in a better format, and try to write explanantions that people who don't comment on random drivel with me all day would understand.

I have been mulling the idea of hitting up the local entertainment rag for a column, and since the editrix is coming to my office tomorrow, I figure I may be able to weasel my way A) into paper B) into her drawers C) Hopefully both.

I don't want your opinions on my opinions here, I want your opinions on the writing itself. Is it at least amusing? Will people who don't know/care about Animal Collective/Morrisey/Bloc Party/Sufjan Stevens find this readable, or are we all of in some bizarre netherworld at this point. Thanks for the feedback. <>D

____________________The Paint Chronicles by Dick LooGAR____________________

The Ipod has become a cultural bellweather. Either you have one or you don’t. Either you are with it, or you are not. And any of you thinking “I have a Creative Zen,,” or “My Iriver is better than that iPod,” just put the can of paint down and walk away. Even The President has one, and even his favorite songs are up for scrutiny. (Creedence’s “Fortunate Son” is up there, natch)

But, just as important as having and iPod, is what is on your iPod. And this leads us to the point of today’s ramblings. I am a music nerd. I have way too many cd’s, by way too many artists, many of which I don’t even like. I recently neared the capacity of my 40G iPod, and decided that some of the albums that I own/downloaded/acquired needed to be jettisoned.

Here, forthwith is a list of said albums.

AC Newman The Slow Wonder – I could make and argument that The New Pornographer’s “Mass Romantic” is one of the top 5 albums made this decade. This album proves that sometimes the whole IS greater than the sum of its parts. Synergy I believe they call this.
Allison Krause and Union Station Live – My friend Mike sent this to me. I gave it a listen, and I understand what it is all about, but really, when am I going to play this again?
Animal Collective -- I mean, I just don't need any damn albums that have songs made up of “found sounds,” or with songs like “Who could win a Rabbit?”
Armor for Sleep -- My Brother sent this to me, this is standard mall punk, and if it is indicative of the kinds of bands he is tour managing, it is no wonder the poor sap makes no money.
Ass Ponys – A buddy of mine from Texas sent this to me. They are supposed to be some kind of jaded indie rock social observers, but they sound like The Gourds, when they aren’t covering “Gin and Juice.”
The Beatles -- Let it Be, Naked. I have the first Let it Be, and I for one LIKE crazy ass Phil Spector’s overblown string arrangements, thank you very much…I think Michael Jackon just wanted this out to help defray his legal fees.
The Bees -- Free the Bees -- I listened to this once and liked it...never bothered to put it on again. I don’t know when I will have a need to hear psych-folk from The isle of Wight again, but I can assure you it is no time soon.
The Blind Boys of Alabama -- Higher Ground -- I like this, but really, I never listen to it. I think the production is what makes this not too enjoyable. If it were grittier, this would be the perfect soundtrack for driving highway 84 from Albany, GA to Philadelphia, MS.
Bloc Party EP -- AKA OPEN GARBAGE. This is the kind of band that pops up once or twice a year, everyone hails them as the saviors of rock, 24,000 kids around the country buy the album, and the they dissapear. In 2002 this group was called The Vines.

I am Leaving on approximately 16 Bob Dylan albums I never listen to just because I cannot bring myself to jettison Bob Dylan

Brian Eno -- another green world and before and after science -- SERIOUSLY WHAT ABOUT THIS IS LISTENABLE, LET ALONE GOOD!!??? This guy is known as the “inventor of ambient,” which A) who cares and B) does nothing to alleviate the fact that he looks like Buffalo Bill from “Silence of the Lambs.”
Brian Wilson -- Smile – Two or Three years ago, I thought the release of this album was a wonderful idea. A lost “Teenage Symphony to God” by everyone’s favorite acid-casualty Brian Wilson, sadly, I couldn't even get through it.
Bubba Sparxxx -- Deliverance – I knew this dude in Athens, GA when he used to rap under the name L'il Devil, but the Timberland production is just trying too hard. Warren, what about when me and you and Hern-Dawg used to kick it? Oh you drinking Henny out your pimp cup now, and done forgot us?
Caesars -- 39 Minutes of Bliss – Famous for that Jerk It Out song on the, you guessed it, iPod commercial…made me want to Jerk My Hair Out.
David Byrne -- Feeling and Uh Oh – Remain in Light was, is and shall ahem Remain one of the best Live albums ever made, but I just couldn't really find the time when listening to these seemed like a good idea.
The Decembrists -- Picaresque -- all this ever does is annoy me. It is a “baroque pop” record made by people who wish they were pirates, and I didn’t even like it when Pirate Drunk. The indie kids in places like Omaha like this lots. Guess what, this is Alabama. Go Away.

After getting rid of his older brother’s magnum opus, “Smile,” I am keeping this godforsaken Dennis Wilson album “Pacific Ocean Blue” because it is out of print, and just too mongerous to not have.

Depeche Mode -- Songs of Faith and Devotion and Violator -- I guess this is where I admit that i pretty much hate English music from the 80s
Devendra Banhart -- Rejoicing in the Hands -- I hate smelly hippies
Eminem -- The Slim Shady LP - as much as I like this guy's radio songs, he just doesn't do it for me. STOP SINGING YOUR HOOKS. YOUR VOICE IS WHINEY AND ANNOYING, AND ONLY TOO SHORT CAN GET AWAY WITH RHYMING THE SAME WORD.

I am keeping the Entire Faces Box Set “5 Guys Walk Into a Bar” on this damn thing, for several reason. Rod Stewart’s haircut (and the fact that he has the best ever voice in rock and roll) Ron Wood played in this band, and if you understood what The Rolling Stones really mean to me, you would understand what Ron Wood really means to me, and could rationalize keeping 5 discs by a mid level sixties bar band, AND, just because it makes the chances of something good coming up on random that much better.

Faith No More -- Angel Dust – My friend Chris really wanted me to like this album, and there may have been a time and place that I could have liked this, but the early 90s are over and eating acid in someone's garage was never that fun anyway
Fiona Apple -- When the Pawn – I am one of 9 people in America who saw her illfated acceptance speech at the MTV Music Awards, and thought this “this chick has moxie.” I am not one of the nine people in America who still like her music, though.
Firewater -- Songs we should have written – My good friend Stu, from Nashville gave this to me, back when he liked music. It is good, but I never put it on or anything -- edit - this is getting one more chance, cos I am a sucker for shitty covers, especially of Johnny Cash (more on him later)
The Futureheads --I guess this is where I confess to hating bands that ape 80s english rock. "Angular" my ass.

I am keeping waaaaaay too many Guided By Voices albums, even though I have the greatest hits, because again, they are good on random. Seriously, has Bob Pollard EVER written anything he didn’t deem worthy of releasing? I love a good guitar hook and harmony more than your average straight white man, but JEBUS Bob.

I am keeping Iron and Wine, though I have NO IDEA why..maybe I will need to be lulled to sleep by the cooing of a bearded mountain man sometime in the near future?

I will keep 1000 Johnny Cash albums, though I rarely listen to them, because The Man in Black, along with Bob Dylan, will someday be recognized as a prophet of Biblical Proportions.

Joy Division -- Closer and Unknown Pleasures –Again, with the 80s English Rock. I don’t need to hear "We are only considered good cos that one dude hung himself and weird kids in America will always revere the British" anymore, and I don't envision a day when it will happen. Seriously, DO PEOPLE REALLY LIKE THIS?

Like 5 Kinks albums that aren't Muswell Hillbillies. -- If I need to hear about the Village Green, I will have brunch at my anglophile attorney’s abode in Atlanta. Seriously, The Kinks seem to be a band that people get into when they really want to seem snobby, and The Beatles and The Stones just aren’t “For Queen and Country” enough to prove their point.

Les Savy Fav -- Another in a long line of indie bands I may be supposed to like, but damn if I can listen to it

Lift to Experience -- The Texas Jerusalem Crossroads – I downloaded this because the name intrigued me, but cos mine's from Audiogalaxy and most of the tracks are terribly reproduced I will be tossing this as well. I'd be interested in hearing the real version of this.

Morrissey-- Viva Hate -- I reserve the right to randomly/drunkenly throw out the ‘Bona Drag/Viva Hate” bit from the beginning of Ryan Adams’ album Heartbreaker, but I cannot actually listen to Morrissey. Again, 80s English rock? I never need to hear "I wish I was a dead transvestite" again (I am also pretty sure you can catch The Ghey by listening to this, and have no real desire to prove or disprove this theory)

Pavement -- S&E and CRCR...despite the attempts of the aforementioned Chris, and their massive indie cred in certain circles, this just doesn't appeal to me. I get it, lo-fi = slackerdom. But as I indicated earlier, the early nineties are over, and flannel was never a good idea.

I am keeping 3 solo albums by Robyn Hitchcock, though I have no idea why, but possibly because he covers Dylan’s "Trying to Get to Heaven" on Spooked, and also possibly because there are 7 minutes of enjoyable music on Underwater Moonlight

I have more Ryan Adams albums than is healthy, never really listen to them anymore, but feel compelled to keep them. When this guy is hitting his marks, he is awesome, SOMEBODY needs to carry the torch of drunken lout/rock star, breaking down on stage, kicking people out of shows, and leaving unintelligible messages on rock critics’ voice mails. I think I want to like his music more than it is actually good or enjoyable.

Skip Spence -- Oar -- I d/l/d this from Audiogalaxy, back when me and my boy Benny would try to find the worst/scariest/most acid drenched albums ever. Well, I won, but that doesn't mean this is good.

The Smiths -- Singles – This band bred Morrissey, and thousands of fey children who like to wear all black and kabuki face make up…guess what? It is Unlistenable.

I am keeping the 32,453 Spoon Tracks that Bob from Texas sent me for 2 reasons. 1) Many of them are enjoyable and I like them more when on random 2) I swear when Britt and them are on, they are fucking ON and I want this shit to click again like the first time I put on Girls Can Tell. This band could be the best band in America 43 people listen to.

The Streets – English rap. Seriously, he is usually tagged by lazy writers as “The British Eminem.” That same group of lazy writers has also convinced themselves that he is good. I tried, I really did (which is rare for me) but he makes the same mistakes as Eminem, in that he thinks his novelty can carry him. Also, I have NO IDEA what he is talking about, and I hate Limeys.

Sufjan Stevens. -- 7 Swans -- I will keep the entire Greetings from Michigan album because the first song is unbelievably awesome, but this guy is so slow, boring and stuck on the fact that indie kids can love Jesus, too that I just cannot bear to have more than one of his albums. Just because you play a glockenspiel does not mean you are a musical prodigy. It usually means you are producing your own albums. And High.

I am keeping this Wedding Present album, because my friend Bill Smith from Chicago knows his stuff, and has turned me on to countless bands I never would have known about if I didn’t know him (including Ike Reilly) and I think it may secretly be good, based mainly on my like for the first track (which may or may not be because it contains the word 'daft') even though it is 80s English Rock.

Wire -- Pink Flag – This is an album that people love to claim is “seminal.” What this usually means is, I play in a rock band, and instead of saying someone good, like Bruce Springsteen or The Clash influenced me, I need to throw something out to make me seem smarter and cooler than everyone else.

Wolf Eyes -- Burned Mind – Someone thought plugging a guitar into a Marshall stack, and then playing it with a power drill was a good idea. It wasn’t. I may need to reacquire this whenever I shoot a low budget horror film.

That’s it. The funny thing is, I was pretty conservative on what I got rid of...There is much more stuff on here that no one should own, and that I never listen to, that I just couldn't bear to part with. I have 35 gigs, and maybe 3 of it is stuff I listen to regularly, but I like the IDEA of having every Stones/Cash/Dylan album at my fingertips at all times.

I guess its like my friend Kurtz says, I don't really like music, I like to collect it.


Oh, I want to make this distinction clear. I ERASED these albums. I will never hear them again if at all possible, because listening to them is not enjoyable to me, and because, well, they SUCK.

loog that post is pretty long.

Read it and you just might figure out why.

My opinion on your opinions? Extremely amusing and enough bile and grossly opinionated statements to keep general (non-board) readers interested and inflamed.

i'd read it and chuckle.

then i'd wonder why the fuck you shredded bloc party you bastard!!!!!

I don't



Apparently I'm not.




I have a Mickey Rivers baseball card, does that count?



Yeah, but can he still spin vinyl?

Oh, right on. I'll give'er a good read tonight.

Thanks pal, I knew I could on you!

Nice Mullet.

I liked the out-takes version of the article, btw. This one's too polished. Don't lose the invective.

Yeah, but I also needed explanations beyond "This Gar" you know?

I think there is plenty of invective in there....more in fact than the original

If I was Chuck Klosterman, I'd be calling my attorney; but I'm not--I'm Yail Bloor and I found it fairly entertaining.

And I will be contacting Uncle Brian, not because I feel like talking to a lawyer; though I may need to protect my intellectual property on some of these things.

I think if you're going to try and print this, you should trim down the number of entries substantially and flesh them out. People who don't know a lot of these artists will be totally lost as is, so maybe slip some more description into your derision of the ones you keep, and cut the ones you didn't have much interesting (in your own opinion) to say about.

And correct your grammatical errors.

Short answer is yes.

Medium answer is you put a lot more effort into it than the common passer-by/grazer would ever care about. Hell, I don't care about 90% of those artists, and I know a little more than the average grazer.

i stopped reading when you started trashing another green world. HERESY!!!

I like it but many people wouldn't have the attention span to get throught it. Haq is right, if you stream-line it, cut the fat so to speak, you can flesh out some of the artists you really loathe. Attack the sacred cows of indie music. But, if you go down that road there are others who have done it and done it well. Dr. David Thorpe on Somethingawful.com has hilarious articles. I can see you doing it man, there is some good shit in there.

cheers.

I concur!

I found it especially funny that you have your own sacred cows. O the duality that is human nature...

"Fiona Apple -- When the Pawn – I am one of 9 people in America who saw her illfated acceptance speech at the MTV Music Awards, and thought this “this chick has moxie.” I am not one of the nine people in America who still like her music, though."

This pulled a good chuckle out of me.

I kind of already thought what Haq mentioned is what it needed, so thanks for clarifying.

I may give the editrix the whole thing and say that I am working on a shortened version...just to give them an idea of what kind of monster they are working with.

And Yail, I hear ya, but when I read that guy, I often think I need to call MY lawyer, if you catch my drift.

I liked it, but Remain in Light isn't a live album.

What is it then?

Are you all talking about Stop Making Sense?

THANK YOU!! I AM STOOPID.

It is one of my favourite live albums, right up there with Live at Leeds.

Yeah, I think I was reaching for the Remain/Remain pun too much to actually think of whatthe album was called. Like Cap'n and The Band/Last Waltz thing, this album prevents me from listening to studio Heads.