more paraphrased rodney -

'i was an ugly baby. when i was born, the doctor slapped my mother'

'my dog's favorite bone is the one in my arm'

'i asked a cab driver where can i get some action. he took me to my house'

'only reason i get any girls at all is because of who i am... a rapist'

'doc, every day i wake up and look in the mirror i want to throw up, what's wrong with me? he said i don't konw but your eyesight is perfect.'

That's not that funny written, but he has a great, stoner delivery.