So, I got an email from someone that I've pretty much eliminated from my life over the course of a couple of years. Long story short-- friend was female, and a very close friend for roughly 2-3 years. She went on and on about how she'd never give up her friends for a guy. Guess what? She got engaged, and everyone got kicked to the curb. It was a tough time for me because I had thought I'd done something wrong, or done something to warrant her unexplained non-communication-- she stopped responding to emails, phone calls, etc. Then I slowly began to realize that it wasn't me, it was her-- she had always been self-centered and obnoxious (btw, all my other friends noticed this straightaway, but not me for whatever reason), we had always done things by her schedule, she never had a nice thing to say about anyone she perceived as a threat, etc., etc.

So anyhow, it took me a while to get over this friendship "breakup" so to speak, but I'm finally in a place where it doesn't bother me so much anymore. So then I get an email from her today, asking if I want to participate in a mutual friend's 40th birthday shindig. I actually had a doctor's appointment after work, so I had a convenient excuse for declining. It was weird... I felt oddly empowered, for whatever reason. Anybody had similar things happen?

I'm kinda going through that right now. A buddy of mine was suppossed to be in my wedding. I was the best man in his. I was engaged for over 2 years. 2 months before the wedding, my friend tells me he has to work and can't be in the wedding. In his defense, he's a chief resident at an emergency room. The wedding came and went and he wasn't there. Not so big a deal. However, he hasn't called me once to let me know he was sorry. Nor did he send a gift or present to assuage my wife's anger. I'm normally not the type of person who holds a grudge. This thing, however, is seriously threatening our friendship.

Almost all of my old friends are ex friends - I moved away for a few years and when I came back it seemed that everyone had become totally lame in the interim - never wanting to go out...just staying at home with the wife/kids. I am really down to 2 real friends now - a friend that I have had since I was about 10 years old and a friend from law school...

Rodney, strange but true-- a lot of my really close friends (you know, when the chips are down, these people are gonna be there for you no matter what) are friendships that I made early in my life, say from middle-school through college.

The wonderful thing about my situation is that I met some really great, fun people through this girl, and luckily, I've been able to maintain those friiendships despite her lameness. And they're all aware of her lameness too, so it's not just me.

Grape, I hear ya. It's hard. I mean, I went roughly 1.5 years fretting over this friendship, and finally I realized, "Fuck it, this isn't worth my time or energy anymore, and I've got friends around me that do matter, so I'm going to focus on them."

yeah, kinda.

i moved to chicago with a friend of mine from new york. we only saw each other when i was in new york and we always got along then. sure, there were things i didn't like about her, but nothing outrageous. the first few weeks living together went fine. we both had some trouble getting started socially and professionally, but she slowly pulled away and never talked to me unless she needed something.

i had a female friend from college visit about two months into it. what happened was more than just visiting, if you know what i mean. one morning, she and i went to breakfast at a place that my roommate had recommended to me. (for the record, my roommate made a big fucking deal out of not liking breakfast.) my roommate flipped out that we didn't invite her. then two weeks later, she and two friends met a guy and fawned over him the whole next day while i ran errands with them. i met the guy the following week. he seemed to be pretty normal and wasn't the most extraordinary specimen of man ever, like i'd been led to believe. i said, "you're really not what i'd expected." that was apparently the most hateful comment ever and she began to hate me for it. a few other little things happened and she stopped talking to me altogether. she then pulled everything of hers from a common area and into her bedroom, even the cable box.

i go out with my friends nightly and she sulks at home. whenever i mention something to her now, like "there's no water pressure in the shower" or "i have a friend coming for the weekend", she asks if i can drive her somewhere. you can probably guess how i answer her.

i was really upset about how things had deteriorated at first, but i'm totally fine with it now. i don't need that bullshit in my life.

I "lost" my best friend (of the female variety, too) who I'd known for fourteen years nearly two years ago, and it still pisses me off. It really did feel like a breakup, as you called it - lots of hurt feelings and "why?" questions that never got properly answered. I should have seen it coming - when I met her in high school, she was in the process of shunning one friend who she'd deemed unworthy of her attention (and, at the time, I agreed with her, having only heard her side of the story.) Fast-forward 14 years and suddenly, out of the blue, I'm getting the same treatment. Of course, I didn't realize it until far too late, and when I finally did ask what was going on it was basically a "it's not you, it's me" type of BS response. When one reason for not being friends anymore is "you live all the way across town," you know there's nothing salvageable there. What really sucks is that she was my best "man" at my wedding, which seems terribly stupid in hindsight, and makes for awkward explanations - "Yeah, we're not friends anymore, she just lives too far away. It was just too much of a hassle."

lesson learned: anytime a friendship is ruined over a guy= not worth it.

i had to learn the hard way. i was a fuckin mess over it, but now i'm glad i don't have that kind of bullshit in my life anymore because it taught me the essence of what a true friendship should be about. needless to say, i normally don't like holding grudges but since it wasn't just once she fucked me over, i refuse to even give her the time of day if she ever tried to contact me or apologize to me.

besides that, most of my "old" friends went their separate ways because we don't have much in common anymore and occasionally we e-mail or run into each other... but that's about it. once it's in the past, it's in the past.

ugh.

First off, when Rodney talks of how his friends stay home with spouses/kids blah blah blah, yeah well try being that person who has a kid and has no money and would like to go out but can't. Believe it or not it's not always because the person doesn't want to, it's just that there are other responsibilities.

Plus look at the fact that sometimes people assume because you're married with kids that you don't want to go out so that they don't seem to pick up a fucking phone and call you or invite you out etc. It sucks.

Yeah I'm bitter. I've been feeling rather lonely these days as I don't know where the fuck or who the fuck my friends are anymore. Add to the fact that some have moved away, some have disappeared off the planet, some are busy with other stuff, one's got a baby and another on the way(my best friend whom I haven't even seen since my wedding). And that even though we're only in the south loop not another city, it still feels like it as it's hard to get up to the north side and back again for a night without either being a pain in the ass or costing a lot of money.

Ok, I'm pissy right now.

Oh and Dana, I had a friend like that, she was bitter as all hell, only seemed to thrive on my misery. We ended a friendship, then a year later when she was in therapy her therapist talked her into calling and making ammends. We did, then she resorted back to her old crap again. My family absolutely hated her and called her the sullen snake. Other friends said she was a whiny bitch. But I'm generally too fucking nice and too shy in person to stand up for myself. We ended it for good a couple years ago and I'm happier since then.

Don't worry about it, just ignore this chick.

Yah, i have experienced lately the wrath, or weird behavior, from a friend who was always sending this someone else's way. Now that it's directed at me, for an incident that I was a part of and clearly non-deserving of it, I question all the times that I listened to this person and her perceptions of the events leading to her anger, frustruation and disappointment with people (many of whom are also my friends). It kind of made me feel bad for listening and even being influenced by her.

Now, there's an easy "truce," but things feel weird, and she's one to hold grudges. I'm not sure if our friendship will be the same.

Sad.

I have been fortunate in the extreme, and perhaps this thred makes me realize it. A few dissapointments, but overall, I have some very reliable friends (several of whom inhabit this board) who go back to middle or high school.

Ain't that a kick in the pants? Yeah, I felt the same way, and it made me question myself as far as "Am I that ignorant of people and their motivations?" Man, it's amazing when someone stupid can influence your life so much that you question yourself like that. It almost makes you not want to extend yourself to people anymore, but at the same time, I've got some great girlfriends now-- married, single, with and without kids-- and I wouldn't trade them for the world.

And Jen, I'm the same way as you. Not very confrontational about that sort of thing, but also not afraid to talk about it if it's brought up in conversation. Man, if I lived in Chicago, we could go have drinks right now, and you could leave your boys to take care of themselves for the evening! I think you and I would get along famously.

Two of my best friends (females) whom I have known since 7th grade and I had a falling out a few years ago. One is married with children, the other is doomed to be a virgin for the rest of your life (her choice) -- I love them both as if they were my own blood and would do almost anything for them. But, when I started leading a different life than theirs, they decided that I was now "neglecting" them and couldn't understand why I no longer wished to attend family functions.

Truth of the matter was, I thought their lives were boring. We no longer shared the same interests, had different tastes in activities and were living out their middle-aged years. They couldn't understand why I had no desire to attend one of their boring events week after week, sacrificing MY social life for theirs. The two of them became petty and vicious to the point that when we were planning our high school reunion together, I was voted out of the committee while on vacation ("you lack commitment to this project"). Stupid, junior high behaviour, which further confirmed my feelings that we had grown apart.

I was initially hurt and angry by their actions, but soon realized that it was my lifestyle they were jealous of. So, after a few months of ignoring each other, I sat down with each one and confronted them. Yup, it was true -- they were jealous. More importantly, they felt that I had kept them out of my life purposely and felt neglected. I suppose it was an eye opener for all of us, yet mutual respect was deepened and allowed our relationship to mature. I still don't go to all of the family functions and they're fine with that (whew!). Our relationship will never be the same as when we were kids, but, we care very much for each other and that will never go away.

one of the weeknights i have my kids is monday.
memorial day is on a monday, so i go to pick them up at 5 and a party is winding down at the ex's house. it stings a little because hosting these types of functions is something we did a lot as a family.

so i get out of the car and there are people in the driveway and in the yard and everybody looks up at me and gets all weird and starts looking down and fussing with a friend's baby and stuff. not one person said hello to me until i went right up to them and said hello and passed out a few hugs. they were all very uncomfortable and didn't quite know what to do.

of course there's the guy that yells "hey coach we were just talking about you" and walks me to the car and tries to overcompensate by saying he hardly ever sees my family, how awkward these things can be, etc., etc. people barely said goodbye and i have to say i was quite hurt by the whole thing.

these people have seen me at functions over the past 2 years and have talked to me but lately it's weirder and weirder for them. the guy she slept with for 3 years was there as was his wife--the ex's supposed best friend.

it really hurt because while they weren't all super close best friends of mine we've been somewhat tight because all of our kids were friends. i coached their kids for 5 years in baseball. they slept at my house. i wiped their noses and their asses at times. i really cared for them and now i'm on the outs. there are very few people who call me to do stuff with there kids--i initiate almost everything.

if it weren't for my kids, i would have packed up all my shit and left town that night. these are some very shallow people and the ironic thing is that i have been approached by 4 seperate people telling me how they wish they could leave their families or are thinking about it. it is such a suburban drama and makes me sick.

Whoa. You coach baseball, too? I wish I was a lesbian. Damn.

I'm lucky so far. Pretty much have all of the friends from high school and college still in tack. I'm sure that some of those college ones will fade, but so far so good.

I only have ex-friends and accomplices.

charli - trust me, my old friends are lame and just don't go out anymore. they could easily have people watch their kids but they don't want to. i usually invite people out 2 or 3 times and after no's on each occasion I give up and wait for them to invite me.

seems like quite a few of my old friends are religious too...they definitely don't like doing the same stuff as me like walking in the gay pride parade on sunday

I used to be roommates with one of my sister's exes and it finally got to the point where I just couldn't stand living with him anymore (smoking weed 24-7, being an obnoxious prick) so while he was at work one day I just moved all my shit out of the apartment and back into my parents. He didn't take it well.

I was never really friends with any of the people I graduated with and I haven't been to any reunions yet so I don't see them. I still hang out with my best friend who I've known for like 20+ years every once in awhile but he lives in the suburbs and I'm in the city so that's why I don't see him that often.

I have other friends that come and go and it's kind of annoying to be pushed aside for whatever reasons but I figure they're probably just not worth it.

Graffitti on the wall in the men's restroom at Antone's in Austin:

"Bro's before Ho's"

me too. it's my lack of carpentry and automotive skills that are holding me back.

and babe, that's chicks before dicks.

Im not really one to open up nor one that has a very high regard for most people so I dont consider myself having many "friends" - I have a lot of acquaintances and considering them only acquaintances makes it easier as people move in and out of my life.

Some of the stories on here make me say "so what, move on.." others however could really sting (ayah, grape ripple).

Id say I have 4 friends in total: My best friend, Ive known since i was 13- but he lives in Boston now, and Im here in shitville,

Two other friends from grad school - one lives in Baltimore for the time being, and another in southern Illinois, my last friend in New Orleans.. so most of my friendships consist of talking on the phone (which I am not one to do)... but Im content to know I have a handful of simply good people that have played a part in my life- those are hard to find.

Most of my friends have stuck around but getting older changes what we do together. A lot times hanging out with them involves also hanging out with their kids or whatever. I'm fine with that and realize that if I still want them in my life it means making sacrifices like going to their house and drinking diet coke instead of to a bar and drinking beer. I still have friends to go to bars with if I need that.

Haven't really kept up with my NY friends since moving to Atlanta with the exception of one who I've known since I was 4. That's almost too long to know someone.

Steve

damn straight. too bad a lot of chicks don't follow that. what is it with women and sleeping with their "best friend's" ex? ugh.



i totally agree. i felt the same way about that "friend" and it made me question everyone around me. but now that she's out of my life, i realized how better off i am without her in my life. and i've got some great girlfriends now who i also wouldn't trade for anything in the world.