Broke up with a girl three nights ago. We were in an unhealthy relationship and it was really hard on both of us. She really means alot to me. She was my first girlfriend and I lost my virginity to her. It's probably best that we don't hang out and talk for quite a while. I really want to see her and I wish she could comfort me, but we both know that it's dangerous to do that. As far as us liking each other and wanting to be with each other, there's no problem. The problem is, nietherof us are mentally heathly and we can't be the people that we want to be for each other. Is it bad for me to hope that we can both get better and someday when we're healthier, we might be able to try again? Is it possible for us to hang out and be friends if she might very well end up hurting me again? My counselor says I shouldn't worry myself about this stuff and that I should concentrate on taking care of myself. I just miss her so much.

Also, can I get any music recommendations that might help me see this through?
Been listening to alot of Elliott Smith, Cat Power, Beach Boys, Beatles, and Cold War Kids.

bummer. personally i wouldn't try to be friends with her. it might be hard now but a long period of fucked up grey area not quite friends bullshit is harder.
there's a lot of excellent soul songs about this sort of thing, "learning to forget you" by king floyd and "i can't stand the rain" by ann peebles are a couple good ones.
hang in there, stay fucked up on your drug of choice, there will be others.

Bright Eyes - Fevers and Mirrors. Not necessarily for the mentally unstable though.

Ding.

Trying to be friends is noble, and trying it too soon will cause problems especially when you believe "trying again" is even a remote possibility. Give yourself as much time as you need.

Ah yes, replace the dependence on the girl with a dependence on a narcotic, always a great decision especially for people with already realized unstable mental health. Best advice of 2006. Nothing says "cope" more than a little self-medication with an illegal drug.

I would also suggest you get a more self-affirming BB nickname.

Been there. Sucks bad.
The "love of my life" had kicked me to the curb only a few months before I met the woman that later became my wife and the mother of our children. 13 years later (and 9 years of marriage) we're still together and still happy.

No worries. something (or someone) better will come along. Things like this work out for the best.

Now, as to the music...

If you want to wallow, may I suggest:
Flying Burrito Brothers - Gilded Palace Of Sin
or
Big Star - 3rd/Sister Lovers
anything by Magnetic Fields

If you want to feel better:
The Apples In Stereo - Tone Soul Evolution
or
The Format - Dog Problems

This is a very disturbing post. Sorry, but I think you have bigger issues to deal with than an ex-girlfriend. Try dealing with those first before you start dating again, otherwise, this may become an ugly cycle.

yes yes, a thousand times yes. be "you" rather than part of "you and her"

Yes, a history of abuse.

The last few days have been me realizing a bunch of things. I'm dependent, possesive, have incredibly low self esteem (obviously), and I'm obsessive.

Both of our live are intertwined with each other, and I will be encountering her in public the next few days. Unfortunately, I'll be encountering her with "the other guy." Before I broke up with her, she finally spoke clearly to me about how she has been going "back and forth" between "the other guy" and I. We both admit that I didn't deserve this, and that I deserved better. She just can't seem to help herself. Like I said, niether of us are mentally healthy. She still has alot of emotional baggage from previous relationships, stuff that I tried to help her out with. Unfortunately, it took its toll on me.

I would like to avoid her if possible, but it will be impossible.

Try harder. Anything's possible.

If you have Cold Roses by Ryan Adams, that'd hit the spot. Mellow but not mopey.

WHAT!?!?

Dude, seriously avoid this bitch like the fucking plague. Unstable or not she knows right and wrong I'm betting.

Listen to Squirrgle. I don't buy that you can't avoid her.

Get a buddy, go the Bottleneck for some shows, go to Free State and get some beers, go to a Jayhawks game.



I agree with mutty also. You should change your BB name to BIG DICK McGEE or something.

Don't get sad, get angry.

Never underestimate the restorative powers of self righteous anger.

well, hello.

get a therapist and figure your shit out. you can't be in a healthy relationship until you're healthy.

as for running into her or not being able to avoid her, get a new crowd. then, when you see her, you won't even notice her. you'll be too busy having fun and not being in an abusive relationship.

and yes, a new user name is mandatory.

That's just the thing...

There's a bunch of shows coming up that I'd like to go to. The Hold Steady, Joanna Newsome, and The Faint are all going to be here the next week of so. I know for The Hold Steady and Joanna, they will likely be going together. I really want to go to these shows. Yes, I don't have to go, but I'd really like to.



If I ever get angry, I ususally just get angry at myself. I tend to put blame on myself.

well, this is cheering me up...

I don't know much about these venues but do they only hold eight people, or what? Take a friend who knows your situation and go to the show. Get lost in the crowd and enjoy the music.

You get the ankles, and I'll get the wrists.

It comes down to this.

Or if you can't go and not stand there looking around for her instead of absorbing music and watching the musicians, don't go - find something else to do. This'll sound like blasphemy on this board, but it "just" music - life will go on if you don't go to these shows. My guess is you're going to go there and do the crane-neck thing looking around for this chick and the guy she cheated on you with.

She's no friend, she's no good. Why bother looking around for people who aren't friends? You're only looking for pain.

a tiny lawnmower to mow me down...

She was the first chick you banged...did you expect to marry her?

You really outta get out and test the waters at your age. She did you a favor.

just don't form an emo band.

Mr. Derris said it a lot more bluntly than I would have, but you deserve better. The only way that you will find something better is to remove her from your life. Meetings and interactions will delay you getting over her., and will cause you to lose out more on the rest of your life.

If my girl ever cheated on me, you'd better call the PO-lice because I'd...

Consider also, that if you wind up seeing her around at places where you had any notion at all that she might be, it's because you wanted to run into her. Not because of luck, or chance, or any other stupid excuse. Because you wanted to. You're capable of avoiding her and getting better, I suspect. You just have to want to.