Oh shit, that made me laugh. These especially:

With such a varied and eclectic repertoire there is no doubt that this is a band to watch. You’ll also want to watch them because if you avert your eyes for more than three seconds these dudes look likely to jack your stereo and pawn it for rags and gasoline.

Vocals churn at earthquake-like registers. And Jabba the Bassist works the neck of his guitar like it was the last Subway sandwich in the galaxy.

At some point in its development, the FLIR must’ve sat down and said, “Ya know, a live drummer is only going to make the music more enjoyable and rhythmic, more interesting and engaging for the listener. How are we going to lull audiences into a near-vegetative state with a real live drummer keeping time?” Hence, we are left with melodies that are as interesting and memorable as a momentary gust of wind and electro-percussion that sounds like staccato R2D2 farts.

According to their 3,000 word “abridged” biography, LUX was formed “all the way back [in] the early winter of 2000.” This is one of my favorite myspace band bio tendencies: trying to give your lame, ass-awful band a sense of longevity and accomplishment by making relatively recent events sound as though they occurred eons and ages ago. How about something like this, dickos: All the way back in the early winter of 2000, during the turn of the century, Lux formed, invented music, built instruments out of tree bark and rocks, and began playing songs for pterodactyls, cavemen and the mummies of Egypt. Then they oiled each other up and created the art of high intensity bodybuilding.

One part titty dancer, one part Asian mail-order bride & one part upscale salon employee, TILA TEQUILA hails from California (surprise!) & sings nonsense pop songs with breathy expulsions and shrill exclamations. Backed by some “studio magic” (translation: 2 or 3 dudes that are low-paid assistant engineers at some shitty recording studio & think that playing & producing Tila’s record is going to earn them a coveted place in frilly drawers), MS. TEQUILA’s tunes are all wardrobe and no guts. It’s about as steamy & sultry as an igloo village & as sexy as a ham sandwich. And I’m not using that as a slang term for a vagina, I mean an actual ham sandwich.

UNLISTED INFLUENCES:
chronic acne. biker chain wallets. being molested by an uncle.

OMG THIS IS AWESOME.

and that broad tila is sooooooooooo man. i'm not even gonna get started on her.

This is fucking funny about David Allen Coe:

"If you’re a trucker with no ties to friends nor family and you’re planning a cross-country rampage wherein you’ll rape, disembowel and then re-rape unsuspecting Denny’s waitresses; David Allen Coe has done you a solid and recorded your personal soundtrack for such an excursion. And if that ain’t country, I’ll kiss your ass"

I must admit, this guy's pretty clever... favorite description so far of LUX:

Looking at any of their group photos gives you the feeling that you’re a mere four seconds away from being violently gang raped by a rogue Chippendale’s troupe. The only one with half some sense appears to be the drummer, TJ Stiles (alias: Black Star), who covers the lower portion of his face with a bandito bandana. TJ’s either shamefully cognizant of how utterly ridiculous five shirtless, greased up, muscular dudes must look when they’re all huddled around one another on a beach or he was the unfortunate victim of a horrible grease fire that left him grotesquely scarred from nostrils to chin.

It just do it justice, the LUX stuff is classic.

"LISTED INFLUENCES:
Evanescence, Goo Goo Dolls, Jars of Clay

UNLISTED INFLUENCES:
PowerBars. fantasizing that their groupies are actually dudes. No Fear tank tops.

MEET THE MONSTERS:
First I must extend miles and miles of thanks to Joseph from Glendale, CA for introducing me to this band. To return the favor I mailed him a dozen breakable glass vials filled with a highly concentrated, extremely rare and deadly strain of Chlamydia. Thanks, Joseph."

And let's not forget a pic, eh?

[img][358:500]http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y75/savanteous/lux.jpg[/img]