Made that rookie mistake of going to the beach yesterday. After a year, you kind of get naive, and in your haste to get some sun / swimming in, you totally block out all that disgusting shit that comes with public beaches. It all comes rushing back rather quickly in a rapid succession of annoyances:

1) Parking. I am not paying to park inside the gates at a piece of nature that they have put a fence around. So I have to drive around the side roads until I find a spot.

2) I walk through the parking lot and set foot on a sandy path through the dunes. BAM. My nostrils are assaulted with that horrible smell - kind of like an ashtray that is filled with coppertone. And hot garbage.

3) I arrive on the other side of the dunes, to the beach proper. I only have two words to describe this particularly offensive assault on the eyes, ears and nose: Beach People. They really let it all hang out. Why should I feel self-conscious about my physique around these people? Who the fuck knows, but I somehow manage to. We have a restaurant chain here in the Maritimes called Ponderosa. It's an all-you-can-eat buffet. It's the type of place you may wind up once or twice in your adult life with, like, your grandparents or in-laws or something. I have always found it very surreal, the people in there. I used to joke that you don't really see those types of people outside of the all-you-can-eat buffet atmosphere; I was sure they ceased to exist outside the confines of the steam tables and tray-lines. Not anymore. These people are on the beach.

4) The water. If you are lucky, it's just cold to the point of being painful. If you are unlucky, it's the source of the warm garbage smell.

5) Clean up. Walking back to the car, I smell like Coppertone, sand, ashes, warm garbage, salt, and dead seagulls. And I only came in physical contact with two things on that list. I'm not really still that wet, but I am wet enough to make a waterstain on the car seat. So I have to stop somewhere and change, and try and towel off the fucking sand with a towel that LOOKS sand free, but apparently has some kind of sand cloaking device, and will actually just leave MORE sand on my body.


The beach can really suck.

This gives me an idea for a cologne.

Bravo!

Just remember, if those people weren't on the beach the ice caps would be long gone.

I NEVER go to the beach to just sit around and hang out. I LOVE the beach for the water and the waves. On the rare occurrence where there are good waves in Va. Beach I will spend sometimes 6 hours in the water surfing. However, the moment that I get out, I am ready to leave. I don't get the enjoyment of sitting in the blazing hot sun with no escape for hours on end. It's not relaxing to me, it's uncomfortable.

The smell? Well, that's gonna be there no matter what. The ocean stinks. Seaweed, dead fish, etc. The added smell from sunblock and rotten food in trash cans is the least of my worries.

I will never argue that the amount of people in the summertime at the beach is enough to keep me from ever going there, let alone on the weekend of the 4th. I don't come within 30 miles of a coastline this time of year. I don't understand it, but I would never organize a vacation for this weekend. It just makes no sense. EVERYONE is out this weekend. Plus, when you live near any type of tourist attraction it sucks. People not only go on vacation, but their brains take a break too. Making U-Turns in the MIDDLE OF THE ROAD. Stopping and starting because they don't know where they're going. General rudeness in terms of lines and all that stuff.

But, I never have much of a complaint in terms of ocean temp this time of year. It's like lower to mid 70's which is perfect.

Ocean = Largest Toilet in the World

Beach = Largest Ash tray/trash can in the World

I've never swam in the ocean, I'm stuck with man-made lakes and reservoirs around here. The best beaches around here are ran by the Corps of Engineers near all the Dams on the Missouri River.
The only thing that bothers me about them is the extraordinarily white trash and hispanic people who seem to be bathing in the water. I also don't like the people who allow their dogs to swim, when they aren't allowed on the beach. I was going to go to a State Recreation Area to swim on sunday, but the weather was a little menacing.
Our massive apartment complex has the largest private pool in Lincoln, so I just use that now.

Dude. At least you have a beach.

What, you don't go swimming in Lake Ontario?

come to the beaches up here man. sure the waters cold but they are clean and its too cold for people to get half naked.

Why in the world would ANYONE go to the beach on a holiday weekend? And, sorry, Modem, but you did not plan your beach trip accordingly. Always keep spare towels (big ones) in your car for the ride home -- wrap it around you and change in the parking lot. God knows, I've seen plenty o' naked surfers changing clothes in SoCal sans towel. Girls can put a coverup or throw on shorts. But, what you REALLY wanna use the spare towels for is to lay on the car seat so that you don't get it all wet.

I love the beach and wish I could go more often. I prefer it in the late afternoon or early morning.

lol. I'd like to see you call Lewis Black on some of his shit.

Who is Lewis Black?

I haven't been to the beach in ages and this is pretty much why, though another reason is I just don't see the point of hanging out at the beach.

Black's Beach in San Diego...nudist beach.

I remember that beach…not that I've ever been there of course.

Yeahhhhhhhh...suuuuuuuure.

Wreck Beach, one of the most awesome beaches in the world:



Clothing optional, facing southwest, within city limits, & with people walking around openly selling EVERYTHING - ice cold margaritas, beer, bellinis, pot, acid, mushrooms, and homemade desserts.

(Although, yeh, over the years the place has really turned into a big ashtray.)

Damn, that beach looks packed! But...the other...erm...options sound attractive.

One nice thing about living on Lake Superior - the beaches are usually deserted.

45 degree water will do that.

Dennis Leary said it best in The Job:

"Why do you think man came crawling outta the ocean a million years ago? Because it sucks, that's why. It's full of sharks, fish piss, and all kinda squishy stuff."

I still dig the FL panhandle section of the Gulf of Mexico. It's getting overcrowded, but certain sections still have white sand and pristine water (just don't go when the seaweed has taken over).
I also like Folly Beach, SC (outside of Charleston).

I guess if you're anywhere near a huge US city, a public beach will invariably suck.

I don't live near the beach so everytime I'm actually there it's when I'm staying at a hotel or condo with a pool. I avoid all of your problems because when I come in from the beach I use the outdoor shower thing at the pool and then take a dip to get all the salt, smell, etc off.


Pretty sure I've never driven to the beach with no base but my car in my life.

I may be spoiled but y'all are going to the wrong beaches.