I got this heart rending e-mail this morning. Unfortunately I cannot help him for reasons I explained in my reply (included below) but I figured some of you Americans will be rich enough to have a telephone number and an address.

Dear

My name is Mr. Sam Benson , I am 22 years old single . I lost my parents and my only brother of 19 years to the war in my country. I am lucky that I was taken to this country Cote d'Ivoire by some good sameritans who have families here in Ivory coast. I am staying in a missionary camp for people displaced by the crisis in my country and those from this country's crisis. I would like to appeal to you confidentialy to assist me concerning my late father's deposit in a (security firm) Financial Institution here in Abidjan of ($8 million USD) I want to move out of here because the crisis that started here for years now is still on, and there is no sign that it will be well with the country. Also the condition in this camp is not condusive for me that had life very easy before.

Can I trust you to help me retrieve the treasure from the (security firm) Financial Institution as my (foriegn partner) foreign business associate and also provide a place for me to stay in your country?

Can I also trust you to safe keep this fund and also help me invest this fund in a profitable business in your country when this money get to you?

If you are willing to help me please indicate in your next mail. I will discuss with you some details, Let me know also from you what will you deduct from the total money after you help me clear the treasure from the (security firm) Financial Institution.

Do please furnish me with the information below for easy processing of the transfer;

Your contact Telephone number..........
Contact address..............

Awaiting your urgent response.

God bless you.

Mr. Sam Benson.

Konstantin Replies

Hi Sam,

I am very sorry to hear you are an orphan. I, to, am an orphan after my entire family was killed in a mattress factory explosion. They were pressing the springs into the mattresses when a spring 'badoinged' and caused a chain reaction of spring badoingment. It was like a cluster bomb going off. Every year in this country, many thousands are killed in matress factory explosions. The Government knows about it and does nothing. When you complain to officials they just play music really loudly and stick their fingers in their ears and shout "WE CANNOT HEAR YOU, PLEASE LEAVE!"

I read your e-mail but I was confused. I do not know anything about finance. Once I worked in a bank but I was too stupid to train so they fired me. Now I scrap a living working as a shepherd in the mountains. I tend my goats and hit them with a stick if they give me any shit. Unfortunately goat hearding means I am very poor. No wants to eat goats anymore and the police rounded up and shot all the Satanists in my area. As a result, I am so poor I have to make my own clothes from oak leaves and Snickers wrappers.

The police are very cruel here. Once the Queen passed by my house and I stuck my tongue out at her as a joke. I thought she would laugh but she didn't and the police grabbed me and threated to feed me to Her Royal Majesties crocodile which was a gift from Nelson Mandela. She keeps it on a leash and takes it for walks. Then they cut off my tongue so I cannot speak anymore and can only communicate with my goats with the aid of a special whistle.

I am so sorry I cannot help as I live on the snowy mountain tops and have no phone or address. I am also too stupid to do anything complicated liked walking into a bank. If you manage to access your money please keep me in mind if you are in the market for goats. Their pelts are long and shaggy.

Please say a prayer for me, my Christian brother.

Darrin Frew

I am so poor I have to make my own clothes from oak leaves and Snickers wrappers.



Comedic gold, Darrin. But you know you're only going to encourage him with this. Soon he'll be e-mailing you back and swapping goat hardship stories.

Outstanding.

Badoinged is the best verb I have ever read...

I searched badoinged on the web but sadly, "No results found for badoinged."

I will try and use it in sentences as much as possible from this day forward.

well done, darrin... thanks for making me laugh this morning!

I can give you some history on Badoinged. Once my class went on a school trip and my friend bought one of those rubber balls on a elastic string with a finger ring on it. When the teacher wasn't looking he hit her on the back of the head with the rubber ball. Of course by the time the teacher turned round the ball was safely hidden in his hand. We continued to do this to the poor teacher (Mrs Ainsworth) for the entire day.

We had no idea what these toys were actually called so we called them Badoingas after the sound the elastic made when you snapped it back.

That right there is a black magic jinx, paper.

Quality reply. Take to the stage Darrin.

Once again, Darrin does nice work!

also outstanding.

darrin = best pen pal ever

Much fun. I receive these as well, but have never taken the time to reply in such as you did. Nice. I think I might print this out and put this on the bulletin board at work.