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I'll get this out on a Tuesday one of these weeks. Promise.
Rex and the Jedi 66.23
Knights Who Say Ni 82.17
Most folks had faith in coach Spade going into this matchup against the 0-2 Knights. Sir Alexander (Rush: 140 - 4) had some other things in mind. "See, there, THAT's why I picked him third in the draft. At this pace, if he did that every game, we'd be set," said an idealistic coach Sketch. Outside Shaun and Jake Plummer (Pass: 152 - 1 TD / 0 INT; Rush: 9 - 1), the team didn't do too much. It was apparently enough as Rex and the Jedi faltered with an underperforming running attack. Marc Bulger (Pass: 292 - 3 TD / 1 INT; Rush: 3 - 0) and Terry Glenn (Rec: 5 - 137 - 0) certainly did their bits. Going into Monday night, he lamented "I'm going to lose because I forgot to pick up a fucking kicker." Well, as it turned out, only Neil Rackers would have won this game for him, and I don't think Schadenfreude is putting him on the block anytime soon.
El Nacho de Muerte 128.53
elephantstoners 85.33
This hyped-up match between two undefeated teams left the fans wanting a bit more. The stoners brough a solid game with Edgerrin James (Rush: 108 - 1, Rec: 2 - 29 - 20), Carson Palmer (Pass: 169 - 3 TD / 0 INT, Rush: -3 - 0), and Antonio Gates (Rec: 6 - 29 - 1). However, the rest of the team didn't play up to snuff. Coach j's strategy going forward was very simple and direct: "i need wide receivers. quick." Meanwhile, El Nacho showed that they are one of the premier teams in the league with their dominating performance. Brian Westbrook (Rush: 68 - 1, Rec: 6 - 140 - 1), Chad Johnson (Rec: 3 - 77 - 2), and Thomas Jones (Rush: 106 - 1, Rec: 5 - 8 ) led the attack. The victory gives them a 3-0 record and closes the gap between themselves at the top spot. "I wonder if Billz can hear my footsteps," smirked a confident coach nacho.
The Sunlandic Twins 107.00
timmyjoe42er's 69.30
Coaches timmy and C-man were both lamenting the underperformance of their star quaterbacks the first few weeks. This week, Daunte Culpepper (Pass: 300 - 3 TD / 0 INT, Rush: 36 - 0) started to earn his money. Peyton Manning (Pass: 228 - 0 TD / 1 INT, Rush: -3 - 0) did not, and that was the main difference in this game. The Bengals defense (7 points allowed, 5 INT, 1 Fum Rec) did a solid job for coach Timmy, but they were his highest scorers. That's not going to win many ballgames. Even Rod Smith (Rec: 7 - 80 - 1) had a better game for Sunlandia. "Yup," said coach C-Man, "this was pretty much beating him in almost every position. Feels good for a first win. Damn good." Meanwhile, timmy remains winless and at the bottom of the standings. We'll see how he tries to turn things around.
The Grape Rush 76.87
Gilead Gunslingers 46.27
With coach backspace's focus on winning ball games at all costs, we would have started at least one active running back this week. "No, see, that would mean I don't win other games. I'll take a hit once. Once." reassured the Gunslinger chief to his faithful. It seems clear he threw it away on purpose as the better quarterback rode the bench. But, then again, would you start Eli Manning (Pass: 352 - 2 TD / 0 INT; Rush: 13 - 0)? All that said, it's only the first loss of the season, and Gilead is still in the top half of the standings. This is a new place for coach Ripple, and he did it in subtle-trash-talking style. He sat most of his receivers and started a stagnant Andre Davis... and still won! What a difference Donovan McNabb (Pass: 365 - 2 TD / 1 INT, Rush: 8 - 0) and Chris Chambers (Rec: 6 - 93 - 1) can make. Coach Ripple seems to be the most surprised "I CANNOT believe I won my matchup, with so many of my receivers on a bye week and/or out due to injury. I had basically given up on this week. CRAZY."
Sack of Worms 83.40
Repeat Offenders 100.87
Good quarterback? Check. Great running performance? Check. Good defense play? Check. How's that receiving game? Well, that's was the kicker for coach jagged and the Sack. Keary Colbert's bagel along with poor performances couldn't stand up to the likes of Darrell Jackson (Rec: 8 - 125 - 0) and Plaxico Burress (Rec: 5 - 52 - 1). "Yeah, well... well... Ronnie Brown outscored Corey Dillon, so NYAH!!!!" chided coach jagged at the end of the game. The win puts coach Husker at 2-1 and a decent (though far from great) position in the overall points race. "Hey, it's early, anything can happen. I need to keep bullying opponents to make sure I get a playoff spot." Tune in next week for another possible beating on the playground.
Lick my Lovepump 59.30
Max's Silver Hammers 60.30
Coach robotboy gave his teams some scholarly advice "Sometimes, you just gotta scuttle the ship, boys." He did not expect to have a chance in this game with his top running back and a key receiver on bye. Given that none of his running backs scored any points, the fact that he only lost a by a point speaks wonders of... nothing really. Terrell Owens (Rec: 9 - 80 - 1) and Jason Elam (3/4 FGs, 3/3 PATs) kept it close. Meanwhile, coach Max's woes continues in spite of winning. They are 1-2 and dead last in points. Everbody scored; they just didn't score much. Granted, Jake Delhomme (Pass: 285 - 3 TD / 1 INT) did well, and Robert Ferguson (Rec: 4 - 68 - 1) and Amani Toomer (Rec: 4 - 84 - 0) looked solid on the bench. "Yeah, Tiki's our main main, and he needs to be consistent; that's why he's the captain, right? I don't know how we can do this without him." The Hammers may have to figure out a way.
Bolsheviks in Space 62.40
Execute Plan 9 98.30
"Ruck the Fusskies!!!!" chanted coach Billz as he orchestrated another dominating victory. Hines Ward (4 - 110 - 2) and Keenan McCardell (4 - 80 - 2) lead the charge out of the gate. Carnell williams' 158 rushing yards was positive reinforcement for the Plan, who find themselves still King of the Hill and looking strong. Coach Lambchop finds himself in a tough spot at 1-2 with very few performances to enjoy outside David Givens (Rec: 9 - 130 - 0). Interestingly, though the skill positions are lacking, his biggest concern is special teams: "(David) Akers went lame on me not that he was having all that great a season to begin with." Perhaps a refocusing on the team as a whole will get those Bolsheviks into flight-worthy shape.
Schadenfreude 127.97
3.2% Evil 135.67
The top pick curse is ended!!! Maybe. All we knew was coach Marco was on the verge of being on of the best 0-3 teams ever going into Monday night. LaDanian Tomlinson (Pass: 26 - 1 TD / 0 INT, Rush: 192 - 3, Rec: 6 - 28 ) had a monster game, and he saw solid play from a number of starters. He had one of the top scores of the week and was losing. Eddie Kennsion (Rec: 8 - 155 - 0) saved the day. Credit to coach joy for a great performance featuring Steve Smith (Rec: 11- 170 - 3) and Julius Jones (Rush: 85 - 2; Rec: 4 - 28 - 0). Both of these teams deserve to be higher in the standings and, if there is any justice in this league, their time will come. Justice? In Fantasy football? As coach Timmy pontificated, "No one should score 120 points and lose." I think most would have expected the deep coach from Cincinnati to accomplish that very feat, but at least he's halfway to 120 most weeks. It's a start.
The Mendoza Line 86.33
Andyfest 85.47
Andyfest likes playing the close games, but sometimes he just can't win them. Coach jericho followed the OPA outscore-your-opponent method, and with the help of Travis Taylor (Rec: 3 - 40 - 2) and Jason Witten (Rec: 6 - 85 - 1) it got the job done. "Yeah, playing Andy is a nail-biter," said the Line guru "or is it that he's always biting his nails? I forget which. Anyways, I'm glad we won. Most this week will blame coach Andy's fate on Willie Parker (Rush: 55 - 0; Rec: 1 - -6 - 0) coming back to earth, but Willis McGahee (Rush: 140 - 1) more than picked up the slack. Kevin Curtis (Rec: 5 - 56 - 1) didn't look too bad either. "We've got everything in place. We just need to execute. Willie needs to kick ass again too, but that will come in time." We'll see how long coach Andy's optimism lasts.
Rocket Sauce 99.40
Greased-up Deaf Guys 128.70
It's official: Rocket Sauce is the best 0-3 team ever. They are fifth, yes fifth, in overall points. It was certainly a solid performance in spite of no QB play. Arnaz Battle, Deuce McAllister, Lamont Jordan, and Arnaz Battle all scored touchdowns, and Anquan Boldin got 106 yards from scrimmage. In the end, though, the Deaf Guys were just too good. Drew Bledsoe (Pass: 363 - 2 TD / 1 INT, Rush: 5 - 1) made coach bitterbuffalo pay for the QB abesense, and Torry Holt (Rec: 9 - 163 - 1) was rewarded with the game ball. Eric Parker (Rush: 30 - 0, Rec: 2 - 12) was the only starter to NOT register double digits for coach Paper. The win puts the Guys in a solid third place, both in the standing and overall points. The only question that remains is WHICH receiver is going to have the big game next week.
Week 3 All-Stars
QB: Daunte Culpepper
RB: LaDanian Tomlinson, Shaun Alexander
WR: Steve Smith, Brandon Lloyd, Torry Holt, Hines Ward
K: Neil Rackers
D: Tennessee
Season All-Stars
QB: Drew Bledsoe
RB: LaDanian Tomlinson, Brian Westbrook
WR: Steve Smith, Terrell Owens, Torry Holt, Chad Johnson
K: Neil Rackers
D: Chicago
Last edited by Sketch on Fri Sep 30, 2005 10:47 am, edited 1 time in total.
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