"If you're going to do botox, don't forget about the skin on your neck. You've seen these people on TV? The skin on their face is so tight it looks like they've pulled a condom over a pumpkin. But their neck's got more wrinkles than a basset hound's balls dipped in ice water. You've spent a thousand dollars on your face...why don't you spend another twenty on a turtle neck? You've got the forehead of a 10 year old girl and the neck of a snapping turtle."

- Nick DiPaolo

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

- Steven Wright

One of my favourite ever lines...

"Once I posed naked for a magazine. It was so humiliating. Last time I went to that shop!"

Emo Philips

"Eugene is a very natural people. You see, his way of saying 'thank you' is to get drunk and not go to work."

-eugene mirman

I am so gonna throw some Demetri Martin in here later.

My cousin is gay; I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

-Rodney Dangerfield

My apartment has a koala infestation; cutest infestation ever. And when I turn the lights on, and they scatter, I can only say, "Don't go. I want to cuddle."

- Mitch Hedburg

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

-Rodney Dangerfield

"I sort of felt sorry for the damn flies. They never hurt anybody. Even though they were supposed to carry diseases I never heard of anybody saying they caught something from a fly. My cousin gave two guys the clap and nobody ever whacked her with a paper."

- lenny bruce

"If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?" - Stephen Wright

I'm a lonely man. Been single for 3 years. Right now I'm playing the field....I call it "playing the field," you might call it "picking up prostitutes."

Jim Norton

Rodney Dangerfield:

People ask me if I was scared the first time I had sex. OF COURSE I was scared -- I was alone!

"I remember my first beer."--Steve Martin

"And you thought I was going to be lousy."--Henny Youngman after a violin intro.

"You don't vant carpeeeeet, vhat you vant, is an area rug!"--Taylor Negron

When they put teeth in your mouth they spoiled a perfectly good bum.

- Billy Connolly (to heckler)


I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.

- Steven Wright

I asked my father for a dollar for the school picnic, he told me how he killed a grizzly bear with his loose-leaf notebook.

- Bill Cosby

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

[quote="Billzebub"]"I remember my first beer."--Steve Martin

You forgot to mention he said this after being heckled.

fp

"My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said , 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so yeah.'"

Mitch Hedberg

Thank you, Lumpy!

"I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' "Dude, these are isotopes." "Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine." "Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize."

Also,

"I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs."

ah, now I get it.

"Geraldo got married for the fifth time, to a twentyeight year old woman. I have something to say to the parents bride: You're not losing a daughter...think of it as gaining a loser."

-Craig Kilborn

"A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fucking cross? It's like going up to Jackie Onassis wearing a rifle pendant."

-Bill Hicks

First time ever I've spit food on my keyboard.

fp

Sorry dude, but CK is a no talent HACK. Loved him on SC, but since then...YELCH.

How dare you sir.

"What was the problem with just smoking a joint, eating a couple of Twinkies, and going to sleep? Was that a problem? They say marijuana leads to other drugs. No it doesn't, it leads to fucking carpentry. That's the problem, folks. People getting high going, "Wow man, this box would make an excellent bong! *snort* This guy's head would make an excellent bong! *snort*" Relax! That's why I stopped doing drugs in the first place. Not because I didn't like 'em, but because I didn't want to build anything, ok?"

-Dennis Leary

Any wildlife expert will tell you that, when confronted with a potentially dangerous animal, you must remain calm and not make any sudden movements. That's why I always say: "The Hell with Wildlife Experts."

-Dave Barry