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***from an email i just received***
Let’s face it, people don’t really like liberals. We don’t look like them, we don’t talk like them, we don’t live like them. We need a makeover.
Here’s a few of my suggestions:
1) Get a real fucking job. Nobody wants to hear you talk about how the Bush Administration has fucked up our foreign policy if your job is to stock soy milk at Whole Foods. I don’t care if you have a Masters Degree in International Relations, get a job with some responsibility and people will listen to you. Might help if you wore something other than a “free mumia” t-shirt. Might I suggest a shirt WITH A COLLAR!!! Oh, and get the fucking beads out of your hair. Please?
2) Make some fucking money. You’re arguments might make carry some weight if you had some fucking cash flow to back them up. People listen to a guy driving a late-model Audi more than they listen to a guy in a 1989 Subaru Wagon. It’s a “live by example” sort of thing, we’re conditioned to trust the guy who looks like he’s got the cash flow, and distrust the guy who looks like a Mennonite farmer.
3) Ditch the vegan diet and put some meat on dem bones!! Look, I’m not asking you to turn yourself into a lard-assed Mississippian, but could you at least look like you could throw a punch? Could you at least look a little tough? Red-staters don’t vote for us because so many of us look like one of the Olsen twins after a two week stomach bug. It’s called “biscuits and gravy” , learn it, live it, love it..
4) Learn how a gun works. They know how, shouldn’t we? Learn to shoot, learn to love the mechanics of the Colt 45 1911A1. Nothing throws off a red-stater than a liberal hippy that shoots better than they do. It also reminds the red-staters that we are definitely capable of putting a cap in their ass.
5) Live in a real city. Berkley is not a real city, nor is Boulder, nor is Aspen, nor is LaJolla, nor is Burlington, nor is Carbondale, nor is Los Alamos. If your city’s primary employer is “the university” or “the institute” or “the lab” or “the resort” you probably don’t live in a real city. If the guy who rotates your tires has an advanced degree in Applied Mathematics, you probably don’t live in a real city. If your City Council wrote an ordinance opposing “the patriot act”, you probably don’t live in a real city. If you city’s primary employer is wal-mart, then you probably live in a real city.
6) Gussie up them liberal women!! Liberal women are the prettiest in the county. They’re thin, fit and healthy, they look fabulous without makeup. They have beautiful smiles. Yet they wear potato sacks for clothes and grow dreadlocks and smell of that patchouli crap. Shave your legs (and pits, puh-lease), put on something nice and show those red-staters our dirty little secret: Liberal Women are Hot.
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