Couple hours ago I get a knock on my door. I open it a just a bit and there's a guy maybe 20-23 years old standing outside. Says he just moved in next door and is cooking some hamburgers but doesn't have an onion and was wondering if I have any extra onion he could use.

I said "no, have a good night" and closed the door. Locking it a minute later.

Here's the problem. I know everyone in the 7 other units in my building and the newest people are a couple across the hall who moved in a month ago. They're roughly the same age as Onion Guy, but it's a small apt. so I doubt he's in there too, and I've never seen him before anyway.

Thoughts? If he was looking for shit to steal he didn't get much glimpse since it was dark and I only opened the door less than a foot. But I'm still a little concerned. And despite what my geographic location might suggest, I live in a really safe suburban area and this is a virtually trouble-free complex. So it's not like I'm old hat at this.

If you had given him an onion, he would have transformed into a beautiful woman who would have granted you three wishes.

Way to blow it.

Did you have an onion?

No. As a rule, can't stand the things.

Night, night...keep ya butt hole tight.

first out of the nose screen spit of 2007.
bless you, my boy.

Now reply to my PM from 3 weeks ago, damn you!!

He's a rapist.

You don't need to worry.

this week. i promise.
i've been busy breaking up with girls and stuff.

Well, that's a relief.

Eh, he was knee-high to a skunk. I could tackle him and dispense with him pretty quickly.

You know, that sentence has a completely different meaning if OPA!'s writing it.

it's all code-speak

"do you have an onion?" = "want to come back to my place?"

"just moved next door" = just realized he is gay

"cooking hamburgers" = jerking off to gay porn

Sounds to me like you're paranoid about neighbours asking for onion.

Must be the Midwest permutation of that pocket square code that was supposed to convey (through color, folding and placement combinations) what kind of gay sex the wearer was into and/or seeking.

ass

But the guy's not a neighbor. As I said, I know everyone in my building and he's not one of them. Plus, there's a market like a block away.
It's just a little too curious for my liking.

My take on this could all be distorted from residual drunkenness and shellshock from a bunch of drama @ the NYE party I went to.

NP: Black Sabbath - "Paranoid"

Still, if I were you, I'd douche just in case...

It is Flint, did someone shoot that bitch up.

It is a little weird, BUT, that is an elaborate story to make up to case you joint.

I would ask yr neighbors if he popped in on them at all. If he did, then gather as many descriptions as you can and as yr landlord. If he balks then call the police. If no one else saw him, report it.

Either way, you should sleep with onions surrounding your bed, and a baseball bat at ready.

There was a murder on my street a few days ago. Guy got kicked to death in his home by persons unknown.

I'll bet you anything they got in by asking for an onion.

People don't really live like that, do they?

People like me!

I'll take onions for $20, Alex.

nothin creeps my nerves like some twenty-something onion-asking motherfucker

sig-worthy.