So I promised I'd do this and I generally try to keep my word, especially if it involves harming myself. Today was the day, it had to be. At the start of a new year people are attempting to live better lives (even me), and generally not trying to do
more damage. Also, it would have been fun to have a rum and coke to go with this but I'm kind of on the wagon right now, from Monday-Thursday between 12pm-6pm.
Now for the damage. I couldn't get a decent shot of the "Nutritional Value" but it stands at approximately 1010 calories, 39g of fat (only 9g saturated...), Sodium, and here's where the horror begins, is a whopping 1670mg. See, if I'm going to hurt myself with this kind of project, I prefer to do so with some actual protein via chicken wings, back ribs, bacon double cheeseburger etc. Not with two fucking sticks of cheese dough and six bite sized pieces of chicken. And the price was $4; for that amount I could have had about 4 McDonald's double-cheeseburgers. At least I would have had some cheese.
Anyway here we go:
My choice was the "Hungry Man Sports Grill: Jumbo Popcorn Chicken with Pizza Sticks", as previously remarked, I'm not sure exactly why this is a "Sports Grill" but I guess its for fat guys who watch sports and aren't bothered by the lack of grill marks on their deep fried chicken and dough.
I had some trepidations regarding the size of this meal and whether it was appropriate for lunch, as I generally don't eat a whole lot for this meal. However, my fears were dashed quickly when I opened the box:
Notice that despite being labelled as "Jumbo", they're not much bigger than the Colonel's brand of regular popcorn chicken:
And the Pizza Sticks were shockingly small for a hungry man meal:
And upon ripping them open for a look, one is surprised by the lack of cheese spillage. Considering the box, one would expect to be scalded by the practical sexual explosion of cheese. Alas...
But now, we've eaten with our eyes what on earth could this possibly taste like? I decided to go with the worst first, the pizza sticks. What could they taste like? After biting into one straight up, it was shockingly bland. Tasteless, hot, goo. If it tasted like pennies at least I could imagine it was something else and
that actually might have been comforting. I quickly went for the dip.
The reason they supplied the "marinara sauce" is like the same salt and lemons are supplied with cheap tequila. Flavour-masking. This signature of this sauce is it's sweetness. It is simply overpowering, and for that I am grateful. It actually wasn't too bad and reminded me somewhat of something you'd get out of a Chef Boyardee can. So thankfully once more, episodic memory flooded the immediate senses, dulling my immediate consciousness somewhat ("Absorb the memory, think of how pleasant a can of Zoodles used to be").
Okay, so let's try out the chicken and surprisingly, they were fairly meaty. I was expected a doughy piece of breading with a dollop of chicken. And it tasted like chicken! But of course nearly everything tastes like chicken so that's really no help. The overall feeling was 'yes, you're eating microwaved breaded chicken', nothing more, nothing less. It was soggy popcorn chicken with a vaguely 'fried' taste. After looking at the ingredients, I was delighted to find that I was, in fact, consuming 'chicken skin'! This was comforting.
Basically after the first bite of chicken and pizza stick, I poured a glass of water and ate the entire thing standing at the counter. There are a few final, and somewhat alarming thoughts to ponder as this sad experiment closes. I own two basset hounds, who are second only to the bloodhound in terms of acute sense of smell. If I open a bag or can of anything, they're usually right there wanting a bite. They are both known to eat shit from time to time. As I stood there and ate this meal,
neither of the hounds came near me. I cannot stress how terribly disturbing this is and what to emphasize it again.
The hounds who eat shit did not come near me the entire meal. Think about that some more. This must have an underlying terrible, rotting dead smell to put off a scent hound.
And finally, and this is coming from someone who is attuned to his own physiology (at least from an introspective point of view) there are a few acute effects to relay. It has nearly been 60 minutes since I've consumed this meal. Approximately 15 minutes after eating it, I had a profound facial flushing, like an Asian who's had a couple of glasses of wine. It's still present and my cheeks are still warm to the touch. I've consumed roughly 1 litre of water since the first bite and will likely switch over to my V8 fusion drink for a heavy dose of potassium. The other brief side-effect was a very bad aftertaste will a slightly film in my mouth. I assume this is unhealthy as well, as not even the most depraved fast-food meal has ever given me this kind of reaction. Strangely enough, my stomach feels fine, we'll see how the actual digestion goes.
