(warning: this is a pretty serious/heavy topic, but i need to talk about this. sorry.)

ok so i'm completely freaking out right now. i found out on sat. afternoon (right when i got to coachella) that a friend of mine committed suicide. i put it on the back burner because it wasn't the time or place to think about but now the reality finally hit me. it kills me because he was supposed to go to a show with another friend and i on thurs. night. my friend had dropped him off before she met up with me... and he said to her that he wanted to come out with us, but he didn't. i'm guessing she was the last person he saw because he was found the next morning by his roommate and the lights were still on. so it's like, WHAT IF. WHAT IF he came out with us that night, would he have killed himself? of course no one thought this would happen. i know i can't blame myself for this, but i can't help but think this. i never had to deal with anything like this before, death yes, but never suicide. i just don't understand why someone would do that to themself... i think it's the most selfish thing a person can do.

how do you deal with this? i know there's nothing one can really say to make me feel any better, but i really just needed to let this out because i refuse to believe that he did this to himself. i'm a huge fuckin complete mess right now.

Damn. Sorry to hear about this puma. I knew a guy who killed himself in high school and it's something that you can never figure out. It's a stupid selfish way out of one's problems.

Depression is the least talked about disorder of any in the country, especiallay among males. It's good to talk about this with your friends because they can hopefully help make any kind of sense out of it.

I'm sorry for your loss. Just try and remember him in better times.

Also, you can't think "what if" or you'll drive yourself nuts. There is nothing you could do. If he didn't do it then he still may have later.

Let me start by saying my brother and a good frend both killed themselves. It's very common to blame yourself and/or be mad at the person who commited suicide. These are very natural feelings. I regret that I didn't spend more time with him, and I know that things would have gotten better for him. In both instances, they made an impulsive decision, and that's the part I really regret. However, I think life had been spiraling out of control for them for a while.

Pumachik, You don't ever fully grip the situation. you just come to terms with their decision as best as you can. It's hard. Much harder than regular death. Best advice I can give is to focus on things you did do with them, and try to remember them without the suicide. If you focus on the what if's, you'll drive yourself nuts. You have my sincerest apologies.

You can't torture yourself that way, Dri. No "what if's" in the world are gonna bring him back. And, I'm sorry to say that if it hadn't been that night, it would've been another night.

It's horribly sad when tortured souls find no solace in life. To them, the only escape or end to their torment is by ending their lives. And you're right, it is a very selfish thing to do, but in their mind, it's the only thing they have control of.

I didn't know your friend, but have had to deal with suicidal friends. Luckily for them, they never succeeded, but did obtain the help they so desperately needed. And, I'll tell you from personal experience, having suicidal friends is one of the most taxing relationships you can ever have. They're emotionally draining and oftentimes, not very rewarding. They make you feel like just getting up and walking away from the whole situation. Definitely not for the faint of heart or strong of mind.

Dri, always remember his spirit and the good times you shared. I hope that he finds the contentment and peace he was searching for wherever he is.

This has shook up a memory in me. I only know one person who did this to themselves. He was a bass player in a little band, out of my high school, called No Doubt. I use to talk to Gwen often when I went to pick up my girlfriend at the Broadway. Anyways, I talked to this guy occasionally but we weren’t close at all. I went to the funeral and there is where it hit me, how could anyone put others through that ordeal. Hundreds of kids were there and I’m glad I never had to go through that again.

On the other hand I almost did have to go through it again and it was a lot closer to home. One of my best friends attempted suicide and failed. To this day I still feel that he never really meant it but was in the hospital for a while and went through a bunch of B.S. because of it. The reason was because of a girl, which is insane if you ask me, but in high school things seem much bigger than they really are. Today he is a successful doctor and is pretty happy in life.

Today my dad is at a funeral because someone in the family has died. Sorry, I’m no help because these things happen. I just felt like relating the story because it has to do with the subject and a bit about music. Stay well…

np: Gorillaz – Demon Days

It's natural that you are having the "what if" thoughts, but do the best you can to let them go. Unfortunately, none of us who are nor going through that level of depression can begin to relate to the place he was in.

I had a climbing buddy that I had to stop going out with because he obviously had a death wish by the behavior he would display in dangerous places, and he eventually died. It was considered an accident, but many of us in the climbing community knew what was up. We talked for months about the "what if one of us had been with him that day, we could have stopped it" until we realized it was beyond our control.

Hang in there, wish him a peaceful rest and think good thoughts about him.

Peace.

I agree with pretty much everything that's been said already...it's really one of those things you'll never "figure out" .

Just be thankful that you've never known the kind of pain that leads people to do this, I guess.

This type of scenario is just one of those "no redeeming qualities" deals.

I disagree with this notion that suicide is stupid and selfish. I find that an insensitive, knee-jerk reaction that fairly clearly illustrates just one more small reason why someone would choose that route. Anyway, there's not much to say or do - just take solace in the fact that you can't figure out why someone would end their own life ('cuz there's only one way to understand such a thing - and chances are good you don't make it back from that point).

You're still here. And you've got memories. And when you think about it, that's all anybody has most of the time anyway.

As usual Radcliffe is correct.

Sorry about your friend, Puma.

Very well put, sir. I agree.

Good luck w/ everything. There are a lot of people with depression in my family and my wife's family. Several have killed themselves or tried including my uncle, my mother in law, my wife's cousin, etc, etc. It is very difficult but I know how you are feeling.

I'm sorry that you had to lose your friend this way, and hope that you and your other friends find healing and consolation in working to understand your loss.

Damn Uncle Monger, twice in a day I will disagree with you. Suicide is usually stupid and selfish. It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

I haven't ever dealt with this situation first hand, but people close to me have passed recently, and I find stupid shit reminds me of them all the time. Certain smells, foods or even phrases.

The what if thing will drive you nuts if you let it, but you have to think about it more like you do when you are opening an acceptance letter, or expecting big news: Nothing you can do would change what's in the envelope. Whether you open it later or now, or while standing on your head, the words on that letter were printed before it was put in the envelope.

This really sucks, and I hope you are able to deal with it in a rational, mature way. I on the other hand, would get drunk. Very, Very Drunk.

agreed.

puma, i'm really sorry to hear about your friend.

-D

I know this is easy to say and hard to actually do, but be sure to celebrate their life in addition to grieving over the death. Just make sure you and your friends are there for each other.

sorry puma. i guess living in a place where the suicide rate is 8 or 9 times the national average has made me kind of desensitised to it. at least three people in the town i lived in committed suicide from when i was in grade 7 to grade 12. this was in a town with 3200 people, and its just like that all over the northern canada.

I've never gone down that far, but I've seen that fork in the road in myself. Depression completely negates your sense of self-worth; it becomes impossible to conceive that things could ever improve.

Once you're to the point of suicide, if you are even capable of stepping outside of the torment long enough to consider your friends and family, all you can see is how much better off they'd be if you weren't around burdening them.

The author William Styron wrote an excellent short book called Darkness Visible, about his lifelong depression, leading up to the night he almost killed himself. I re-read it every time I'm going through a bad depressive phase. Here's an quote for people who haven't suffered a serious depression:

"In depression this faith in deliverance, in ultimate restoration, is absent. The pain is unrelenting, and what makes the condition intolerable is the foreknowledge that no remedy will come - not in a day, an hour, a month, or a minute. If there is mild relief, one knows that it is only temporary; more pain will follow. It is hopelessness even more than pain that crushes the soul. So the decision-making of daily life involves not, as in normal affairs, shifting from one annoying situation to another less annoying - or from discomfort to relative comfort, or from boredom to activity - but moving from pain to pain. One does not abandon, even briefly, one's bed of nails, but is attached to it wherever one goes."

If it helps any, consider it that your friend was possessed by this sickness that robs you of the ability to hope, this unceasing nausea of the soul. Remember that it was the disease that brought him to this decision--he had been robbed of the best parts of himself.

How do you deal with it? I guess you could do like I have and just...um...don't. I just kept on living and the horror dissipated eventually. All people grieve differently and some blame themselves more than others. I dealt with it by not dealing with it and just kept going with life. Probably wouldn't work for everyone, I guess. If I'd confronted the grief head on I would have blamed myself and wouldn't have been much good as a father or husband.

As far as it being the most selfish thing one can do, I think that's only applicable to a point, as is the idea that it's a permanent fix to a temporary problem. Some problems are permanent, like schizophrenia, chronic pain, degenerative disease, encroaching senility, etc. Not temporary at all.

It's true that you leave grieving and confused people behind, but sometimes those people actually DO know why you did it.

Absolutely stunning -- brilliantly written, Steve.

yes.

I didn't post yesterday, Puma, because there wasn't really anything I could offer that others haven't already said. I am sorry to hear about your friend though. Take care of yourself, please.

thanks for the kind words everyone... the feeling inside is getting worse because the memorial is later today. what kills me even more is that his mother cannot afford to give him a proper burial so we're trying to raise $3,000 to help out with the funds for the memorial services. i can't even imagine what she must be going through right now.

another reason why this hits me really hard is because when i was in high school, i was very suicidal. i even attempted it once (i never really told anyone this before) but now i look back and realize that it was dumb of me and wouldn't have solved anything & i'm fortunate that i've come out of that state of mind.

but- thanks for listening... i know this is something really personal but none of my other friends really understand or have been through this before so it's hard to talk about it.