is there actually celery in the stuffing? i see green in them thar hills

Seriously, I'm fucking cracking up over here. Also, that looks gross, and I say that as someone who doesn't mind the occasional foray into shitty food.

Wait for it. I'm on the other computer composing the next installment- the eating.

awesome

and yeah, i honestly love some really trashy food, but this is a whole other level

Yeah, I find the "yellow substance" around the "potatoes" especially disturbing.

So, on to the REAL experience: eating. But, WAIT...be still, my racing heart. Have they spoiled the whole mess with something green (other than the run-of the-mill mold), like a fucking vegetable?????



No worries, good people- at first, it appeared to be a minute piece of (gasp) celery, but closer inspection allayed all fears. It was actually the body of a newborn sloth. Yum yum.

Finally, the eating...

The mashed potatoes- I'm seriously glad the viscous yellow liquid has formed a molecular bond with the bulk of the potatoes, and is thus visually imperceptible. And, there's no smell of mushroom cellars, so I think it's safe to fork it. Tasteless, and the mealy texture is saved only by the occasional foam cube that abandoned it's cozy quarters under the meat go for a swim. And, it needs salt. Seriously, anything for some flavor. If there was video of me eating this, I have no doubt I would look like a dog with a mouthful of peanut butter.

The stuffing- Goddamn. Have you ever frozen Stove Top, then thawed it out, added no water to it, and called it done? Also, the stuffing that was hiding under the turkey (i.e., 90% of it) is just nasty, chewy bread crumbs. The other 10% that soaked up all the gravy is actually not bad, if you like drinking the Dead Sea through a siphon hose. Creeping Jesus, either all the oxygen has been suddenly sucked out of the room, or my left ventricle just slammed shut.

A halfway done pic (12 minutes and 32 seconds in) :

You think I fucking didn't????

Your kitchen smells like a cross between a landfill and a peep show booth right now.

Well, naturally, but it's like I could feel your disgust.

So, I'm just into the third quarter here, the Detroit Lions of "foodstuff" have me goose-egged. Cold sweats, shortness of pants, and other symptoms are manifesting themselves. I take a forkful of peanut....wait, no, of potatoes, that's it, and **crunch**, bite down on something that has my severely impaired heart sinking down to my sweaty feet. There is NOTHING in this container that should crunch like that. I spit it onto a napkin. Great bald-headed nurses on parade! Only two choices enter my mind:

1) I've broken a tooth on mashed potatoes.
2) The ass-eyed Laotian food professional that slopped this tray cut his toenails directly over it.



I immediately discount the broken tooth theory as being relatively unlikely (and physical verification confirms this), what with the consumable being mashed potatoes and all, but, DAMN THE TOENAILS, on to the finish line!

damn.

Oh man I'm killing myself here.

OK, after gargling with a solution of Tinactin and cheap vodka, where was I?

The Meat Product- Well, it has the texture of a superball that's been sliced thinly and boiled for a fortnight. Amazingly enough, it has some taste of turkey to it. Maybe it's just the gravy, but really not awful.

The Finish Line:



And my hand to God, there was no legerdemain involved, nor did I scrape it all in the trash rather than eat it. What you see is what genuinely was left. If the dog hadn't died 3 years ago, I'd lick his ass to get the taste out of my mouth. I still may go out back and dig him up. In the meantime, I've had 5 Foster's and may go knocking on doors in the neighborhood in search of Dilaudid.

In summary, and in all seriousness, I've eaten worse, but not lately. And it didn't come frozen either. For this one $5.79 "meal", I could buy enough bullets to take out the neighbors on both sides of me, and the occupants of at least 2 houses across the street and have meat for at least a month.

And I'd eat another one right now if I had it.

Who's next?

I dedicate this to tentoze: motherfucker "walked that aisle" today...

Actually, this is even better and more appropriate...

So I'm sitting on the crapper right now and that toenail bit made me laugh so hard my defacation accelerated 1000x. Wow

that looked even worse than I imagined it would. wow. makes me almost nauseous. i salute you...not sure that's the right word.

There is no way I could have finished that shit.

Well, fuck, now I'll have to change my username to Ex Lax.

seriously, that was a great installment. bravo.

i just got back from the store. all they had in the freezer case were one pounders. i want to be staring into the eye of god when i open this thing, and that aint gonna happen with a measly one pounder. ill try other stores but looks like peapod has some 1 1/2 pounders, so that will have to do as a last resort.

i'm a bit concerned that based on our regions we will run out of options, and hope that we arent faced with duplicating meals as their roster only goes so deep. we should send this thread to swanson to comp us with their whole XXL line

O man, that's Flair at the top of what he did so well.

Looking at that caloriecount or whatever list, there were only 4 varieties of XXL meals. Can we get some fact finding going on to figure out how wide a pallet we've got to work with?

Follow on: If you eat one of these and have a significant other, be prepared to shower after about 6-8 hours in order to be considered a fringe member of the human race. Think Bobbo and Chik-Fil-A.