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Catching up on these. Your patience is appreciated.
Week 1
elephantstoners 87.23
Knights Who Say Ni 59.37
In yet another rematch between these Colorado (or-used-to-be) rivals, coach j wins decidely, bringing painful flashbacks to last year's League 1 playoff game. "I can't believe it," sighed coach Sketch. "Am I ever going to beat this guy again?!?" While a playoff matchup would be only possible answer to that question as the expanded league gives everybody only one shot during the regular season. One thought that the moves of Shaun Alexander (Rush: 14 - 73 - 0) and Edgerrin James (Rush: 88 - 0, Rec: 3 - 26 - 0) would favor the Knights. However, James' performance plus the inclusion of Warrick Dunn (Rush: 117 - 0, Rec: 1 - 0 - 0) gave the stoners a superior ground game. Also jarring for coach Sketch was the season-ending injury to star receiver Javon Walker (Rec: 4 - 27 - 0). With the free agency pool being already thin, he'll have quite a challenge competing for the rest of the season. Coach j was his usual, class self after the game "Look guys, Sketch is a great coach. A lot of coaches thought he drafted really well, and we expect him to hold his own in spite of this setback... it sure sucks to be him, though."
The Sunlandic Twins 73.87
El Nacho de Muerte 93.50
Coach cman's introduction into the league was indeed a harsh one as Brian Westbrook (Rush: 47 - 0, Rec: 7 - 64 - 1) led El Nacho de Muerte to an easy win. Coach nacho's receiving corps gave a solid showing as well thanks to Chad Johnson (Rush: 11 - 0, Rec: 9 - 91 - 0) and Brandon Lloyd (Rec: 3 - 65 - 1). Meanwhile, the biggest player in Sunlandia wasn't Duante Culpepper (Pass: 233 - 0 TD / 3 INT, Rush: 12 - 0) nor Curtis Martin (Rush: 57 - 0, Rec: 3 - 20 - 0) but the Indianapolis defense (7 pts allowed, 3 sacks, 3 INT, 1 Fum Rec, 1 TD). Coach cman stressed fundamentals "We're not going to win like this. The defense can't play out of their skulls every week. Where's Curtis? Where's Daunte? Where's Rod (Smith)... no, Rod was alright this week, I guess." Coach nacho's comment after the game was appropriate if not poignant, "yeah, munch on THIS, E6!"
The Grape Rush 55.27
Rex and the Jedi 82.07
Coach Spade left the Abbey and their Unbaited Vicars in the off-season and appears to be quite comfortable in his new coaching and spiritual home. "Star Wars... now THAT's a religion I can get my head around." The change seems to have paid off greatly as his team cruises to victory behind Marc Bulger (34 - 56 - 362 - 2 TD / 1 INT, Rush: 8 - 0), Priest Holmes (Rush: 85 - 1, Rec: 1 - 5 - 0), and the Buffalo defense. (7 pts allowed, 5 sacks, 3 INT, 2 Fum Rec). Looks like some changes are needed for rookie coach Ripple as he started an injured Duce Staley along with an 0-for-Sunday Andre Davis. He also has a the issue of only being able to start either Randy McMichael (Rec: 6 - 55 - 1) or Todd Heap (Rec: 4 - 38 - 0) every week. "Even if I did have everything sorted out, Spade would have beat me.", Ripple conceded. "I'll figure this out. This league setup is fucking weird, though."
Sack of Worms 82.73
timmyjoe42er's 77.17
Coach jagged moves up (or is it down?) the evolutionary scale from athropod thoraxes to whole worms... or maybe those half-a-worms that are still squirming when you put them on the baiting hooks. Timmy certainly did his fair share of baiting before the game, grabbing his crotch and yelling "SACK!" in a breathy yet still intimdating voice. In the end, though, the Worms were victorious thanks to Rudi Johnson(Rush: 126 - 1, Rec: 2 - 12 - 0), Kerry Collins (Pass: 265 - 3 TD / 1 INT, Rush: 2 - 0), and the Detroit defense (3 pts allowed, 4 sacks, 2 INT, 1 Fum Rec). Coach jagged's explanation was a simple one: "Dude, I played timmy. I sold the receivers to back off a little bit, so it would look close." Meanwhile, as the favorite, timmy let his players coast a bit this week, and most of them performed a bit under expectation with the exception of Antwaan Randle-El (Rush: 6 - 0, Rec: 2 - 89 - 1). Unfortunately, all that did was compensate for Michael Bennett's (Rush: -1 - 0, Rec: 3 - 21 - 0) disappointing outing. We'll see what happens next week.
Lick my Lovepump 51.60
Gilead Gunslingers 64.67
Coach robotboy, in his brilliance, has re-named his team to give him an even greater resemblance to General Jack D. Ripper. "Football is too imporant to be left to general managers," pontifcated the coach as he toked on his freshly-lit cigar. Unfortunately, all the philosophy in the world couldn't save his team from defeat as Terrell Owens (Rec: 7 - 112 - 0) and the Bears defense (9 pts allowed, 3 sacks, 1 INT, 2 Fum Rec) were the only players to score double digits. To be fair, coach backspace's debut wasn't much better, but Clinton Portis' 121 rushing yards was enough to make a difference here. "Hey man, let me tell you something," he remarked shortly after the game, "I'm in this baby to win. I don't care how ugly it has to get, we're going to win. God, I hope we don't suck this bad next week, though."
Bolsheviks in Space 67.00
Repeat Offenders 105.40
Coach Huskerpunk was hoping to begin his title defense in style, and newcomer coach Lambchop certainly gave him that opporunity. Led by Corey Dillon (Rush: 62 - 2, Rec: 2 - 30 - 0) and solid passing and special teams play, the Offenders easily dominated visiting Russians. Perhaps that high-altitude training in Siberia didn't help much, though Byron Leftwich (Pass: 252 - 2 TD / 0 INT, Rush: 9 - 0) and Marvin Harrison (Rec: 6 - 69 - 1) seems to have benefitted from the change in scenery. "Yeah, it's a pretty tough adjustment," commented coach Lambchop "but the other guys are getting up to speed. I'm hoping Marcel (Shipp) will make a lot of progess. We need a running game pretty badly." After hearing the analysis, coach Huskerpunk encouraged the young coach by agreeing with the assessment: "Yeah, he does."
Schadenfreude 89.70
Max's Silver Hammers 68.27
Coach Shameful Joy is back into his sadistic ways as he easily handles his former League 1 rival. A lot of German-Americans made it to northern MI to watch as Steve Smith (Rec: 8 - 138 - 1) began to make up for last season's injury. Julius Jones (Rush: 93 - 1, Rec: 3 -18 ) also made a healthy contributed for Schadenfreude. While the local areas may have enjoyed the increased tourism, it certainly didn't help coach Max's homefield advantage. "What the crap is going on here? Even Oktoberfest isn't this packed." Perhaps he should focus his attention on Amani Toomer's pointless performance. Marty Booker (Rec: 5 - 104 - 1) did his best to pick up the slack, but it wasn't enough. Tiki Barber (Rush: 62 - 1, Rec: 2 - 60 - 0) performed to expectations, so there may be a foundation here for Max to work with. We'll see what happens next week.
The Mendoza Line 59.80
Execute Plan 9 114.50
GM/Coach/General Billz has come a long way in the off-season. Both he and new running back Ricky Williams seem to have taken to rehab quite nicely. However, it was another Williams (Carnell, Rush: 148 - 1) that gave the backfield highlights today. With Keenan McCardell (Rec: 9 - 123 - 2) and Deion Branch (Rec: 7 - 99 - 1) supporting the team in the air, Plan 9 seems to be well-planned and well executed. It all seemed to be a bit much for coach jericho, who had no clue what hit him. Brett Favre (Pass: 201 - 0 TD / 2 INT, Rush: -1 - 0) barely even showed up, and only the Giants defense (13 pts allowed, 3 sackes, 2 INT, 2 TD) kept this game from being even more of an embarrassment. Despite his transformation, Coach Billz gave the press a sense that some bits of his previous lifestyle may never leave him: "This game was pretty far out, man."
Greased-up Deaf Guys 101.60
3.2% Evil 81.47
There's a strong belief that having the first draft pick is an unfair advantage. Unfortunately, coach Marco didn't get the memo as top pick LaDanian Tomlinson (Rush: 72 - 1) underperformed this week. Shut-outs by Peter Warrick and Mike Nugent didn't help matters much either. To be fair, rookie coach Paper lucked out big time with his receiving corps. Does he honestly expect these performances from Randy Moss (Rec: 5 - 130 - 1), Torry Holt (10 - 125 - 0), and Jimmy Smith (7 - 130 - 2) every week? "Probably not," admitted the Deaf Guys' leader. "Jimmy's not exactly a spring, chicken, and our kicking game seemse to be a bit out of sorts. We have to make some tweaks, and I'm just glad we got off to this start. Marco's got a lot of talent on his teams, and we were fortunate to beat him." Coach Marco could only grumble at the comments as the walked his way back to his office to spend some quality time alone with his playbook.
Rocket Sauce 112.47
Andyfest 114.27
Coach Andy wins the season's annual Dyslexic Bowl by a mere 1.8 points, and this one was a doozy. Coach bitterbuffalo seems to have caught stride this year with dynamic performances from Keyshawn Johnson (Rec: 5 - 65 - 2) and Deuce McAllister (Rush: 64 - 2, Rec: 2 - 5 - 0). It was a pretty solid team effort and would have won most games. This isn't most games. Andyfest was ready and brought everything they had. Larry Fitzgerald (Rec: 13 - 155 - 1) and newcomer Willie Parker (Rush: 161 - 1, Rec: 1 - 48 ) made the biggest impact. Though victorious, the rookie coach refuses to rest, "I'm glad we started well, but we can't expect Larry or Willie to play like this every week. There has to be more of an overall team effort. I can't risk losing just because a star is on a bye week. We'll have to figure some things out."
Week 1 All-Stars
QB: Kerry Collins
RB: Willie Parker, Larry Johnson
WR: Keenan McCardell, Jimmy Smith, Larry Fitzgerald, Steve Smith
K: Ryan Lindell
D: New York Giants
Week 2
El Nacho de Muerte 102.33
Knights Who Say Ni 90.07
Coach Sketch is having a tough time catching a break so far this season. During the first week, Javon Walker is hurt for the year. Only the second week, the running backs carry the team to a respectable outcome beating about half of the league only to lose to coach nacho. Though Shaun Alexander (Rush: 144 - 1, Rec: 2 - 11) and Stephen Davis (Rush: 77 - 3) had stellar games for the Knights, the rest of the team was a bit lacking. "Where was everybody else? I saw them pull into the parking lot. I saw them in the locker room. I thought I saw them on the field, but now I'm not quite sure," remarked coach Sketch. That little bit of teamwork did show up on the other side as most of the starts for El Nacho had a decent game. Nacho highlights included star performances by Chad Johnson (Rec: 7 - 139 - 1) and Brian Westbrook (Rush: 89 - 0, Rec: 3 - 31 - 1). At 2-0, this are looking good for coach Nacho and company.
Rocket Sauce 78.53
elephantstoners 115.03
Well, it looked like coach's bitterbuffalo's got a little complacent after their honorable defeat last week. Apart from Lamont Jordan (Rush: 59 - 1, 6 - 32) and Anquan Boldin (Rec: 8 - 119), the Sauce turned out to be pretty mild. Particularly disappointing was Joey Harrington (Pass: 196 - 1 TD / 5 INT, Rush: -6, 0) doing slightly less than zero. "Alright, you slack-heads, I'm gonna go Zig Ziegler on your asses this week in practice," prophecized a motivational coach bitterbuffalo. Meanwhile, coach j was literally perfect. Nobody on his bench outscored his starters, and only two of those starters scored in single digits. Derrick Mason (Rec: 8 - 60 - 1) and Edgerrin James (Rush: 128 - 0, Rec: 4 - 39) continue to shine for the stoners, and Carson Palmer (Pass: 337 - 3 TD / 1 INT, Rush: 3 - 0) is starting to turn some heads. "Yeah, I really like where we're at right now. 2-0 is a great start, and everyone seems to be working hard. Let's hope we can keep it going. Buffalo's had a tough start, and I know how hard it is to motivate millionaires. That being said, it sure sucks to be him."
The Sunlandic Twins 69.27
Rex and the Jedi 78.90
Yet another 1-0 team beating an 0-1 team. Whatever happened to parity?!?!?!? Although neither team performed especially well, coach Spade leaves with the victory thanks to Terry Glenn (Rec: 6 - 157 - 1) and Priest Holmes (Rush: 75 - 1, Rec: 3 - 15). Nobody else scored in double digits for Rex and company. "Yeah, these guys are losing focus way too quickly," noted coach Spade. "Every time I go back to fundamentals: blocking, tackling, the Force... they just either tune out or blow me off. That's not going to get things done." What also won't get things done is having your starts tank it like Sunlandic Twins Daunte Culpepper (Pass: 236 - 0 TD / 5 INT, Rush: 10 - 1) and Curtis Martin (Rush: 72 - 0, ReC: 2 - 6). While some of the receiving corps tried to keep this game close, they couldn't do it on our own. Coach cman hopes that new blood in the form of tight end Steve Heiden will ignite his team: "Yeah, I know he's a Brown and everything, but I've got to do something!"
The Grape Rush 96.00
timmyjoe42er's 39.47
Mark it, folks: we may have the worst fantasy performance in CMJ/Obner history. Timmyjoe must have taken jagged's trash-talk to heart last week as his team folded this week. How bad was it? Michael Bennett (Rush: 36 - 0, Rec: 1 - -1 - 0, 2 fumbles) scored zero points. Reche Caldwell caught nothing. Peyton Manning (Pass: 122 - 0 TD / 1 INT) was not Peyton Manning. The only double-digit scoring was by Cincinatti's defense (8 pts allowed, 2 sacks, 5 INT, 2 Fum Rec), and they were on the bench. It made it an easy first win the Grape Rush as Donovan McNabb (Pass: 349 - 5 TD / 0 INT) and Santana Moss (Rec: 5 - 159 - 2) won the game by themselves. Everybody else was just icing on the cake. "Wow! I wish it was like this every week!" stated a overly giddy coach Ripple. Let's hope his trip back to reality isn't too harsh.
Sack of Worms 70.27
Gilead Gunslingers 95.23
Coach jagged's victory lap was fun while it lasted, but coach backspace came into week 2 proving a point: he's here to win. Fortunately, the Gunslingers didn't have to play too dirty as TJ Houshmandzadeh (Rush: 24 - 1, Rec: 5 - 55 - 1), Donald Driver (Rec: 6 - 105 - 1), and Dominick Davis (Rush: 59 - 0, Rec: 4 - 33 - 1) led the way. Backspace was so excited about the victory that he spent most of his time after the game coming up with a nickname for his new favorite player. "I have to credit the performance of Mr. Houashmanzaaa... yeah, Housey did a good job today. I expect Teej to contribute a lot over the course of the season." Meanwhile coach jagged was struggling with most areas of his game. Braylon Edwards (Rec: 3 - 107 - 1) and Jerramy Stevens (Rec: 3 - 49 - 1) had decent games, but the rest of his receiving corps didn't even show up. The loss leaves the Sack at 1-1 and right in the middle of the standing. A humbled coach jagged seemed optimistic if not idealistic: "Yeah, we had a bad game, but there's lots of football left. Besides, I get to play Timmy again this year, right? Right?"
Lick my Lovepump 115.70
Repeat Offenders 66.50
Resident bully coach huskerpunk got was been comin' to him for a long time. "They were said to be the toughest of the tough: the champions!!!! Didn't seem that big of a deal to me. Of course, they've probably been contimated with flouride, which disrupted their precious bodily fluids." Theories of health and performance aside, no one can deny the performances of Terrell Owens (5 - 143 - 2), Roy Williams (5 - 96 - 1), or the Bears defense (6 pts allowed, 2 sacks, 5 INT, 2 TD). Meanwhile, it is a tough time in Arkansas. The Repeat Offernder did very little this week apart from Darrell Jackson (Rec: 8 - 131 - 0). Starting Tatum Bell did not help their case at all, and history has proven coach Huskerpunk to be better than this. Who knows what is in store for the Offenders next week?
Bolsheviks in Space 94.70
Max's Silver Hammers 46.53
Coach Lambchop has finally reach orbit with his first victory, a thrashing of the hapless Silver Hammers. Joe Horn (Rec: 9 - 143 - 1) led a fairly solid team performance for the Bolsheviks. "Whew! It feels good to get the first win out of the way," sighed Lambchop. "It certainly takes the pressure off. Suffice it to say, coach Max must be feeling an enormous amount of pressure right now. Apart from Tiki Barber (Rush: 83 - 1, Rec: 1 - 6 - 1), nobody on this team seems to be performing up to standards. The result is a dreadful spot at the bottom of the standing. "Yeah, I don't know what's going on with us right now. We have take a really good look at what's going on here. Last year showed I can do better than this. I can at least score 2 more points to rank above Timmy, ferchrissakes."
Schadenfreude 61.57
Execute Plan 9 129.80
It's business as usual for the revamped Billz organization. When the Germans came to town, the homeboys unleashed their own brand of happiness-at-the-misfortune-of-others. Hines Wards (Rec: 6 - 84 - 2) and Leon Smith (Rec: 9 - 119 - 1) led an attack where only two starters scored in single digits. The excellence thus far has brought them to the top of the shop at 2-0 with an impressive lead in the total points standing. "Hey, this sobriety shit's pretty right on!" claimed Coach Billz. Coach Joy, however, may be pretty right off with his team this week. QB Matt Hasselbeck (Pass: 281 - 2 TD / 0 INT, Rush: 9 - 0) and workhorse Julius Jones (Rush: 81 - 0, Rec: 4 - 24) provided the only somewhat bright spots. Joey Galloway didn't even touch the football. The head coach didn't have much to say at the press conference except to mutter "nicht gut" over and over again.
The Mendoza Line 92.00
3.2% Evil 73.87
The frist-draft woes continue for coach Marco. While LaDanian Tomlinson (Rush: 52 - 2) and Mushin Muhammad (Rec: 6 - 81 - 1) are heating up a bit, the rest of 3.2% Evil aren't at that level. It doesn't help that the solid game from Ben Roethlisberger (Pass: 254 - 2 TD / 0 INT) wound up on the bench due to injury uncertainty. "Yeah, we're still getting a lot of kinks out," acknowledged coach Marco. "We haven't had much a pre-season, so hopefully we're showing up one-by-one... though I'd like everybody to show up now!" Coach jericho, meanwhile, had few attendance issues as Brett Favre (Pass: 342 - 3 TD / 2 INT, Rush: 19 - 0) was back in form and the Giants defense (10 pts allowed, 4 Sacks, 3 INT, 3 Fum Rec) is made a name for itself once again. "Yeah, my running game is kind of sucking right now, though. There's a lot of potential here. We just need to figure out how to fulfill it. Playing teams in more of a mess than we are always helps."
Greased-up Deaf Guys 79.40
Andyfest 81.50
Note this: coach Andy thrives on close games. While not as spectacular as last week's performance, the Andyfest does what's necessary to get the win. Once again, Willie Parker (Rush: 111 - 1) is a crucial difference in the game. "Yeah, everybody else wasn't that great, but we'll take it. No complaints here," spurted coach Andy as he ran to the celebration in the locker room. The Deaf Guys didn't have much to show today outside his star receivers Randy Moss (ReC: 5 - 127 - 1) and Torry Holt (Rec: 4 - 70 - 1). Every other starter was in single digits. "I knew our awesomeness couldn't last," grunted coach paper. "and besides we should have won that game. If we did, we'd have a lock on... fifth place. Hey, it's better than seventh." Good teams always strive to be better. Great teams accomplish those goals more often than not. We'll see how the Deaf Guys stack up for the rest of the season.
Week 2 All-Stars
QB: Donovan McNabb
RB: Thomas Jones, Stephen David
WR/TE: Santana Moss, Terrell Owens, Steve Heiden, Hines Ward
K: Shayne Graham
D: Chicago
Season All-Stars
QB: Donovan McNabb
RB: Willie Parker, Tiki Barber
WR: Terrell Owens, Randy Moss, Santana Moss, Larry Fitzgerald
K: Shayne Graham
D: Chicago
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