Warning: The following topic is on a personal level, so if you're not interested in reading further, click on the next topic.

I've been toying with the idea of having a child. Crazy idea to some of you, I know, but my maternal instincts are becoming stronger and stronger as each year goes by. The problem is that I currently do not have a husband or a boyfriend, so the methods in which I would need to get pregnant are limited.

I've been researching sperm banks, an apparently popular choice by many. And am wondering if either of you have friends who have chosen this method and were successful at it. How long did it take them to get pregnant? How many attempts were made? What was the overall cost? I know a few of you are doctors -- maybe you know of someone?

As a btw, I have thought of asking one of my male friends to "help"...but, I wouldn't want any problems with them having feelings of moral obligation in assisting with the raising of my child. In other words, it's not an option for me.

I realize this is highly personal, so pardon me for airing some laundry (clean as it is). And before any of you tell me it's a bad idea to raise a child on my own, you can save those opinions. If it were up to me, I'd love to have a husband or significant other to be part of the process, but that's just not an option right now.

Thanks.

I deleted a whole lot just then. But I deceided it's your business and you can do what you want.

I don't have any advice, just wanted to say good luck! And, from what(admittedly little) I know about you, you'd do just fine raising a child.

Kids are great. Go for it.

Hee Hee. Yeah, I wrote an entire book too and then just deleted it. Felt like I was lecturing someone who I know doesn't want or need it.

From the little I know about you, Tania, I'm sure you will dig deep on this one and not make a decision like this on a whim.

Un fortunately, I don't have the answers to your questions.

Have you considered adoption?

Steve

Same boat as everyone else...(I wrote something really long, but then didnt feel comfortable, although it was only an opinion, so I edited it down to something I think expresses my feelings)

1st. Good Luck if you decide to pursue. From what I know of you, I can't think of any reason why you wouldn't be a successful mom....

2nd. The only 'other side of the coin' opinion comes witht he fact, that I definitely think the kid should be brought up with a real father figure /family oriented situation as well. And not simply to satisfy a maternal urge....

But that's just me. I'm sure you'd make a wonderful mother, regardless, and it has been proven time and time again single parent familes can be kust as successful....Keyword (FOR ME) being families.

Am I right that single people aren't likely to be allowed to adopt (by the adoption agency). As many unwanted children as there are out there, it's really hard to adopt a baby.

Trust me, I know how important it is to have a father figure in the picture. It's the reason why I've held out so long by not having a child. My old-fashioned side would love to be married or at the very least have a long term partner with whom I can share this with...sadly, there isn't anyone in the remote horizon.

Adoption is VERRRY expensive (as if raising a child isn't, right?) and out of my reach. I've thought of that route too. I've also thought of becoming a foster parent -- but knowing me, my heart would break each time I'd have to return a child.

Btw, this isn't an easy decision to make. There would be HUGE changes in my life to be made. I'm selfish with my free time, love my independence, already have someone dependent on me (a disabled parent) and realize that there would be very little of my current life left after having a baby. Do I really want to give all that up?? Yes, because deep in my heart, I know it would make me very happy to have my own son or daughter and giving up part of the life that I lead now would be a small sacrifice.

Having a 1 year old...I don't understand how a single parent can make it without going insane and broke. Noah is a handful, but he is an easy kid. My wife is now home with him all day and needs a break as soon as I walk in the door, if not sooner. If I had to pay for a babysitter, that would almost cut my salary by 40%. I also have family health coverage at my office. Without it, we would be absolutely screwed.

Not to scare you or anything, but I think you need to have a budget ready for this stuff. Also, I never imagined how much having him would change my life. I rarely go to shows or such, and the only times I go out is when my wife is watching him. Babysitters are hard to come by and an added expense. I'm all about the numbers, but I love him. You need to be ready for that absolute life change too.

tania, i think it's wonderful that you're considering raising a child. all i can do is tell you a little bit about my experience as it was fairly non-traditional.

when the ex and i initially decided to have children we couldn't find a donor who could seperate himself from the child enough to be minimally invlolved in their life. so for 18 months (once a month) we ordered frozen sperm from a sperm bank in california at $400 a pop. it broke us financially but ex finally became pregnant.

12 weeks into the pregnancy we found out that there were more than a few serious problems with the baby. we did research, went to see experts at children's memorial in chicago and saw several doctors at yale. in the end things looked extremely bleak so the pregnancy was terminated. we were crushed.

after several months we decided to try again but not use the sperm bank because we were broke. so the hunt began for a "live" donor. we tried one guy only one time because he couldn't stop smoking pot long enough to build up a decent sperm count.

we tried a close friend who was very willing but moving to england to start a business. he gave it a shot but no luck.

finally we found a friend of a friend who had actually helped her become pregnant because her husband had a vasectomy and they wanted one more child (they were all very close friends.)

so "j" was it. "j" was older, married with 2 beautiful children, a writer and independent filmaker and stated that we could "count on his negligence." the first time was a winner and we had a daughter. 3 years later he agreed to help again and after 2 tries we had a son.

the kids know their biological father and see him once a year when we go to chicago. they all get along fine and "j" and my daughter really seem to have this major psychic connection.

as for not being raised with a father in the home. i've always wondered if my kids were affected by this and i'm not sure. we have many close male friends and relatives so it's not like there are no males around. maybe time will tell.

what they have had is an incredibly loving home and have been loved and attended to with unconditional love. whatever problems my ex and i had/have that led to the end of our relationship, none of them involved the kids. they have had an extended family that care for them--and this is what i see in you tania. unconditional love and a family (traditional and extended) that would embrace a child with all of their heart.

people sometimes say you need to have x amount of money before you have a child or a certain kind of home or yes today, even a husband. having a child is not just about logisticcs--it is truly a matter of the heart. raising a child on your own is hard as is raising a child with a partner but if you have the support of people around you it is hardly impossible.

i'm sorry for the interminable rambling. i have a lot of strong feelings about this. in the end you have to choose what's right for you. if you really want to have a child you will find a way to make it work. good luck and feel free to e-mail me about this if you'd like.

again, i think you'd be a kick ass mom.

i agree with you tj but there is no way anyone is ever "ready" because until you have a child you just can't understand how enormous the change in your life will be. you think you might know but until you get there...

...and 1 year olds rock.

I was mainly trying to prepare her for not being able to go to concerts anymore. :p

My best friend is raising a daughter by herself kinda....
she lives at home with her folks, so the grandparents are around, but its still her resposibility...The dad is around, but has proven to not be as 'involved' as he should be, and treats it more like an obligation to spend time with his daughter then 'wanting' to....

She is making it through...I guess living at home helps in the expense department, but its not easy for her...

no kidding.
every time someone tells me they're pregnant with their first child one of the first thoughts running through my head is, "your life, as you know it, is over."

I would vote for you if you ran, ayah.

Tania, I don't have a novel to write for you, and if I did it would start and end like this: I think you'll be an excellent mother, and I know that you'll make the decisions that are right for you and your family, whoever constitutes it.

Well Tania, let me say that I respect you for wanting to bring a child into the world and I have no doubts that you would be a wonderful mother. The way you carry yourself on this board confirms that. Just please do me a favor and consider having this baby the traditional way. I'm sure any one of your male friends who love you would do that for you or even one of us CMJers. A sperm bank is just so impersonal for something that's so not.

Anyway, let me know if there's anything I can do to help. After all, another indie rocker in the world can't be a bad thing.

I think you really, only want to name something. So, buy a boat.

Well that would be a first. Tania, Chris. Chris, Tania. Make baby.

We're running out of stuff to talk about so get to it.

Yeah, with all the so-called manly men on the board, leave it to the gay guy to do a man's job.

Well, in the interests of emotional detachment....

Besides, you haven't been gay THAT long. It'll all come back quickly enough.

Sorry, Chris, but your mom and mine already share similar names. It would be like having sex with my brother!!

yeh, why is adoption expensive? does anyone know?

but that baby would have the greatest smile.

Again Jonathan types what I was thinking in a much more simple and lovely manner than I would have been able to.

Lawyers.