No. I've heard it before, of course, but not here.

Why are you so jealous of me, Tommy?

T, I just secretly wish someone would say that about me for once.

i had a temp job passing out free condoms at a local music ampitheater during ozzfest, et al, and the girl that was in charge would constantly drop phrases like "party like a rockstar." once, somebody told her a new shipment had arrived at the venue and she goes, "rock my face!"



i wanted to wipe stinky condom juice on her upper lip for that

were you collecting the used condoms too?

free condoms + Ozzfest =

you mean broken condoms + Ozzfest

Yup, that's what I meant.

fuck I'm out of it today.

At a meeting today, I inexplicably said "I can't go a day without sausage" and "I'm never on top" at various points. Obviously, I didn't intend for either comment to be taken out of context, but I can't blame the others in attendance from knocking those hanging curveballs into the seats.

Even without the homosexual double-meaning, I find this statement really funny for some reason.

I don't think I can go 2 days in a row With sausage.

Had a spectacular meeting this morning.


1. One of the vendors there to present to us had an extremely heavy lithuanian accent, and a lisp. The net effect was that you could only understand about 1/3 of what she was saying, but of course you can't exactly bring it up, so you all just nod along as though you're getting all of it, when you aren't. She was very sharp, and the bits I did get were great, though.

2. She took a sip of frothy coffee near the beginning, which left a big dollop of foam on her upper lip at the right corner, and it sat there the rest of the hour until it dried. So now, in addition to not being able to understand her, I also can't look directly at her while she's speaking, which made it even harder to understand her.

3. The co worker next to me booted up her laptop to take notes, revealing her desktop image as a huge close-up of Sara Palin's face. That one actually did get me to laugh out loud for a split second before the goalie caught it. I pretended I was choking on coffee.

4. The project leader was talking to me afterwards, hinting at some upcoming difficulty in her schedule as though it was obvious what it was, but I had no idea what she was talking about. She said something about "in two months, obviously I'll be out of action" and kinda looked down at herself. I tried as hard as I fucking could to tread the tightrope and not put my foot in my mouth, which basicaly means I just sorta nodded non-commitally and said something like "uh huh." But she just sorta stared at me, like waiting for me to get it. Then she says "I'll probably take at least a month of for maternity leave," at which point I realize that she doesn't know that when you're 5'1" and 250+, nobody can tell you're pregnant.

i feel like i should clap after that post, capn

I think just the image of Bob tearing into some greasy sausage is it. Afterward, he's just got that glistening liquefied sausage fat all over his face like he's just pulled his head out of a vat of cooking oil.

This tops the previous Best Meeting Evar, which was only good because a dude accidentally let one rip.

You after she says that:
"So...you're probably gonna get some of all that (waving your hand over her mid-section) sucked out of you while they've got that belly open right?", while nodding yes VERY deliberately.

Me, inside my head, after she said that:

"...there's a KID in there?"

Going forward, I'll assume this is what he's doing whenever he's not posting.

office etiquette question:


So I had chipotle for lunch (it's so sweet ... on your lips...), only half the burrito, but after that fucking food poisoning / 24 hour pray for death episode back on monday that's all I need. I feel perfectly fine, but, well, to be honest I think I'm turning the walls slightly green in here. I assume it's something to do with this being the first normal-sized meal since ... sunday night I guess, but either way, this isn't kosher. You can't do this to people.


Do I close my office door, turn off the lights, and hope nobody comes in? That'll just bottle me up with it, and the first person who DOES come in is gonna throw up on my floor before they get a word out.

Or do I crack the door open a bit and let it drift out and terrorize others?

Does drinking milk neutralize this?

"i saw slipknot once and it was totally crazy. it was probably the wildest thing i've done"

a few days later her boyfriend comes in.. wearing a slipknot shirt.

dumb couple

you need to go outside for a couple minutes... give it a big push or two... or maybe sit on a toilet ... just in case

or just duck out of there.

or leave your door open until someone says "dude, please go home"

I think I'm just gonna walk around the entire floor a few times quickly with a stack of files in my hand looking busy. Hopefully no one connects the dots.

I fart in my boss' office. Coordinate delivery of reports to drive-bys. I do it because he told me a few years back that's where he would drop his bombs before he got that office.

I have a woman that works for me. Every couple of months, someone will mention that they didn't know she was expecting. She isn't. She hasn't been for the 2 years she's worked here. She's not big all over, mind you, but her husband can ride the camel any ol' time he pleases.

Today she told stories over a lunch I bought for my people for good performance last month. The highlights:

+ Two of her kids work at the Santa station at the decaying mall, not the good mall. She used to run the Santa station.

+ She used to be the Easter Bunny at another mall that decayed to death. Once, a baby shit all over her bunny costume. Her son has now assumed Easter Bunny duties at the same mall where he has Elf duty. BIRTHRIGHT.

+ Her house is haunted. Not only haunted, but the ghost of her father in-law has pushed her down the stairs, climbed into bed with her tenant, and "walks around in white linen short shorts". Her husband communicates with his father's ghost.

+ The tenant in her above garage apartment does not wear underwear, open-mouth kisses the landlord's dog (boxer) and asked if the dog could sleep in her bed to "make her feel safe".

check that recycling bin for excess empty peanut butter jars