Buddy Seigal is better known as Buddy Blue (solo artist and one of the original Beat Farmers).

FOR OC WEEKLY'S SEX ISSUE:

By Buddy Seigal

Through nearly a half-century of intensive, first-hand study and
application, I've come to consider myself an authority on the art of
repulsing fellow human beings with my body, and of all the parts from which
to glean junior hi-jinks gratification, the scrotum is unquestionably both
the most useful and versatile. While it doesn't lend itself to snot-cannon
competition like the venerable meat whistle; cannot clear a room as swiftly
and comprehensively when exhibited and/or employed as the coughing purple
starfish; doesn't present prospects for hours of rewarding excavation as do
the nosary-snouffers and can't produce a functionally practical substance
such as otic polish or optic glue, the chicken-skinned sheathing of man's
crotch-potatoes nonetheless provides an inexhaustible wealth of mirth and
merriment for all who come to appreciate its winsome wonders.

While space limitations preclude a comprehensive discussion of the yocks
and chortles potentially yielded by the variety of scrotal stunts a
professional sac-manipulator such as myself has learned to terrorize the
citizenry with,* consider the following a primer for gonadal greenhorns. Be
patient, work hard and your body too, can be transformed into a veritable
temple of disgust!

*Jim Rose, call me. I'm ready to go to work.

1.) BUBBLEGUM ON THE BARBERSHOP FLOOR
This one's a cinch, even for beginners: simply unzip the fly, dive in and
pull out a length of man-taffy. Stretch the bolus as far as possible
(really, its marvelously lithe) and display to horrified onlookers. The
title of this trick, along with your lovely pink coloration and wealth of
southern whiskers, will put witnesses off Bazooka-chewing for weeks,
guaranteed.

2.) THE PRESSED FRUITBOWL
Another relatively easy one, but this can present logistical difficulties
for fat guys such as myself, for whom torsal bloat can impede 100% success.
Anyway, get a friend to drive you around a heavily-populated quarter, then
simply drop trou and squash the silly putty against a window. Voila!
Spectators will never look at citrus produce quite the same ever again.

3.) THE COIN PURSE
Potentially painful but ultimately well-worth the discomfort, this one is
for intermediately-skilled plum-pranksters. Unzip thyself and hang the full
quivering jello district from your pants. Zip back up as tightly as
possible until the parcel is throbbing and pulsating like a baby's brain
(this works to best effect in cold climates). Strut the streets
nonchalantly, and be sure to have a co-conspirator on hand to videotape the
stunned reactions of innocent bystanders.

4.) FRUMUNDA CHEESE
A classic! Aggressively scrape the 'taint with your fingernail and squeeze
the collected personal residue from under the nail onto your fingertip;
spread about liberally, activating aromatic oils. Walk up behind an
unsuspecting Republican and place "tainted" finger directly beneath their
nose. When they turn around and scream "What the fuck?!?!" emit a
triumphant yell of "Frumunda Cheese!" and launch into gales of satisfied
guffaws as the prey launches their lunch into orbit.

5.) THE VIRTUAL VAGINA
Long a fave among amateur high school athletes and professional trannies
the world over, this can also be learned by any patient male willing to
endure hours of intensive practice and resultant regional tenderness. Get
naked and tuck your entire package -- Mr. Johnson and all -- between the
thighs; close the legs as tightly as possible; parade about while effecting
exaggerated drag queen mannerisms. Richard Simmons taught me this one back
in 1978, and my wife still hates his guts for it.

* DISCLAIMERS:
1.) Don't try any of these tricks in Red States or you may be subject by
law to being dragged from the back of pick-up trucks.
2.) If you're a Negro, the title of stunts one, two and three must be
changed to "Grape Gum On The Barbershop Floor," "Kiwi Harvest Time" and
"Coconut Grove," respectively.
3.) When applied in the presence of homosexuals, reactions to stunts may
vary from mere annoyance or boredom to actual pleasure; however, when
practiced in the presence of lesbians, beware of incoming boots, fists and
knives.

NEXT TIME:
"Eggs Over Easy," "Rutabaga-Flossing," "Peach Souffle," "Poodle In My
Pants" and "Play-Doh Surprise."

Awesome.

dude, you owe me a keyboard and monitor...it has soda all over it!

3.) THE COIN PURSE <---------funniest fucking thing all day!

I had a friend in college that use to do something similiar at parties (yes, with women watching). We'd call it stupid penis tricks, but it always had 'scrotumial' activity. Grotesque yet hilarious.

You know what? Never mind.