Today I went to the wake of one of my old students from when I taught in the suburbs. He was only 21, died of brain cancer, and his dad had died when he was in high school, so only his mom is left, and she's a real sweet person.

And while dealing with all that was fucked up and difficult, what was harder was seeing my students. For those of you who remember, i got canned a few years ago by the new principal (who got canned shortly after canning me) 15 minutes after the bell rang for christmas break. I wasn't given a reason other than "we're not legally obligated to give you a reason, so we're not giving you a reason". So i didn't have a chance to say goodbye, or anything like that.

I loved that job so much, and those kids, and the guys I taught with in the department.

I'm not a teacher anymore. I haven't taught shit in years. Yeah, part of it is that I have the most apathetic students in the world. But I think part of it is that I never recovered from losing that job. You would have liked me back then, i was the coolest teacher ever. Now I'm just a shmuck who muddles through days, plays in has been band (a jam band at that! and I hate jam bands), and has no marketable skills.

wait, this thread has taken a turn I didn't want it to, but whatever.

I'm thankful I'm alive, I'm sorry my kid died so young, i miss my other kids too, and I miss teaching and having some kind of impact. I'm glad that I get to play shows around the country and over seas occasionally, that i got to be on an album and that there are cool guests on it regardless of what may come of it.

I gotta get out of this job and into something else. If i can't have a job teaching like I used to have, I'd rather not pretend to teach anymore.

At least you've got a nice watch.

This is true.

I'd trade it for my old job though.

I'm sorry to hear that. On the bright side, at least you could spend a few moments with yourself and your memories of him at the wake.

A similar thing happened to a friend of mine in high school. His father died abruptly due to brain cancer, and I think in my sophomore year of college, I learned my friend had some sort of degradation of the brain and died shortly later. So sad when someone is so young.

Phil, I was meaning to talk to you elsewhere, but I'll just put it right here

You looked like you were having absolutely zero fun with LS on stage last week. I mean zero. It's almost like you were working the line or something. I think you need to take a hard look at that situation and re-evaluate it. Not necessarily even because I think it's not a good situation, but because I can see YOU don't think it's a good situation.

You're putting how much time every week into this...for what? You have too much energy and bring too much to the table to squander it 50 hours a week doing something you don't totally believe in.

You are a truly gifted and compassionate human being. When I first met you, you were extremely happy and you were the first person on the CMJ board I ever looked up to. You seem to have lost a step in the past couple of years because you've tried to force a square peg into a round hole. Re-evaluate, man. And do what you love.

The wake was awesome, so many people had fantastic memories, there was a lot of laughter.

He was the kind of kid everyone from every clique adored, without being part of any of them.

Tough day Phil.

Just think about the good feelings you had teaching those kids and use that as motivation to move on, wherever that may take you.

Best of luck, mang.

You're dead right. about everything...

You coming to the show tomorrow night? I'm buying the first round.

I quit drinking in august as part of the diet. I'll drink in moderation after I lose another 20-30 lbs.

first round....of cokes.

I quit pop too. It's black coffee and water, the zero calorie non-treats.

mmmm....delicious water....

all right, you can buy the first round of water.

Tell you what, you can drink some whiskey and guinness for me. after tonight, i need it.

Much love, Phil.

Phil,

Sending positive vibes your way. BTW, what's the status with that job in Austin? I sounds like you been in a little bit of a funk lately. Maybe a move to Austin is just what you need to get re-focused and go after your dreams. Plus Austin is one hell of a city for a musician, and alot more affordable than L.A. I am going through a similar situation myself. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat more.

"Dig it"
Mike

Black coffee rules. Hang in there.

No austin... not yet. L.A. first


I woke up really confused this morning, I had one of those dreams where after you wake up it was hard to separate the dream from reality, and I swore I was hanging out with my student (yeah, the one who's now dead) but I knew he was sick and dying although he looked like I remembered him, and I felt bad that I couldn't make it to his funeral today and then I thought, wow, how wierd of them to have a wake and a funeral when he's not dead. Then I put it all together and remembered that I saw the corpse at the wake, but that wasn't him, it didn't look anything like him at all, and maybe that's what threw me.

I do love it, always have. I'm having some now, and i'm hanging in there. Thanks.

I'm sorry you're going through all this shit, Phil.
For the record, I agree with every damn word that Matt said. And I wish that we could hang out more.

If you're feeling mopey and like you want to mope around for a while, don't let anyone tell you to snap out of it. Even though they just care about you and want to see you happy... bask in your misery if it feels good to feel bad for a while. You'll come out of it that much happier and revitalized.

And now I'm starting to get yappy and preachy, so I'll just say what I should have: Stay cool. And, Dig It.

Keep your head up Phil, at least you still have music.

My bass doesnt get nearly enough love from me......

Sorry to hear about your student, dude.

Thanks mang.

I just called my principal to see if i could get funeral leave, so i could you know, go to the funeral today. She said no, you only get it for relatives. Which i understand...

still, i feel like i ought to be there, even if it's just for me.

I'm not going to be worth shit today, that's for sure.

I echo what all the nice folks here have said. The tone of this thread seems to really match what I've been feeling these days. But I don't know what to say other than that I get the impression that you're really great, Phil. Do whatcha gotta do.

thanks ish, yeah, the folks here are an amazing bunch.

i just got off the phone with one of my kids from there, he promised to say to the deceased's mom and anyone else for me. He's good for it too.

So how have you been feeling?