2002

What time is it?

TIME TO TAKE A SHOWER

about three years ago i made one of my favorite lentil curries for dinner. the next day I ate leftovers for lunch. later that afternoon, while playing tetris attack with the girlfriend I sneezed and a fart I'd been holding back on (one that I could feel would be tragic and room clearing if released), slipped out. with this evil gas came a little bit of shit.

i can respectfully say that i am no chronic pant shitter and in that same scenario, any decent man would have had the same result after feasting on a delicious curry two nights straight.

happens to the best of us. my buddy shit his pants at the bar. went home, showered, and went back. shit happens.

I don't remember the last time.

But here's some good advice:
Never trust a fart.

4th grade.

2002? It was a long night.

the last time I did...maybe I was 12...it was somebody else's pants.

Never have, at least not past like 2 or 3 yrs old I guess. "Rheine Köper Beherschung," as the germans would say. Fine bodily control.

But my buddy shit has pants on the way to his senior pictures in high school. He was hungover as fuck (his parents let us all drink in their basement) so he had his mom drive him there, and half-way there he tried the one-cheek-sneak and it backfired on him. He had to explain to his mom that

1. they needed to turn around, and that
2. they needed to reschedule his appointment, because
3. he had just shit himself

That's hard to top.

If we aren't counting the occasional shart/anal leakage from a case of beer shits/mud butt, I haven't full on shit myself since I had the stomach flu sometime during my late elementary school period.

I haven't seen or known somebody to shit themselves since my years of high school wrestling. There is a reason why diuretics are banned in the sport as a weight loss measure, and it isn't just due to eating disorders.

Just now, after discovering this thread exists.

fu, you been reading hipinion?

From time to time, but the thread actually came from a smart ass remark I made to Thee Chad, and a friend of mine shit his pants three times, in the car, about a month ago.

Three times in the same sitting?

That is funny. He should have gone through with the photo shoot. Just think of the fond memories he passed up with his yearbook.

We still get a laugh out of it. ("We" including his mom)

He ran into a bad meal that twisted him up pretty bad. He's not afraid of public restroom shitting, but he underestimated the urgency and thought he could make it home. He didn't. Nothing but liquid. At that point, it's all over, but he caught several red lights during the last couple miles of his trip home, which accounts for #2 & #3.


7-8 years ago, same guy, was at a strip club in West Virginia for a bachelor party after some gambling at Charles Town. He had the rumble, figured it was no longer a matter of "if" but "where" and hit the head. He ain't picky—I've been with him when he's used some outright 3rd world bathrooms. But in this strip club in WV, there was but a lonely Beggars Banquet turlet in the middle of the floor, with no stall. Oh, and no seat. And no urinals, so this thing was permanently pissy with those soggy chunks of toilet paper stuck to it.

No way.

He told the guys he'd be back, and bolted out the door. Hopped in his truck, started hauling ass to where he thought there was a Sheetz or a gas station or something, since they weren't far off the interstate. Unfortunately, he turned the wrong way out of the parking lot, and ended up on some local WV road half way down the mountain, though he can see the Sheetz, he can't figure out how to get to it. Panic, and sweat, are setting in.

He gets turned back around, and sees what looks like a road back to the service road to get to where he needs to be. He's openly speeding to get there, because he got he quiver going.

WHAM! Railroad tracks.

He managed to make it to the Sheetz, took an old jacket he had in behind the seat and wrapped it around his waist (ha!) and went inside to clean up the best he could and throw his shitty underwear in the garbage.

haha great story!

Closest I ever came was working the brewery in Germany.


They grilled "steaks" for me and threw a little party one night at the hotel I lived in, because I was gonna be going home in a few weeks. Their "steak" is pork, with hair still on one side of it. So I had several of those, no veggies or anything, and a lot of beer. The next morning I was hungover as shit, and work started at 6am, so it was a rough morning. I got to my station and was working a bottling line for about an hour when I got THE COUNTDOWN, ie "You have 60 seconds to find a bathroom. If you do not find a bathroom you will wreck your drawers right where you stand. 59, 58, 57..."

The bathrooms there on the bottling plant floor weren't on our level, but way up 3 flights of stairs and then down a catwalk. So I bolted for it and made my way up there as fast as I fucking could without looking super obvious (I'm sure I failed). Got up the stairs, down the catwalk, and into the locker rooms, and flew into one of the stalls. Spun around, undid the shoulder clips on my company overalls, and let fly. Several sweaty minutes later, I'm thinking what a close one that was, and I stand up and notice a problem. Those shoulder straps I undid flew back up and over my shoulders, and landed right in the bowl as I was sitting down, where they have been ever since. And in standing up, they had come back in contact with my boxers, wrecking them beyond salvage.

...

So I had to do what I could with terlet paper to get me over to the sink, where I washed the straps in the sink and tried to dry them with paper towels, only they don't use paper towels, just air driers, which did NOT work well for this. Meanwhile the boxers were wadded up and tossed discretely. So like 15 minutes after I went up there, I came back down looking pale white, with wet shoulder areas on my t-shirt and overalls, and bare-assed just a few inches below the side cuts on the overalls, and worked the rest of the day that way.

My shorthand for this; Knocking on heaven's door

Me; 2004, heading to a Social Distortion show in Detroit with my friend and his gal. An hour away from home. No backup clothing. Nightmare scenario.

i have gamble and loose on a fart about once every six months. not like a turd or nothing, but a little squirt. i throw away the underwear.

i ain't ashamed, you all do it too.

dalen, 4th grade? yeah right. i can smell your shit filled pants from here.

also. i have a trick for getting underwear off in a public restroom.

you don't want to have someone come in and see you pulling your shitted pants over your your shoes... SO you just need to snag a pair of scissors on your way to the toilet.

cut off those dirty thaaangs! then flush em or bunch em up and toss em in the trash. make sure your name is not on them.

but then what do you do with the scissors? Gross

In our house we use "prairie doggin"

Example: "Shewilleatyou are you done with your hair yet?! I'm fuckin prairie doggin out here!!!"

I don't shit on ALL of my pants... I don't CUT through the shitted part of the pants and I give the scissors a good rinse.