Alright, Erin's breakup with her non-Cusack boyfriend has prompted me to start this thread. Cough it up -- give us your worst date story.

You first.

ok, i'll go. i have a couple.

senior year of high school, homecoming. this guy i don't know very well asks me, and i say yes because i wanted to go and i thought it'd be all right. the week of the dance, he breaks his leg, so he's now on crutches. the night of the dance, he has to work later than he thought, and he can't pick me up, so my brother drives me to the restaurant so i can meet my date there. we get there just in time for the rest of our group to finish eating- no dinner for us. we go to the dance, stand around, get pictures, and because, well, he's on crutches, we don't do much else. we decide to leave, and he asks if i want to go get drunk but i tell him to just take me home. when i was home for thanksgiving, i read in the paper that he got married this summer. good for him.

junior year of college, valentine's day, i go to dinner with my boyfriend at the time- a dorky little alcoholic hipster who never has any money. we go out for sushi, and everything's going swimmingly until the check arrives. my wallet had just been stolen, so i didn't have any money or means to get money, and he had already said he'd be treating, so i thought we were good. except when it comes time to pay, he only has just enough to cover the check, and has to tip our waitress (who we both kind of knew) with the two free movie passes he just happened to have on him. then we went back to his house and drank whiskey until i passed out.

Fine. I've had a few "worst" dates, sad to say.

Date #1: A guy I've been chattin' up online and on the phone asks to meet. We go out to dinner. Guy's into punk music, has been in a band -- we've got lotsa music in common -- have nice convo over dinner. I'm not feeling any sparks, but agree to go for a drive afterward. No big deal. Convo continues and we arrive back at the restaurant parking lot where I've left my car.

Guy is funny, we laugh. Laughing leads to making out. And as we're steaming the car windows, I feel my hand being pushed down to his crotch. I pull back, but he pushes with a bit more force. That's when I learn that he's got his cock out. But this was no ordinary penis. Ever leave a hot dog weenie in the microwave for too long and it gets overcooked? That's exactly what it looked like -- shriveled up, yet looking as if it were attacked by leprosy. Luckily, my hands never touched it! That's pretty much when I reached for the door handle, mumbled something about it being late and jetted outta there in a hurry!

That's right, I ended a date due to lack of a pretty penis.

... but he had such a great personality.



Now you've made me wonder if my penis is "pretty" enough to go out on first dates.

Why don't you start a poll? We'll give you the skinny on pretty penii!

Sounds familiar. A guy took me out for dinner and after a lovely evening the check arrives and he realizes that he forgot his wallet.

So he leaves me sitting at the table with a drink while he drives home to get some cash. Forty-five minutes later, the place is closing, and the staff is obviously betting he's not coming back, and I'm starting to wonder if they really do make you wash dishes if you can't pay your bill.

He finally shows up, pays the bill and surprises me with a cellophane rose from 7-11.

Wanna hear another one? Here goes...

A guy I've been chattin' up for a few months finally finds the courage to ask me out. His car is in the shop and I agree to meet him at his apartment. No problem. We drive to a very nice bar in downtown for drinks. Being that I was driving, I didn't wanna drink too much, yet he kept insisting that I have more. That was my first clue that he was interested in more than my charming personality. He suggests we go back to his place for a nightcap. Ok, fine.

Back at his apartment, he offers me a drink. I pass, ask for a glass of water. He goes into the kitchen to prepare himself a cocktail. I sit on an easy chair. Returns to the living room, gives me my glass of water and leans over to give me a kiss. Nice kiss. Leans again for another and within seconds, his pants are down by his ankles. I mean...SECONDS! How the hell did he do that?! I started to giggle, more out of nervousness than anything. But, that's when I noticed something. The teeny tiny weenie. The dude was at least 225, about 6'2", built like a rock, yet he had the tiniest penis I had ever seen on a guy. Sorry to say that made me giggle even harder. He got pissed and threw me out of his place.

A few days later, he asked to go out again. Natch, I turned him down with some lie about working. He asked again a couple of weeks later, told him that I wasn't interested.

Teeny weenie...still makes me laugh.

I guess he deserved that but don't you girls know about shrinkage?

Poor guys Tania dated

man, tania you are ruthless.

can't say i wouldn't (or haven't) done the same though.

Shrinkage? I hate to think what it looked like when it wasn't erect!! His teeny weenie was already as big as it was ever gonna get. No lie, it was no bigger than my thumb.

Jeebus! you girls really know how to hit us where it counts! Yeah, right in our vulnerabilities.

Women are soooo shallow! judging a guy on the size and looks of his pecker!

All these guys seemed like losers to begin with. Didn't you have a clue beforehand? They must have had some reason to expose their schlong so soon into a date. I don't think sane normal guys would just assume that they are going to get some, and drop shorts in the car or even at a house without some kind of invitation.

I'm just going over the mental gyrations of the guy:
"ok, i'll hand her the glass of water and drop shorts...if she laughs, then out she goes...if she grabs it, then she stays and I'm home free!"

I'm more shocked that these guys just yank it out and hope for the best. You got to at least admire the moxie.

yeah, it's either their moxie or delusions you gotta admire.

Probably the last one with Fraulein Cookie.

So I'm waiting outside a restaraunt as pre-arranged and then a girl I've never even met before comes up to be and says "Are you Darrin?" and I say "Yes" and she says "Well Fraulein Cookie told me to get you". So we got back to the flat and she and all here flatmates are all amazingly drunk.

So I'm stone cold sober and being completely ignored by her and everyone else (including Markus, the worlds gayest man) while they all laugh and giggle and do Monty Python routines in German. All the sofa seats were taken so I had to get a uncomfortable wooden seat from the kitchen and sit by myself while they chatter to one an other in a language I didn't understand. This went on for about two hours and it was unspeakably awful.

Then eventually she wanted to go for cocktails and we actually get out. She's enormously drunk by now and has decided to wear a dress that looks like something Russell Crow might have worn in Gladiator. I dunno where the fuck she got it but the only good thing you could say about it was it was short.

Anyway we go to a pretty posh cocktail bar (which would make me uncomfortable at the best of times) and wait for ages for the one waiter to get round to taking our order. In the meantime Fraulein Cookie is speaking English again but all to well, since she is talking a lot of drunken nonsense very loudly as well as swearing frequently in an embarrasing fashion. I was honestly thought "I wish I could have a major heart attack just to cut this evening short". Anyway just to compound the misery, by the time the waiter got round to our table I had to leave to catch the last train home.

No meal, no drink. Uggh.

Ok, here's mine.

So, this gal I've been chattin' up for a few months finally agrees to go out with me. My car is in the shop and she agrees to meet me at my apartment. No problem. We drive to a very nice bar in downtown for drinks. Along the way, she sounds like she's horny, so when we get to the bar, I encourage her to have a few drinks, to improve my odds, if you know what I mean, and she agreed. That was my first clue that she was interested in more than my charming personality. She suggests we go back to my place for a nightcap. Ok, fine.

Back at my apartment, she asks for another drink. I go into the kitchen to prepare her a cocktail. I come back, and the lights have been turned down low and she's lying on the divan, legs akimbo. Looks like she's ready! I lean over to kiss her. As I get closer, I notice she is naked from the waist down. It's dim in the room, so I don't notice anything unusual. Yet. I kiss her, a nice, lingering kiss, then straighten back up to take my pants off. My milk worm is as stiff as it's ever been, threatening to rip my jeans. I get the jeans off, and lean in to "moisten" her, if you know what I mean. As I get closer, I can't believe what I'm seeing. This woman has the biggest pussy I've ever seen! I mean, it's the Grand Canyon of gashes, and there's no way I'm even gonna hit the sides. My poor cock looks to be about the size of her thumb next to this monster, and I can see there's no way I'm going to be able to please her. I start to giggle, and I kick her out, over her loud protests.

Good lord, Platte.

What? What's the difference between comparing penis and vagina sizes?

C'mon, there's been much worse posted in here, I'm just trying to keep up.

Unless one is gullible enough to buy into this opening premise, there's no need to read any further.

BAAH! I've been laughing at this for the last 10 minutes. I hate it when this happens because my co-workers ask me what I'm laughing at and I have to mumble something about a funny email I got.

well played Platte.

My first reaction was

This pull it out trick would have worked on the first date if the penis weren't ugly?

Then I remembered all penises are ugly.

Cripes, this made me laugh. I want more of these stories.

Not for nothing, that showin' it thing works just fine if you got the right equipment....

oh fuck how i laughed and laughed