We've established that badgers are pretty bad ass and we wouldn't want to tangle with them. But what about 12 year olds? Based on the article below, I'd say I could probably take 5 or so, on a good day. I'm not much of a fighter.


From www.mcsweeneys.net

A REALISTIC
ASSESSMENT OF
HOW MANY 12-YEAR-OLDS I COULD BEAT UP BEFORE THEY OVERTOOK ME.
BY MATT SCHWEIGER
- - - -

Your average 12-year-old boy is about 5 feet tall, weighs in the area of
a buck-fifteen, and has developed little muscle mass.

I am 21, approximately 6 feet tall, tip the scales at an even 180, and
have a moderately athletic and muscular build.

Judging on these statistics and what I assume would be a natural
ferocity that would spring forth in a moment of physical danger, I
estimate that I could beat up seven 12-year-olds before they overtook
me. Of course, these would have to be the aforementioned average-sized
12-year-olds. Future linebackers, NBA players, and all Scandinavian
children would throw off this equation. On the flip side, if these were
some wimpy, four-square-playing, future-jockey 12-year-olds, I imagine
the number would skyrocket to anywhere between 12 and 15. It's simple
exponential math.

This is also assuming that my opponents are smart enough to organize
themselves into a circular attack instead of coming at me one by one. If
it were an individual, king-of-the-mountain battle royale, I could
endlessly pummel 12-year-olds without mercy. But we're assuming at least
a sixth-grade education in a marginal public school as well as some
exposure to kung-fu movies, so these kids would form a circle.

However, using my quick wits, I would charge one portion of the circle,
landing a devastating blow on the unlucky individual, which would make
the others proceed with hesitancy. One on one, I feel like I could
deliver a lot of punishment to a 12-year-old. There would be one or two
brave ones who would jump on my back, distracting me and thus enabling
the others to attack. At best, I could fight off the two heroes on my
back and maybe take out four on the ground before I was felled by
fatigue and numerous kicks to my groin and shins. This would equal a
grand total of seven.

My friend Brian, who stands about 6 feet 2 inches and is stronger than
myself, estimates that he could take down a dozen 12-year-olds. I find
this hard to believe, but he has been in a fight with people his own age
and is a little taller, making groin shots more difficult. Brian's reach
is much longer than mine as well, which is a huge advantage. If you can
land solid shots from a distance longer than the 12-year-olds' legs,
there is no need to worry about groin kicks.

He says he would attack one portion of the circle in a fury, scaring off
any would-be heroes who wanted to jump on his back and sacrifice
themselves for the group. Then he would deal massive blows until fatigue
and the inevitable groin shots brought him to the ground. I told him I'd
give him nine or ten, but even for the above-average Brian, taking down
a dozen 12-year-olds seems like a lot.

If it weren't for the law and my own morals, we could put these pressing
questions to rest. Alas, these barriers still stand in our way.

I'm a pacifist anyway.

zero.
except for the kid in my son's class who still wears mitten clips.

Why is the issue of beating up kids suddenly at the fore of modern discourse?

I didn't know it was.

I just thought the article was funny in light of our previous discussion about fighting badgers.

I thought it was funny given that Dov just posted this

Funny. I missed that post. 5 year olds would be a lot easier to take than 12 year olds.

Most twelve years olds are bigger than me. I'm mean and don't fight fair if attacked (is it fair that I'm so short? all fucking right, then.), so I could probably take care of two, three tops. Why is this the topic of the moment, lately? Sudden fear of the children's revolution?

i dunno, but i went and kicked the shit outta a couple kis on my lunch break to get warmed up. I was on my tird when a crotch shot brought me down. Now I've got indian burns all over my arm.

That's why, when fighting children of any age, you must equip yourself with a cup.

And you'd assume that shitkicking five 12 year olds would be equal to bootfucking twelve 5 year olds...

but you'd be wrong.

Beating up children for no apparrent reason? That's soooooo Red State of you...

i rounded a corner today. i beat up some kids. but it was for a purpose.

How many 12-year-olds are reading this and are getting ready to gang up on someone in here? You get a couple dozen reading this and you could be in trouble.

Or at least get you fired.

fp

Screw beating up kids. Lighting homeless people on fire is the only real fun left in the world.























Well, that and training dogs to sic people on command. Because watching people cower or better yet, be attacked by dogs is funny.






















seriously.

What's this about tweleve year old badgers?

Lighting Homeless people on fire isn'tr for fun..Its just to make yourself feel better. Now, coating homeless people in maet tenderizer and siccing a pack of dogs one em...DAT FUN!

pacifist 12 year old badgers, no contest.

ha, I sent this article to my husband, and here's what he responded with:

I think the author is overly optimistic. I think that a group of 12 year olds would not hesitate to attack en masse, no matter how stupid they are. In such an en masse attack, I think that the author goes down relatively hard and fast...like a water buffalo under a pack of lions, being eaten alive even as it continues to struggle.

Now of course on the flip side, I would say that neither the author nor his friend mentioned a tactic that I would use to heighten the intimidation level. Like them, I would quickly take out one of the punks, hard. I would then use that downed kid as a weapon to beat down the other kids with! That first downed kid would become my battle hammer, to pummel at least one or two other kids with. I'd grab my downed victim by the ankles and swing him for all he was worth. What could be more intimidating than to be beaten up WITH one of your friends?! Granted, this would be a pretty tiring tactic, so I would in short order toss that sack o' kid to the curb, hoping that the intimidation factor was now at a zenith in the other kids.

i would just piss on them and they would probably run away

[rkelly]would these be male or female twelve year olds?[/rkelly]

they've done surveys... according to the department of health the average 12 year old is 176 pounds due to the increase in fast food... by the year 2050 the life expectancy will be down from 73 years to nine...
whole towns will be made of jello due to the current extreme labor requirements...

in accordance to the research done by the department of health i would say i could take on about fifty 12 year olds before i got bored and did something else...