the side of the toilet, but I took satisfaction in my hope that I grossed him out.

I know, i'm just terrible aren't I?

i loooooooove fudge rounds.

i prefer oatmeal cream pies

but.. fudge rounds make a better poo

The Little Debbie brownies are best. Nice and firm with a few walnuts, too. I know because we sculpted one and left it in the math teacher's sink (she had a science classroom). She found it mid class.

Dammit, I thought this was that email address thread, so I've skipped over it. I'm with Rodney & the eggs. We egged a car right after the finished a Chinese Fire Drill one night. What shame, they looked like they were having so much fun…

We had these janitors in one of my dorms that would be yelling up and down the hall starting around 5-5:30 every morning. I had finally had enough, so I wrote HOLY SHIT in huge letters in front of the three bathroom stalls. I think you can figure out the medium. The grout never was really clean after that.

I once stole a Braille menu from McDonalds. Had it for years.

I once took a blind guys stick and kicked it across the floor of a bar. He tried to pick a fight with me—swear to fucking god—he shoved me in the back as I was handing off a drink, so I figured I'd make his exit more interesting.

I knew a bartender that stuttered, especially on the letter H, so I would guide him toward H words. We were friendly despite that though, probably because I tipped him well.

I was *this close* to landing a three-way with some tramp and my friend's girlfriend. This was not my plan, turns out they had a thing going and I just happened to be in the same room.

I'm gonna have to think a while and come back for more.

In college, one of my "friends" suffered from a severe case of OCD. So, when he was at class I would go in and move one cologne bottle and switch it with a mousse bottle on his desk. When he returned he'd freak out, hunt me down, and say something to the effect of, "Joe, will you please stop messing with my things!?" I mean, come on. I would move two bottles and he would notice. It was amazing.

Haha. Once I stole someone's Adidas that were sitting right outside the apartment. I would have left them if they weren't my size.

When I was a valet, I stole someone's garage door opener; a couple quarters from every car with a change cup; a car cigarette lighter from a smoker; and some tampons.

There's a shitty dive bar in Chicago that actually puts a basket of tampons in the girls bathroom. Every time I've gone to this bar, I've stolen every last tampon in the basket. I don't know why I do this. I can afford my own.

I also once pissed in the bottom of the soda machine where the cans come out.

good god man.

I once had the idea to mix in Kiss-shaped pieces of shit wrapped in foil with regular Hershey Kisses. Not the whole bowl mind you, but maybe 8-10 mixed in with a whole package. Let them get the surprise after several downing a few real ones. Never acted on that one though.

i think i'd like to marry you.

here are some vile things that people i know have done:

my cousin, who is a HUGE douchebag, pissed off some guy in her neighborhood. he somehow got into her car and put a baggie of shit under her drivers seat. because it was august, it stunk like, well, shit.

same cousin also had a metal trashcan thrown through the picture window of her mom and dad's house.

a local singer-songwriter once trimmed his and his girlfriend's pubic hair and placed it in his roommate's bed, pillowcase and all of her drawers.

my ex-father in law (now a proud georgian! w00t!) dipped hot dogs in antifreeze and fed them to his neighbor's dog to shut the poor thing up. didn't work. just made the dog throw up.

same father in law also blew up my ex's car for insurance fraud.

this isn't really vile, but it is mean. my ex and i were fighting one day (more like he had me backed into a corner and was screaming at me) and on my way out the door, i looked at the cd in the boom box i was holding (we were moving out of an apartment). it was disc two of a three disc bruce springsteen bootleg that he went through hell to get. when i was certain he wasn't looking, i broke it in half and threw it away. he's the biggest springsteen fan i know.

vile = fun

please tell me that you're only 15-17 years old.

That reminded me of a vile incident. At the public swimming pool where I grew up, there was a sauna for use as well. My friend and I pissed on the steaming rocks rendering the sauna unusable for nearly a week later. The piss stink also cleared the pool for the day as well.

We didn't go back for awhile. We thought it was one of the funniest thing we'd ever done.

Oh yeah, that's was funny too.

I remember more crap. This is like confession.

I once had this horribly undrinkable bottle of rotgut vodka. It was so bad, even us dorm rats wouldn't drink it. A couple weeks earlier I had read something about gin soaked golden raisins being a remedy for arthritis pains, so I soaked brown raisins (I hate golden raisins) in the vodka to make some sort of very miniaturized version of a drunken watermelon.

Well, that was even worse than the already undrinkable vodka. It was this nasty brown liquid in a bowl. I noticed I had an empty Jager bottle over on the desk, so I poured the liquid into it and put it in the freezer in the li'l dorm fridge. Then I waited.

A couple months or so later, we were all drinking beer and trying to figure out what to do, and a latecomer expressed his desire for a couple shots to help him catch up. I recommended the Jager in the freezer. He probably didn't have the whole shot in his mouth before his body started rejecting it. He never threw up, but it was a hell of a fight.

It was even funnier the second time. It took a whole lot more convincing, but it worked.

+ + + + + + + + + +

We also played The Box Game with this other kid. He was from a rural Pentecostal family, but had decided to ditch the family faith and go see some shit since he was in college and all. Good guy, just naive about all sorts of things.

Me, the Naive guy and this other guy got realllllly fucking stoned one night. As I figured out later, Naive Guy had only gotten a little high, never stoned off his ass. He was sitting on the edge of the couch, just out of his gourd, so we decided to fuck with him a bit. The Box Game.

So we acted like we had this invisible box. We would throw it back and forth, faked a little soccer action, stood with one foot on it, shit like that. He was already pretty impressed. Then we told him that if you put it on your head, you couldn't hear anything. This house was outside city limits, so we have music on LOUD.

The other guy walks over to him and puts The Box over his head. Right as he does this, I pause the stereo. Naive Guy's eyes were like saucers. Then we proceeded to have a "conversation" without any actual sounds being made. Then we took The Box back off, and the music came back on.

He was absolutely frozen for about 15 minutes, then convinced he was going to die, then fell of the back steps—vomiting mid-air on the way down—and landing in it. He apologized for freaking out a few days later when I next saw him, because "I just got really freaked out when I couldn't hear. That shit was scary." I told him what happened, and he didn't see the humor for a few months.

Brilliantly executed piece of fuckin' with. I was trying to imagine how I wouldn't pitch a fit if I was there because I was laughing just from reading this. Watching it stoned must have been unimaginablely hilarious.

I think I was more floored by the fact that it was actually working.

the box game. that's hilarious

nope. i'm a full-fledged grown-up.

i also don't use emoticons. if i did use emoticons, there would be a little guy next to that quote either rolling his eyes or making some sort of sarcastic face.

atta girl.

When I taught orchestra and choir, I'd take great pleasure when a kid fell asleep in the back. Hot classroom, 80-100 kids, it happens occasionally. I'd shush the whole class, sneak up behind them with big orchestral crash cymbals and carefully position myself close to their ears.

I suppose that's more cruel than vile, but god it was fun.

Hahaha thats fucking funny. You kill me Mr.Fu, always.

i remembered another one - once a friend of mine when we were like 17 met some guys from another town and told them we were moving there and would be going to school with them next week. Well, they invited us to a party and we went over there for awhile and got pretty drunk. After a while we went into one of the bedrooms and stole several hundred cds by throwing them out the window and picking them up as we left. I used to steal a lot of shit.

Oh, we crushed that guy. Weren't we also pissing off Aaron Shriner & Co. launching them at the tennis courts on the same night? Peters was definitely with us.

And then on the same night we broke that window with a water balloon. Who threw that? Kurt? And did we ever actually pay up?

[not really something i did...]
i once lived in a house near college that threw house parties. the entire 6 bedroom house only had one bathroom. 2 of the 6 guys of the house (not myself) wanted to throw house parties where the rest were indifferent (myself at first) or were opposed.

eventually the house parties grew and became so big that the basement was also used to pack people in and the secondary living room outside the only bathroom backed up with people wanting to piss. some guys took a piss outside, but that was frowned on since they'd be fairly easy to spot by cops. so the 2 guys (who grew up from grade school to college together) had the bright idea of creating a secondary bathroom.

it was more like a guy pisser. there was a little room off of the main basement area with its own door. don't know what that room was originally intended for but the house party crew figured they could put a half barrel plastic ice container, usually used to put ice in then a half barrel & kinda contain spillage, in that room and let guys use that.

i guess the idea was fine enough, but at that point i didn't want any part of their parties so i left the details to them. turns out they didn't ever dump out the contents in between parties. they were lazy and probably didn't want to dump out a bunch of piss. well, it built up until it was nearly full. then instead of finally dumping it, they decided to cut down on party size and not use the basement.

so they left it there for a couple weeks until another more-informed roommate raised a stink (literally since his room was on the floor above that pisser room). with the rest of the house kinda pissed at them (pun semi-intended), they dumped the thing.

at this point i took entertainment in their misery by watching them from afar on the stairwell, just in case. they rolled the sides of the barrel to move it (cuz it was too heavy to lift), with dark green fungal clumped fuzz sloshing ontop of a think white foamy froth, to the center of the basement which had this tiny circular storm drain. slowly they poured it out, only a little at a time because the drain was small and probably backed up with years of sediment. this probably went on for nearly an hour. i only stayed for the first few minutes of them pouring the foul, dark yellowish-brown vat of weeks-old piss to watch them carefully tip the barrel, grimacing in disgust. (i partially hoped they dropped it, soaking themselves. lessen learned and memorized for life.) after a few minutes of this, the awful odor outweighed the entertainment and i left 'em pour in peace (piss).

THE END

this was also a house where the garbage was often neglected for weeks at a time. (i became sick of being one of the few taking it out & eventually became a guilty party myself.) after the longest stretch of garbage piling up, when it was finally taken out, there were a frisbee-sized pool of maggots found underneath on the floor.

oh, the college days...