It's Friday, 3 day weekend approaching, let's have some jokes! Bring 'em on!

a man goes to the doctor and says:

"doctor doctor you've got to help me, i cant stop singing the green green grass of home! whats wrong with me???"

"good heavens, sounds like Tom Jones' syndrome"

"my god!!! is that rare????"

"well....(sings) ITS NOT UNUSUAL....."

Is it a black man's cock?

This guy named Jed was walking down the road one day when he came across his friend, who was carrying a bag.
Jed: "Hey Billy Joe, what you got in that bag?"
Billy Joe: "In this bag here I got me chickens."
Jed: "I sure like chickens. I bet you if I guess how many
chickens you got in that bag you give me one."
Billy Joe: "Jed, if you guess how many chickens I got in this
bag, I'll give you both of them."

Jed: "Uhhh...four?"

what's tired and hung over and feels like a bag of ratfarts?

me.

RETARD - Verb. To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners
are willin' to fat for are rats."

Q. What's the worst part about going down on your grandmother?








A. Bumping your head on the coffin lid as you come back up.

Did you buy a Jeff Foxworthy tape or something?

An Asian man was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asks the
American bank teller, "Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo
yen - today I get hunat eighty?

The bank teller says, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man says, "Fluc you white guys too!"

Not the worst, but close.

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy.

They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Pease advise."

The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

fp

Michael Jackson, Bob Geldof and Ozzy Ozbourne are all on the Titanic when they suddenly hit an iceburg.

"Save the children" shouts Bob
"Fuck the children" shouts Ozzy
"Do we have time?" asks Michael

[Q.] What's the difference between anal sex and a microwave?




[A.] The microwave won't brown your meat.

True story: In college, I had an Asian prof for my statistical forecasting class. Fucktuations and backshit operators were the order of the day.

I can't tell jokes.

Kinda weird. Always been bad at it. Like I forget the structure, delivery and punchlines.

Always been good at weird ad libs and riffing though.


_______
np: Peter Tosh - Fire Fire

how about - what do you feel like after flying for 16 hours with a cold?

shit

Old Joke Alert

"Whenever I'm down in the dumps I get myself a new hat"
"So that's where you get them!"

a farmer walks into his kitchen where his wife is baking a pie with a duck under his arm. he says, 'well, here's the pig i've been fucking.' his wife shakes her head in disgust and says, 'you moron! that's a duck!' The farmer replies, 'i was talking to the duck.'

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the
oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of
the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees
an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something
cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and
sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with
his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the
mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It
looks like you blew a seal."

"No, no," the penguin replies, "It's just ice cream."

HEY! Start a new thread and tell us about your trip, Rodney!

A couple from Texas are on their honeymoon in Great Britain and they are having dinner at a restaurant and decide to order tea. The waiter in a very snooty voice says:

'We have three types of tea, Russian Black which is 80% substance and 20% aroma, Earl Grey which is 80% aroma and 20% substance and finally Oil of Bergamot which is PREFERRED.




The Texan snorts and says "Well, boy we got three kinds a tea in Texas, you know what they are?

FAR T which is 80% aroma and 20% substance

SHI T which is 80% substance and 20% aroma


and CUN T which is preferred.

one day two guys walk into a bar. which is stupid cuz you'd think the second guy would've noticed the first guy fall.

[buh-duh-bum, chiiihh]

Overheard at the customs area at JFK airport:
"Sir, do you have anything to declare?"
"Yeah, the guy behind me is a fuckin' jerk-awf."

A guy and a girl are on their first date, and it isn't going well. They're nervous, not acting like themselves, restaurant is fancier than either one of them are used to, the weather is cold and snowy and they aren't dressed for it, etc.

So on the drive home, to top it all off, he gets a flat. So he gets out and starts changing the tire, but comes back in after a couple minutes, rubbing his hands together, complaining about the cold, but tells her he'll go back out and finish as soon as he warms up a little.

So, in an attempt to save the date, she takes his hands, says, "why don't you let me warm these up?", and places them between her legs.

Being where they are, they warm up rather quickly.

So he goes back out to finish changing the tire, but after like 30 seconds, comes back in complaining about his hands being cold again and starts reaching under her skirt.

"Wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute. Aren't your ears cold, too?"
One of my favourites.