Hey kid, I like your style. That's why I want to make you part of the Broccoli organisation. It's like this. I've got Howard Kazanjian bustin' my ass, I've got TriStar bustin' my ass and it's all over this movie about the Obner. The shoot starts in three months and we haven't even got a freakin' script!*

Here's the score. I need ideas and I need them fast. The big names won't touch this piece of crap so I need an up and comer like to draw up the basic storyline.

So get pitchin' son or the only living your gonna make out of Hollywood is sucking off Tom Cruise behind Mann's Chinese Theatre!**


*How the fuck should I know how movie producers speak?
**Obviously Tom Cruise isn't really gay and it's all just rumour and innuendo

Opening scene:

(local record shop)

customer: Who the fuck is Okervill River? Jesus what a name, how the hell do people hear about this shit?!?!

Across the aisle we see an obner member with another obner member who is in town on a visit who over hears this.

Obner Member to other Obner: fucking amateur.

Obner member: No shit. Let's go get drunk.

I hear dramadies are hot these days, with biting social commentary.

And we can have a musical montage where a bunch of you fight over the only existing copy of the new WRENS CD....and of course the musical background will be 'Montage" from TEAM AMERICA..


The hours approaching, just give it your best
You've got to reach your prime.
That’s when you need to put yourself to the test,
And show us a passage of time,
We're gonna need a montage (montage)
Oh it takes a montage (montage)

Show a lot of things happing at once,
Remind everyone of what’s going on (what’s going on?)
And with every shot you show a little improvement
To show it all would take to long
That’s called a montage (montage)
Oh we want montage (montage)

And anything that we want to go from just a beginner to a pro,
You need a montage (montage)
Even Rocky had a montage (montage)

(Montage…montage)

Anything that we want to go from just a beginner to a pro,
You need a montage (montage)
Oh it takes a montage (montage)

Always fade out in a montage,
If you fade out, it seem like more time
Has passed in a montage,
Montage

Can it be called "O Monger, Where Art Thou?"

And star Benicio Del Toro on 3-foot stilts as The Senator?

I would like to be portrayed by Louie Anderson, because we should all do our part to help the homeless.

I call dibs on the car chase scene.

can i be the resident female drunk?

Can I get a monkey in this thing? Most good movies would be better with a monkey.

Yep, and I'm picturing that hot chick who was in Sideways and is in that new medical whatever show... she'll do nicely.

Your part will be to constantly have a hangover. And refuse to show your cans.

Who's playing whom? Tony Danza's playing me.

I think Edward Norton should play my character.

And please, he needs to drink a lot of wine.

I want to be played by Jennifer Jason Leigh. The one time fun and bad girl turned sort of reserved.

Plus now that I'm a total blonde I think we even look a little alike.

Either her or Kyra Sedgwick.

ew she's not hot. i rather by played by zhang ziyi. now SHE'S hot.

This may be a problem. I have him cast in my own screenplay that I've written about my life in fringe science. Check with his agent on availability. You may be able to get Jeremy Piven once Entourage wraps.

He also may not want to play two drunks in a row if you manage to sign him.

He's booked, but I got Nipsey Russell.

Aw, damn. Then what am I gonna be??

i think it's pretty obvious that brad pitt will be playing elephantstone.

I don't think anyone here would put a limit ont he number of resident female drunks.

Jeremy is in!

perfect match

Unfortunately, Jason Alexander would have to play me. And not that Jason Alexander that plonked Brittney last year for a couple of days, either.

Update: . . . and he'd have a very small roll. There was shrinkage!

Artistic liberties may be taken to enhance my musical knowledge. As for anything else, no bit part please. I am better than that.

guys and gals.

cast me.

Where I come from, we call them "fluffers".

I would like to be played by Vince D'nofrio and my friend Dan (non-obner) would be played by John Goodman - we would sit around and drink shitloads of IPA and talk about really inane shit like reminiscing about old stores and restaurants from our hometown and trying to think of the funniest movie title where you replace a noun with the word "dorf" such as Dorfs in the Mist. Basically, really annoying drunks.