This may have been a perfect opportunity for the phrase "I put on my wizard hat."

YOU. As in "I don't wanna wind up in this lady's drawers, because I have a significant other, and nothing else seems to be working, so I guess I have to fake having genital warts."

Thread is everything that Paradise By The Dashboard Lights tried to be and failed.

just what the fuck is going on in here

Apparently, Phil is still drunk, at work, and irresistable to slutty women.

Phil's been reading A Million Little Pieces or some Hubert Selby or something.

the man is living the DREAM

Holy SHIT. In the past 5 minutes we split from our team meetings to committee meetings. I'm on the assembly committee along with THE 7th grade teacher (caucasian) who ignores me unless her computer needs fixing.

On the way to splitting up for this meeting...

1. The gym teacher gave me another mini backrub. Keep in mind, this is after the threesome comment.

2. The extremely cute 7th grade latina teacher in the room that adjoins the music room sat down next to me, made some small talk that I couldn't pay attention to cause I was staring at her tits while she was rubbing my leg above the knee.

3. The really smart NW grad, teaches 7th grade social studies, kinda cute black girl with Lauryn Hill hair (not really my type) comes and pokes me in the side. Witty repartee begins, at which point I realize, she's hitting on me! I'm like, you've got a man, cause I've met him, and he's good stuff, never rub another man's rhubarb unless that man is a punk ass bitch (and you're single)... and she's like I don't have a man, and I'm like yes you do, i've met him and she's like weve parted ways. Then she asks me for a favor, she knows i've been fired, i'm like my give a shit factor is off the charts, and she starts batting her fucking eyelashes. I'm like, what do you think I am, an amateur? You gotta do more than bat your eyelashes, and then she's like, o.k., we'll talk about that later.

4. The cute 7th grade teacher... you know the one. The ONE. Sitting next to me, and she's like, my hands are cold, and she feels my forearm with both hands and she's like "Oh you're warm", and then my brain melted. She's been really ill, in and out of the hospital, next thing I know, she's asking for a backrub, so at this moment, i'm giving her a backrub with my right hand and posting with my left, and it's been nice knowing you, but if I was deena, I WOULD KILL ME TOO.

Another black teacher, 6th grade, recently divorced just joked about sleeping with me for my birthday.

I didn't even tell her it was my birthday.

I think everyone knows i was drinking and they're all fucking with me.

I think we just found the name of your next band

wow, I feel like obner has its own serial now.... "as the obner rises" or "obner place."

i left this thread many moons ago, only to return to what is, without question, the apogee (if that's the high point) of this board's existence. i salute you, prince of darkness.

I'm wondering if the double meaning was intentional...given your inclusion of "obner place" as another option I'm not sure.

Home at last.

I didn't bike to work because I was too drunk, and I didn't drive, not only because I was too drunk, but because Deena took the truck to go open up her starbucks at 5 a.m. and had it all do, so i grabbed a ride to work with my friend Lindsay. Deena had called to make sure i was up, because I slept through all three alarms. I got a hold of Lindsay just in time. After I called her for the ride, the first thing I consciously thought about was how bad I smelled. I scrubbed myself something fierce and put on alot of deodorant, and I know I smelled remarkably better, but I had a sneaking suspicion that I still smelled like like an irish tavern's men's room. Lindsay was too polite to say anything, but Deena picked me up, and I asked her if I smelled bad, and she bluntly told me the truth. I told her about this thread, she doesn't know if she wants to read it.

Anyhow, what a nutty fucking day! If i could figure out how to replicate it minus the headache, bodyache, etc... I would totally make this a habit.

She's reading the thread now. She's halfway through page one and i am in "so much trouble."

o.k. got a laugh. I might live yet.

two laughs and a snort. I'm doing well, but not out of the woods yet.

i'm so glad i date women.

Dumpjack, clearly we have not met. I would kill him, slowly, very slowly. I can tolerate his appetite but there will be no dining out.

Me too.

Wait, why are you glad you date women? Asides from the fact that chicks are sexy and guys are not?

Cause that's why i date women.

I think I ought to go hide in the bathroom.

I've had the beershits all day long, but I refuse to go at school.

That, and the bathroom door locks, and I can still post from there. She just shook her head and sighed, I think it was the "I love him so much, I'm really gonna hate to have to kill him" sigh.

She just said "YOU ARE IN SO MUCH FUCKING TROUBLE"

and "I have to kill the gym teacher, or I have to kill you." I can't even keep up with what's coming out of her mouth.

It's beershit time.

I'm taking a hit today for your entertainment, obner. I hope my impending doom brought a smile to your face.

aside from the obvious reasons:

cuz i don't have to deal with someone in your shape dragging your sorry ass into the house.

Can you believe what an idiot Phil is? He actually told me to read this thread. I am goin to end up taking out every woman in the school. I don't know if I should keep reading. He may need a place to stay tonight.

why take it out on them?
find that big frying pan of his and let him have it.

Continuing with the metaphor, my appetite for FAST FOOD has gotten me into trouble many times. So maybe my suggestion is not wise.

And your threat of slow death is clearly well taken. He didn't do anything and wrote down everything else and TOLD you. He's a good man, if only slightly misguided.