Good luck on the interview, chase. I've got one scheduled for 1.00 today, so please don't send my your recycled vibrations. I'm totally unqualified for this position, and don't really want it, but my manager recommended me, so I have to follow through. The salary is so high it's intimidating, and I could hardly decipher the job description. Needless to say, I'm fucked (and hungover), and applying for more work that leaves me ungratified & empty at day's end. I wish someone would go Dolly Parton on my ass & put rat poison in my morning mud. Then put me in a stunning leather bondage outfit, bind & attach me to a garage opening system thingamabob and call me Dabney.

you can do it. we can do it. i want some of you money when you get this gig, holmes.

Get a hold of yourself, man. I do my best work hungover...or drunk.

Just shoot from the hip.

Yeah, but these Newcastle farts are starting to level the entire department. I've already offended myself a couple times.

Best promotion I ever got was due to complete and utter hopelessness. I didn't have a paryer of getting it, and I knew it, and the interview was just for show. So I was honest, in good and bad ways. Something along the lines of:

"How do you think the market looks right now?"
"Bad. And getting worse by the month."
(raises eyebrows) "Oh? Why is that?"
"Because we're giving away what we could be selling on the one hand, and yet we're whoring ourselves out where it counts, if you'll pardon the phrase."

...etc. I didn't say the safe, hopeful, optimistic stuff he was used to. I didn't care... my job couldn't get much worse, and I wasn't insulting or anything - just honest. And to be fair, it hasn't worked one time since then, since not many people actually value honesty.

Hang a lantern on your problems. Sit down and say "How the hell are you...I'm hungover, I stink, I'm "underqualified" for this job, and frankly I am intimidated by the salary. That said, I will run circles around the other applicants with my natural intellect, talent, and let's face it, good looks. When do I start? I need that raise to buy some new records, fix up my stereo, and vacation in Peru."

And I'm gone!

you guys crack my shit up. ooh, I think I just layed space trax in my drawls.

let's just say that you hold our hopes in your hands, moxie.

kick ass brother. you deserve to run that town, so this should be a breeze.

go fuck em up, man.

wait, you already went, right? how'd it go?

...and not your aforementioned "space tracks"...

eh, it went ok. i'd say a 7.5 or an 8 out of ten. on the plus side, i'm wearing a smart pinstriped suit, much to the amusement of the people in my office, and the guy that walked out of the interview room before i went in looked like a doofus. so that's good. but it wasn't, like, blowjob good.

well then I think we both know how you can make it a 10.

it wasn't that kind of gig. or at least, no moreso than any other.

i mean, you gotta suck some cock sometime AM I RIGHT?!

The day I have a "blowjob good" interview is the day... I try out for porn, I guess. I HATE interviews. Without a doubt my least favorite part of the entire work experience. Even getting let go isn't as bad to me as f'n applying for a job. Just hate it.

now you're thinkin

wait, you mean you DIDN'T have to suck some cock? I've been greatly misled about the business world.

dude, lesson 1: the business man's job is to give the business.

Amen. I'm hardly sacrificing anything by interviewing, but my palms are still sweatier than two mice shagging in a wool sock. It's an agonizing process, and I really hate reviewing my work history & experience - it's a constant reminder of how disappointed I am with my chosen career path.

Just heard about a company in my industry that doesn't even list openings, just lets you apply... like "give us your resume and we'll see if it fits anything." The arrogance... just amazing. It's the whole postrate position of being an "applicant," as though it is only I who needs them, not the other way around.

I've been on so many interviews that they come easy to me now. The one thing that DOES throw me off are phone interviews. I guess some people might find them less stressful, but I absolutely hate being put on a speaker phone and answering a bunch of questions by voices

Steve

Wait, did someone say something about blowjobs and business?

Kennard Chamberlin: Do you really believe that court cases are decided by juries making decisions based on evidence and lawyers' arguments?

John Hamlinson: Oh Danny, how could you be so naive?

Kennard Chamberlin: Dan, court cases are decided by a series of blow jobs. In fact, our entire civilization is built on blow jobs.