I'm going to a Bad Santa Party this weekend. It's an annual event hosted by several good friends and usually a great time -- unless, Dri makes you drinks, black out for the majority of the evening, puke on someone's couch and wake up in a foreign sofa with no recollection of the previous 12 hours. No worries, I still love Dri and am thinking that it's a good thing I can't drink this holiday season. Wait...did I REALLY just say that? "Can't drink?!" What the fuck am I saying?!

Anyhow, I need a Bad Santa gift that costs no more than 15 bucks. It can be offensive, obnoxious, and downright insulting. Most importantly, it's gotta be funny. For instance, I was Damen's Bad Santa. I consulted my creative juices and created a "HOW TO MAKE A PORN FILM" booklet, complete with props. In turn, my Bad Santa gave me a four-pack of enemas.

This year, I've been given a good friend who I've not seen in over a year. Since last seeing her, I've learned that she's now an open lesbian. Based on that information, I need to think of a Bad Santa gift. Unfortunately, my creative juices are tapped out and am looking to you, my Obnoxious Obnerians, for guidance. Help!

And she can still use it after the holidays.

But for what?

Hows about a Playgirl or some other adult entertainment featuring Men since she apparently has no interest anymore.

Maybe some hardcore gay male pron. *blech*

Bottle those (or test tube them), and there's your first gift.

Strap-on for the second.

That was too easy.

Mail order is not an option -- the party is three days away. Though, funny and would've made for a great gift.

A strap-on = boring.

And no bodily fluids shall be given or exchanged, sorry.

I was thinking of gay male objects, but that shit gets expensive. Hustler is down the street from me -- I still might pop in and see if they have anything interesting for cheap.

Get her a piece of carpet.

And some stain remover.

Edit: or add some utensils.

Go to the local gardening center and grab a dung bunny. Fun for the whole family.

A dung bunny?

this + a dental dam = a Christmas miracle

tubes of anal-ease and lubricant
gay porn
a couple of zip ties (handcuffs in a hurry)

i think everyone knows better than to take drinks from me.

oh, i know who yours is.... why don't you ask jp for help? he knows her better than anyone else does. my bad santa gift is going to be AWESOME... i got our very own stealth booty so i'm compiling an emergency kit of "how to survive a shark attack" since he's going to australia for surfing in january.

items will include:
-a framed photograph of bethany hamilton (in case you don't know who she is, she's a 14 yr. old surfer who got attacked by a shark and only has one arm now). so i'm going to sign it and say "hi seth- if i can do it, so can you!"
-a book on surviving shark attacks in australia. however, the book is meant for 3rd grade level reading.
-a tourniquet, gauze, a needle, and dental floss in case you need to stitch up your wound.

still thinking of a few more items to throw in there that i can make. this is going to be fun. *evil grin*

put together some sort of religious themed gift intervention meant to 'turn' her straight again.

Think "garden store" and "fertilizer".

Oh damn, I LOVE your idea!! Seth is gonna definitely get a kick out of it.

And I'm calling JP right now to get some suggestions -- thanks!

yeah i don't know how i came up with it, i was going to get him a broken surfboard but 1) i don't have the time to find one, 2) that shit is too big for me to lug around. it was one of those drunken moments and voila! i had to think of something that would actually offend seth, since he's always pushing my buttons!

if you can't get a hold of jp via phone, send him a message on myspace. lol.