nobody Wrote:
One of the greatest craigslist musician ads ever just appeared and is sure to be taken quickly down...I will paste below for your reading pleasure.
Hello. I'm in a band that is looking to play the same tired clubs as everyone else in front of the same 30 people because no one, from musicians to promoters, can be arsed to promote a show around here. What makes us different, you ask? We are willing to sell our souls to play at YOUR venue. That's right. We will literally sign a contract giving you our souls all for the joy of playing your run down hole-in-the-wall while your sound man glowers at us and cuts our set short by 15 minutes and the crowd the other bands bring leaves before our first song and the other bands use our set as a convenient time to load out.
If you aren't in the market for souls, perhaps other compensation can be reached. Clearly, money is out of the question since we spent all of ours on pay to play Mike Judy Productions shows to help support Mike's cocaine habit. So, in exchange for playing, how about we mop your floors or serve guests drinks or something? Actually, I'll tell you what. These are desperate times, what with all the other local bands bending over backwards to be the lowest common denominator. First, they'd play for not much money. Then for free. Then they'd pay to play. Well, desperate times call for desperate measures.
I will let you fuck me in the ass. Literally.
In exchange for being able to play your venue, I will let you take me into the back room of your choice, bend me over a table and ram your hard cock into my asshole until you shoot your cum into my colon. I don't care if you use lube. I don't care if you're gentle. I don't even care if you wear a condom. I just want to play your venue and I'm ready, willing and able to let you ravage my sphincter for a chance. If you give us time for 2 extra songs, I'll even go ass-to-mouth.
This offer is valid to any of the 80+ St. Louis area venues. Men OR women (provided you have a strap on; if not, I will buy you a strap on with my own money so you can fuck my poop chute). Please. We're desperate. We have no talent, no friends and no backbone to stick up for ourselves and demand reasonable compensation for our time so the only way for us to get shows is to undercut the other bands by playing for even less than they do.
Remember: you're doing US a favor by letting us play, not the other way around. So, just this once, let me do YOU a favor: book my band and you can fuck my asshole.
Serious inquiries only.
UPDATE: Perhaps there was some confusion as to how serious I was being and someone flagged me. Maybe Bryansblueflame played a guitar riff so epic that it caused my post to spontaneously combust. Either way, I am reposting my ad because I assure you I am quite serious. We want to play your club and I want to pay for the honor in ASS.
We have no talent, no money and our bassist might not even bother showing up because he is honestly too cool and talented to be within a 5 mile radius of us. Be that as it may, I am willing to offer up my tight bootyhole to your semi-flaccid promotercock in exchange for a 30 minute set wherein we'll play to you, your angry sound guy and our significant others (if they don't dump us before then). You don't even have to stick around if you want. Heck, neither does your sound guy. Our girlfriends definitely won't. After our set, I will follow you into your office. Perhaps you can tell my bandmates that we have "business to discuss" so as to disguise the ass orgy that will commence shortly. You will bend me over your desk, pull my pants down, whip your dick out and slide it into my greasy, untalented hershey highway. You can fuck me as long as you want. Shit, we can meet up before the show and get our asshump on. I mean, it's not like either of us will be busy promoting the show.
If you want, I'll even bring a black cape, top hat and fake mustache. You can wear the cape and top hat while twirling the mustache and cackling madly ala Snidley Whiplash while you bang out my shit tube. I know that would probably make the experience even more enjoyable for you.
We can repeat this arrangement as often as needed until my band is the number one band in St. Louis (an honor akin to being the HIV patient with the highest viral load). I am totally cool with using my butthole to fuck my way to the top, one venue at a time. You've fucked us metaphorically for a few years now, so why not take the plunge (the BUTT plunge) and do it for real this time?
My tight, pink, puckered asshole awaits your emails. I am 100% serious. Let's make this happen.
This sounds like a markclark production.
