Psychotic breaks suck.

So sorry.
Go somewhere safe and rest up.
And feel better.

Story? Causes?

Well start off as a bipolar with psychotic tendencies...

Add in a bunch of family stress, a disbility hearing (tomorrow) that will have a major effect on how the rest of my life looks, facilitating for a support group head that is off the rails, and a therapist that has you digging up 'inner child' shit from the past when you should have been working with stress management.....

Well, as someone else said (I can't remember who): "Bad things are bound to happen"

The upshot of it all is that I'm off of trileptal now. It was the first med to help me, but over time, blunted all of my emotions and creative energy.

The hospital did a rapid medication adjustment over 6 days, and I feel more centered now than I have in a while. There were some Mrs. Ratchets in the staff, but most were good, and most of the other 'inmates' were pretty cool.

My biggest concern is that I'll lose that connection to my creative energy that I'd lost for 10 years. Talked to the doc though, and he understands and doesn't want to snuff it out again.

All in all, it was a trip through hell. But I'm gonna frame it in the terms of Greek myth--sometimes you need to walk through hell to bring back someone you lost.

I can't say it was all bad, but it was a hard way to learn. I lost 25 pounds or so through it all, but I don't recommend it as a weight loss program.

Not sure if all that is TMI, but you asked...

Oh and also....

Paranoid Psychosis + Death Metal = bad combo.

Paranoid Psychosis + Walt Whitman and Van Morrison = not so bad.

what are you trying to do mug? come in here and show up all these other folks with manic depression or minor phobias?

so what did you do that ended up getting you admitted?

Prolly something along his avatar's lines.

Just kidding. I'm with you bro. I've been through the fires myself. Two stays on suicide watch. Fairly stabilized now, though never had any psychosis. I eat my meds and drink my beer and love my Lord. Incongruent? Not so.

holy shit. i hope i'm not responsible for this.

Maybe but if it made you feel better to get it off your chest then fuck it man.

Take care of yourself mug.

dude, you lost weight. now it's time to slay some bitches!

Ditto. Be well. Glad you feel better.

You lost 25 lbs in 6 days? Holy crap!

I'm glad you're being treated and it sounds like those that are treating your issues are sympathetic to your needs and attempting to maintain a way of life for you.

Be well Mugs.

MORPHINE - My Brain
lyrics - Mark Sandman

My whole brain was out of tune (x2)
I don't know how to tune a brain do you
Went into a brain shop
They said they'd have to rebuild the whole head
I said well do what you got to do
When I got my brain back, it didn't work right
Didn't have as many good ideas
Haven't really had a good idea since I got it fixed

Bingo, disco. I hadn't had any good ideas in a long time. I'm alreay afraid they are fading. Not sure what to do about that at the moment though.

Had the disability hearing today, it was rough, but the judge seemed to have a fair sense of empathy. I'll hear a result in 30 days or so. After that, I'll be in a better place to make some decisions about my life. A piece of me thinks I should find some place to live close to nature (Amherst, MA or VT near my cousins), say fuck it all and just go off my meds and see what happens...there was a place where my symbolic and real world were meshing pretty well, but it'd been so long since I've been there that I slingshotted past it.

It ain't a safe thing to do in a town like Toledo though. Crime rates are high, and we're 27mil in the hole, so they're cutting back on police during a recession....crime is gonna go through the roof this year. Areas that were 'safe' not too long ago are turning into slums.

I had my Xbox connected to my music hard drive and set to shuffle for a while. I don't remember which band it was, but the death metal hit the shuffle at a pretty rough time. Had nothing to do with you, Dalen. I'll scour through my library of 18K songs sometime in the future to clean out some of that crap that I'd never choose to listen to by choice.

The weight loss was over a period of 3 weeks, I gained a pound or two at the hospital--it was the most nutrition I'd had in a while.

As far as the 'bitches' are concerned, I'm getting close to a place where I might be capable of adding a relationship to my life. I had very little romance/passion left in me, and I ran into about 4 women on the ward that I could have fallen in love with. I guess that's a good sign--I'm tired of being a 41 year old bachelor--I may not be the 40 year old virgin, but I'm not far from it.

And thanks for all of your good wishes...it does mean a lot.

Mugs, I'm not an expert on this at all, so take it for what it's worth... avoid women you meet in the "ward." Seriously. While I get that they may have insight into what's going on with you, it's probably not an ideal mix for romance. Maybe you were joking, but that's just my .02.

I hope you find your way, sir. Sending good vibes...

I hear you. I'm aware of the emeshment stuff. Its just that I haven't had much interest in romance in a long time. It was nice to see my heart open to the possibility again.

The chicks on the ward were pretty vocal about me having something to offer in a relationship, and considered it a shame that I didn't think so. We were pretty careful not to share personal info--though I'll contact one in a couple of months; she's a house cleaner and will do a move-out dirt cheap, even with a generous tip.

Even the biggest a-holes on the board don't like seeing people struggling with problems like this and would wish you well.

As far as the TMI goes, I'm not one of those people who feels comfortable throwing my personal life out on the internet but if it helps you to do so share whatever level of detail you care to.

Hope things are leveling out now, mugs and further recovery is on the horizon.

Good to hear you're getting it straighten out, Mug.

I used to work on a psych ward, and I found many of the bipolar patients were very creative and ultimately that was a double edged sword. Figuring out the meds is the most difficult part and it really needs to be continually adjusted. That's what I learned from seeing our repeat customers.

Good luck brother and do whatever it takes to keep your mind right even if that means clogging obner with as many threads as you need.

...I worked on "the ward" for three years and saw the repercussions upon readmission.