He is. String. Bean.

Then make sure you at least eat a little each day. I'm not huge and I dropped about 5-7# during the first month. If nothing else make sure you eat huge lunch! you probably won't eat breakfast or dinner since you will be thinking about it. but lunch is, hopefully, in a place where you will be busy and not thinking as much about it. so EAT.

Yikes, and condolences.

Shit, Colin. I'm about sick and damn tired of the worst shit happening to the best people around here (thinking of the great Bloor Truckjacking incident, etc). It sounds like you're meeting her a hell of a lot more than half-way. In that light, some words of wisdom from Dr Judy Brown:

"The person in control of a relationship is the person who cares the least about it."

Keep your head up, and at the end of the day, make sure you're still taking care of yourself first... don't quit school, and eat a fuckin sandwich already. Chin up, man.

What about the Inaugural Squirrrgggling?



Also true.

Colin,

I just saw this. I'm so soo soo sorry that this has happened. Sadly I've been there, but in your wife's position(except change out school for a job), several years ago. And from that experience I can say give her a little space right now even though it hurts like a bitch to do so. Because if you do try to figure it out right now or try to push her it may only make her retreat even further(trust me on this).

Keep in mind this, she still loves you. No one falls out of love that quickly with a spouse. But she's hurting too, and probably needs some time to figure things out herself. Have contact with her, ask her if what she needs right now is some time to think and should you give her some space, maybe a few days, and then could the two of you meet and talk about things. See how that works.

You're going to run the gamut of emotions right now, that's normal. Cry, scream, eat a gallon of ice cream with pizza for breakfast, drink a bottle of whiskey. Right now it's ok. This is one of those times in life where it's ok to be a bit self-pitying and indulgent.

And don't let anyone make you feel bad for coming here and talking, we've all been around this board long enough(well most of us/CMJ) to come to rely on each other as a sounding board.

I wish you the best hon, and if you need anything there's a little button called PM on here.

I know its natural to think this way, but don't. Remember it takes two people to make a marriage work and it sounds like you are the one right now willing to try to save things. You can't beat yourself up with "What If"'s and "If only..." scenarios. You're obviously a smart guy and have had a lot of success in your life, so to have something so important go wrong its natural to think that you could have done something different to make it work. That might not be the case, you may never know the answer and you're only going to torture yourself if you over analyze things.

Just let her know how you feel and that you want to work on things, then the ball's in her court. Don't be so tough on yourself. Try to treat yourself right. And don't worry about venting or leaning on us...there's lots of us here who've been through divorces. We feel for you.

apparently this shit affects your sleep patterns, too.

sorry about this chuckd. i know it'd really hurt to hear this from my wife. :\

i think i'm bringing her a whole bunch of flowers today. (we haven't been connecting well lately.)

My wife and I haven't been connecting well lately either. I always try to do nice things for her, but they are things I am supposed to do, like help with the kids. I know she wants things just from me that are just for her, but I am so bad at getting my act together and treating her like she is special. I need to get a computer program to remind me to do things...

Chuck_D, are you guys still staying together while this is getting sorted out? Either way it would be rough to not see her every day, or to have to see her. I can't decide which would be best to help the situation get resolved happily.

Design it and I'd buy it. I just do what I'm suppose to do too.

Chuck, just now getting around to reading this. I'm so sorry this has happened, and my heart goes to you. Please know that I'm sending positive vibes your way.

I can't really offer much more in the way of advice, but I did go through something similar before I married my husband. I did all the things you're doing-- not eating, not sleeping, not feeling anything besides my own broken heart. Nine years is a long time to be with someone, and I just hope after you guys get a little bit of breathing room, she'll be ready to talk with you. I wish you the best, Chuck. And like everyone else has said, don't give up the school. If it is meant to be, it will be.

btw, I've found that if the thought strikes you, then follow your instinct. I've often caught myself thinking, "Wow, that would be really cool of me to do for my husband," and then I don't do it. Strike while it's hot, and you can't lose. So I guess if that means if you're sitting at your desk and you're thinking, "Wow, I bet my girl would love some flowers" then get on the horn and order some flowers-- just because.

She has slept at our friends' house since Friday night. She packed up a lot of her clothes & toiletries on Saturday. I mean A LOT. She even took our printer/copier/scanner last night so she could scan some documents for class - even though I told her that I would be out of the house all day today. She took groceries - I helped pack them and put them in her car for her. I have talked to her, being as supportive as I can with her, but she can't talk yet. That is something that will need to change if this is going to work at all. It is hard not seeing her, but better not to have her in the house, I think. Last night I slept horribly - no sleep aids, and I have moved to the downstairs sofa b/c I can't bear sleeping alone in our bed. The cat was playing floor hockey with hair ties all night, so slept from midnight to 3, watched adult swim and cursed the cat - and then slept from 5 to 7. I think the cat is on to us, and is responding the way she does to every disturbance - bitchiness!

The soonest I can see a counselor is Thursday, so I set up an appointment for then, and passed the information on to Laura - left her a voice mail message about the delay.

I wish that we could just get a score every month - like from a software program or something - on the relationship, you know, if it actually worked. Then you could be like "A 3?!? Honey, we got a 3! Can you believe that? A 2 on sex, a 5 on thoughtfulness, and a 4 on communication! . . . Holy shit! Hey, but we got an 8 on finances, that's doing well, at least." That would be cool.

. . . so I guess that I am not going to see her again until she makes a move. I will make contact with her again, but I don't know when I should next! I'll keep dropping her emails, for the time being.

you've got to give her a little space, yet let her know you still care

Purty much what I said.

And timmy, regarding what you wrote about your self earlier: Take it easy hon, you guys have a lot on your plate right now what with having another baby, she's gotta be exhausted and hormonal(I sure as hell would be) so just keep doing what you're doing and try to give her as much as you can. And if you're feeling down, let her know, she may be SO tired and wrapped up in baby stuff she may not have noticed. Just let her know gently.

The problem is that her favorite thing is when I come home from work early. That's tough to pull off on any regular basis, especially when she asks me every day to come home early. Having me around to help with the kids is such a relief for her. (but yea, I need to be ordering some flowers.)

thanks for the encouragement Jen!

everytime my dad stops by the grocery store he brings home flowers for my mom, and whenever they are walking, he is holding her hand.

we don't ask for much, guys, it's the little things that get us the most.

some girls, yeah. Not all of them.

I think the problem most guys have is that they don't get credit for the things that they DO take care of.

Regardless, Colin, what do your folks and her folks have to say about the matter?

Sorry to hear about this Colin.
As a former jiltee myself (by a fiancé) I can empathize.
And I can also let you know that I rebounded right into the arms of the woman who is currently my wife and the mother of my children.

There is hope.

My folks don't know yet, because I don't want to tell them. My parents didn't really want me to marry a heathen on one end, and don't believe in divorce on the other end, so I'm having a hard time being optimistic enough to talk with them without getting an "I told you so," right now. Hell, my dad didn't even want me dating her because she comes from a "broken home" (i.e. her parents got divorced when she was 7, & that's plenty of time for her to be fixed, no?). My dad doesn't realize that our family is way more fucked up than hers, just has a thick sheen of Christian laid on top of that turd to give it polish. It's not as bad as I'm making it out to be, but I always feel like I have to be SUPER COMPETENT to make up for the fact that I don't go to church every Sunday, because i am so deeply morally flawed, & all

I also don't want my folks to take sides with me, as that is bullshit - sides don't need to be taken here.

Her folks are fucking amazing, and have basically said that no matter what happens, they claim me as their own and will keep track of me. laura hasn't been talking with them about this, either. I need to talk with her mom soon, too, but I don't remember what kind of hours she works.

I know where you're coming from. My family isn't very religious but my ex was never really popular with them. They were nice to her when we were married but as soon as things started going sour, they were openly against her. Its hard enough going through marital problems without having to defend your spouse to your family. In my case, they were right, but before you're ready to deal with it yourself hearing others knock her doesn't help anything. You probably can't wait too long to break it to them but I'd wait a bit until you have a clearer idea of where things are going.

I thought about you a lot this weekend. Made me realize that I may have came for the music discussions, but I stayed because I like and care about many you folks including you.

thanks billy.

3 hours in the doctors office and no good drugs. no drugs. what the fuck is medicine for?

fuckers.