sorry for all these random posts. i'm just a little giddy to finally have some free time. anyhoo, found this in savage's column today. so now i have to worry about my mayonaisse?

Q. I am a modern single mother. I have two boys entering puberty (their father is absent, for good reasons). I have talked to them about masturbation. They understand it is a private thing and when and where it is appropriate to indulge.

My question is, should I purchase lubrication gels and/or masturbation gloves and/or aids for them? I have seen such things in adult stores. In previous columns you have advocated for mothers to make similar purchases for their daughters, but you've never touched on this subject in regard to sons. I know masturbation with a toy is better for me than using my fingers, but does it make a difference for men? And if so, would you advise a mother to purchase lube and aids for her sons? I don't want them to wind up like those men who can't come from gentler forms of stimulation because of the "death grip" they used when masturbating as teenagers. —NEED ADVICE IN VARIOUS EXPERTISES

A. Sure, NAIVE, you go right ahead and buy your sons lubes, gels, lotions, and masturbation gloves (I prefer opera length)—but only if you're the kind of modern single mother who wants to ruin masturbation for her sons. I mean, could there possibly be a bigger buzz kill for the adolescent male than jacking off using supplies your mother picked up for you?

Yes, yes: I advised a mother to buy her daughter a dildo—but only because a young lady needs a dildo of her very own to safely explore penetration. And young ladies, sadly, can't legally obtain one. A young gentleman, on the other hand, doesn't need lubes or gels or gloves to beat off, and when a young man wants to explore penetration, he only needs to make a fist. If you want to help prevent your sons from succumbing to death grip syndrome, I would advise you to initiate one last conversation about masturbation and advise your sons to vary their masturbatory routines. And then I would advise you to drop it.

So what will your sons use to beat off with if you don't come through with the lubes and gels? The same stuff generations of American sons have used: their own skin (if they've got enough to slide back and forth), spit, hair gel, shampoo, mayo, and dozens of other slick substances that are (a) in your house already and (b) a whole hell of a lot cheaper than lube. One 250-milliliter bottle of Maximus, a high-quality lube, retails for $16.00. One 946-milliliter jar of mayonnaise costs just $3.39—so you'll not only be saving yourself a shitload of money if your boys make do with household products, NAIVE, but you'll also save your boys from having to think about you each and every time they beat off. Of course, you'll have to think of them each and every time you reach for the jar of mayo in your fridge, but that's the sort of sacrifice we parents have to make.

ayah will you be my internet mother

masturbation gloves??

It puts the lotion on it's skin.

Opera-length masturbation gloves???





What, are you kidding me?!!

i accept. what the hell--all it means is i'm opening one more can of spaghetti-o's with meatballs for dinner. you'll learn to appreciate my neglect.

Whether that mom buys her kids masturbation aids or not, chances are she's already screwed 'em up big time.

And yes, South Pacific, Mr. Savage was kidding you.

In the words of my 9th grade gym teacher:

"If you gonna jerk off, don't use Crisco. It's shortenin'. Use ProLong."

And I watched this movie this morning. Rounding out a trio of horrible posts.

Does this thread remind anyone of Confederacy of Dunces? (You know..The Glove)

i'd never use anything ending in "poo" including shampoo and...well, poo.

I am the modern man (secret, secret...I've got a secret)
With parts made in Japan...

I love Dan Savage.

Not to question anybody else's technique, but who the hell even needs a lubricant? It's a nice change of pace, but when you're 15 and are prone to rip one off just about anywhere you can sneak 3 minutes of privacy, you learn to do just fine with plain ol' friction.

The very thought of mayosturbation is making me dry heave.

--Hideous Pump

Aw c'mon, you know you want it.

heh. his giddy innocence just turns. me. on.

I fell out of my chair laughing! For God's sake, give a warning before something like that.

Disclaimer: Not a dude, what would I know?

That whole thing about the death-grip induced inability to enjoy sex seems very odd to me. Savage has mentioned it before.

Will vigorous masturbation really ruin a man for penetrative sex he wants to have? Honest? Does this seem nonsensical to anyone else? I've just never felt that rubbing my clit will ruin the sensation of someone licking my clit forever, which seems roughly analogous.

i've been doing a lot of dry spanking for the past 17 years and my sensitivity seems ok

this thread just got awesome

I don't think a death grip could ruin you for real sex (unless you somehow build up a really big callous), but I do think that over-masturbating (whatever that might be) can make you too used to being stimulated in one specific way and you might have trouble climaxing via partnered means.

That's why I change it up--overhand, underhand, dry, wet, in the shower, against a tree, into the glove compartment, during the Coming Attractions, while trying on pants at Sears, into a Fluffernutter...

--Dr. Ruth Lumpheimer

I'm not buying the death grip theory, either. The hand is merely a suitable substitute when a partner is unavailable, e.g. on the Metro, standing in line at Target or waiting for the cash to come out of the ATM. I like rubbing one out as much as the next guy, but there are a number of activities that I prefer.





See, like that. I was thinking of what to type next, the feeling struck and splatto, a sacrifice of potential Congressmen, artists and ditch diggers now dries humbly on the carpet next to my feet.

ditto.

shelley, you fucking rock.

Made this mistake once when I was about 16.

Once.