I have to go down to the Social Security office today and explain why I still don't have a job after 4 months. I expect it to be quite an unpleasent experience so I need some excuses. Anything you can come up with will be greatly appreciated.

I've only thought up three of my own which aren't of the highest quality it has to be said.

1) "Sorry, I'm just really rubbish at everything"
2) "I've been really depressed"
3) "I'm writing a screen play"

I am actually going to start looking for a job (because I literally have no money now...and the weathers not as nice) after this. I'd like to chop wood with an axe but there's not much of that going on around here.

tell them you have clinical depression.

Tell them that you've been attending to a sick relative...

Ugh. This wasn't going well. This wasn't getting well at all. They had cut off my money two weeks ago because, so they claimed, I had missed an interview. But I had not missed an interview.

Feeling cheated, abused and clearly the victim of state sponsored turpitude and, what's more, injustice on an outrageous scale, I rallied to the cause armed with justice as my sword and truth as my shield.

Combining logic and rhetoric I confounded the wicked form of Ms McDonald with my Periclean debating skills and ultimately triumphed in the face of adversity. As the dust from the battle of our war of words subsided, the Powers-That-Be were left licking the wounds of a stark defeat, while I enjoyed the spoils of victory (an emergency Giro cheque - soon to be transformed by retail transaction into a Laura Cantrell album) and hailed my own fortitude and courage.

One man against the terrifying machine of Government! But I had won! I had lifted reading and listening to music and visiting botanic gardens and art galleries triumphantly up on to my shoulders...and soundly slapped the crappy service sector with it's supermarket delicatessen counter jobs, call centres and fast food restaurants down into the mud of ignominy!

I made my victory speech, looking down with contempt on my shattered foe, conveying in no uncertain terms what they would be up against if we were to ever cross swords again.

"I shall not flag nor fail. I shall go on to the end! I shall fight in Job Centres and in the Social Security offices; I shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength with every victory. I shall defend my ideals whatever the cost may be! I shall fight here and there, I shall fight on the streets and in poorly maintained Council tower blocks, and I shall never surrender! Never!"

Darrin is like Bonnie Prince Charlie in stature, but in jammies and slippers.

I hear Vandelay Industries is hiring. You like latex?

fp

Does this mean that the two pages (front and back) of excuses I came up with are no longer needed?

Save 'em for Darrin's next interview.

Why don't you write?

I'd like to write. But unfortunately due to impatience and a very limited attention span, I've never produced anything of note. E-mails and message boards are the demarcation line at which my 'talent' stops dead.

If ever there's a market for four paragraphs of half demented nonsense about arguments with train ticket inspectors or being attacked by marine wildlife, I'll be "quids in". But until that day I'm afraid my words are unwanted and injecting heroin in a dank side alley amongst the bins and rats and refuse.

Chop! Chop! Chop! Chop! I still fancy being a lumberjack.

I'm picking out your flannel shirt now, Darrin.

Perhaps you could write the copy for the packaging of Brawny papertowels....



...seems to me you could kill 2 birds with one stone there.