Of all the items on my list, this is the only one that's a joke, and it's not even an original one at that. I stole it from an old "Viewer Mail" segment back when Letterman was still on NBC. Someone asked Dave what he needed to do to be considered a man. Letterman's checklist had stuff like "Write a poem," "plant a tree," and "buy fudge at Stuckey's."

When it comes to punchlines, any sort of reference to Stuckey's is always gold, Jerry, gold.

After remembering it to be a heartfelt and moving piece of American family cinema as a young teen, I went back and watched it again a couple of years ago and was shocked to find what an absolute horrible piece of shit it really is. I mean, that movie has absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever. As I get older, I'm finding that to be the case with Spielberg flicks, more often than not. Bro is massively overrated. Not that everything he's done sucks, but a lot of it really does.

Yeah, I remember that joke. It's also good as a gay-nal sex euphemism.

I guess technically I've never staged a coup either, though I did lead a worker walkout at a seaside motel I worked at one summer. The owner used to be an IBM executive and his wife was like the wife from The People Under The Stairs. So that was coup-ish, kinda.

I will never:
•Take my life for granted.

That's really all there is to say, I guess.

Gay-nal sex? Is that any relation to the Banal Rapist?

What the hell do people have against Ford?


I've had one for 4.5 years now and I haven't had to do anything to it but change the oil and rotate the tires.

I had an anaphylatic fit on Christmas Day after eating three pieces of pumpkin pie and a bowl of ice cream. Didn't tell my wife about it, but my daughter figured out what happened after I "took a nap" for two hours and she came to check on me.

So, my 11 year old daughter pretty much told her dad he needs to stop eating things he's allergic to or old dad isn't going to live a very long time.

She's right. Before I knew I had sugar allergies I used to cope with episodes by binging on things with sugar because the sugar high would get me past the miserable parts until bedtime. Then I could sleep it off, wake up feeling awful and start the cycle all over again.

But that's not much different from an alcoholic's way of coping.

I can't take my life for granted and live in damaging ways if I've got kids who notice.

I'll never...

Get a tattoo or piercing (needles scare the hell out of me; I once passed out anticipating getting a shot)

Unfortunately, the other two things that came to mind are depressing: I don't think I'll ever actually find happiness or success -- and by that I'm not thinking some crazy delusions-of-grandeur situation, but simply not hating the motions I have to go through every day -- and goddammit, I want to have gay sex (and a relationship would be nice) but that's certainly not happening any time soon.

I will never...

- Breed
- Vote Republican
- Go on the Atkins diet
- Desire expensive jewelry
- Make Rodney another mustard, celery, and walnut pie

This thread had Dusty Chalk in it.

I agree with Crack. The people who say they'll never vote a certain way are being short sighted.

My dad voted Republican for 50 years and changed to a Democrat this last election.

Not only will you be a different person in 20-30 years but, like crack said, the party's ideals change.


50's-60's Goldwater Conservatives are now viewed as pretty liberal.

You get the point I'm trying to make here.

People change.

Yes.

There's sig-worthy, and there's SIG-WORTHY.

Exactly... & OPA! wants to know if dude's a top.

Or, is Cosmic Bus a lady into the occasional clam-dig? 'Cause that way, OPA! couldn't care less, he just wouldn't have any of it.

Haha, no, I'm a guy.

Well, get on it, then, man. If you're a top, PM Opa!