You may have read in another post that Dri (Pumachik), Damen (Dubwise) and I attend a Bad Santa party every year. The gifts can get quite creative with only $15 to spend. Being stressed out and completely lackin' time, I couldn't think of what to give my Bad Santa -- not to mention, I was lackin' creative juices. So, while stuck in traffic last night, the following idea finally popped into my head!

AURAL FIXATION PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS:

DUMMIES GUIDE ON HOW TO CREATE YOUR OWN CHEAP PORN FILM
(The Christmas 2004 Edition)

Materials Required:
1 Disposable Camera
1 Box of Condoms (choose appropriate size and preference)
1 Pair of Black Dress Socks
1 Tube of Lubricant (KY Jelly Preferred)
1 Container of Glitter (choose colour preference)
Scotch Tape
Paper (choose preferred colour)

How To Use Disposable Camera
Look through viewfinder
Point camera at object
Shout at photo subject -- "Ready, look sexy at the camera...give me lust....aaaaaaaaaaaaand...ACTION!"
Shoot photo
(Depending on location and light availability, flash may be required)

How To Apply Black Socks
What? Are you a frickin' idiot? You put 'em on one at a time! Sheesh!

How To Put on Condoms
Christ, if you need a fuckin' diagram to learn how to put on a condom, you're more pathetic than I thought. Start practicing now, baby!

How To Apply Glitter
Christ, did you think you'd be watching Mariah Carey's horrible acting premier in a lame ass video? Time to put on some sparkly shit on that body of yours. Sprinkle liberally over all your delicate body parts...take particular attention around the ass. There's nothing like a sparkly ass to get one going. Ohhhh yeah!

How To Direct Actors
Let’s face it, where are you gonna get actors for your cheap ass porn film? More than likely it’ll be you and some tawdry whore you found on Santa Monica Blvd. Here’s what to tell her / him:

“Just pose there, bitch, and do what I say.”
“Did I say you could move?”
“Ride it!”
“Suck harder!”

How To Produce Film
Develop Photos — suggested that you make doubles

Place Scotch Tape and Coloured Paper in Accessible Area (paper must be sized slightly larger than photo)

Place Photos In Order — that means in the order they were shot, Mr. Director.

Start Taping Photos Onto Coloured Paper (as close to the right edge as possible)

Stack Taped Photos Together

Staple along left edge of paper creating a booklet

Here’s the tricky part...this is where most Porn Directors lose it...quickly flip photos from the right, viewing film sequence.

Voila! You’ve just created your own cheap porn film! What? Did you think this would be more sophisticated? Get a life, PERV!!

How To Distribute Finished ProductPlease, who’s gonna want your cheap piece of shit that only YOU and your 14 year old little brother find amusing?

Throw it away.

Copyright Protected Nowhere But In My Obscene Mind


I laughed after it was done -- I would've posted the photos that accompanied each page, but that would take forever. (I seriously need to take a break from work!) Anyway, I'm off to buy the materials to accompany my just-created booklet. Hope my recipient likes it!!

You should be Oral Fixation with a guide like that

Btw, my Bad Santa recipient was Damen (Dubwise). I think he might like me a little less now.

Actually I love the gift. It took some thought & creativity. I've almost used up the camera at school on set. The KY & rubbers might have to go into storage with the streak I'm on.

HAHA. Everyone was surprised I didn't get mad at my gift... a psychology/self-help book called "The Lost Art of Listening" and a postcard that had WHINING crossed out with a little note that said, "From everyone: please read this book. Love, your friends."

Thanks a lot fuckers.

I got my bad santa a pink dildo. Long story short, she doesn't like "pink penis" so I figured, it's time to start lovin' it.

I wish there were more bad santa parties, to offend us all!!!

Do you know who my Bad Santa was? Did I get anything? Cuz...uhm...I don't remember. :embarassed:

Billy got you 6 enimas

Oh my god! Are you serious??? I'm GLAD I don't remember!!