I laugh when my i hear my young cousins talk about wanting to be grown up and done with school....i'd trade with them in a ny minute.

2 of my best friends are getting divorced right now after trying this strategy and finding out that a baby might just put more stress on an already troubled relationship. i'd guess this strategy is a terrible move for at least 80% of couples.

also, is it cynical for me to say that if a couple is having significant problems in a marriage less than 5-6 years in, its probably not going to work out?

way to go, eeyore.

True. Having a kid is a terrible solution to a relationship problem - but I don't think that was Phil's original issue, or what Bloor was addressing.

To be fair, I didn't know about the relationship stuff when I suggested a kid--I just thought he was bored and possibly self absorbed.

Or what Mutty said.

We're overworked a bit, but who isn't? We don't see each other much, but I do what I can to try and see her more. We both pull our weight around the house. Hopefully she'll get promoted and her schedule will become more regular with much more normal hours.

No kids for now, but we hung out with a newborn this past Sat. in the hospital, and it was definitely a wierd experience. Not a bad experience.

Another issue is I think i'd HAVE to get out teaching if i was going to be a parent, just for me.

I think the issue is more like I feel like i'm spinning my wheels, and it's really just a hamster wheel.

oh having a kid is supposed to make you less self-absorbed? uh oh.

a new job (plus more $$$$$$) definitely got me out of my funk. and on top of that i packed up the wife and kid and now we live in a big ol house in the burbs and i fucking LOVE it

I got nuthin' for ya, duder. But I like eating your food and going to most of your gigs (the ones where your lead singer isn't a trainwreck) so let's try to at least keep that part going, OK?

you never see her at gigs though, do you? She's wiped.

Ryan, are you in the HP by Dr. J's folks? I thought you were talking about Colorado or some shit.

yep, we are and it was the best change. colorado is definitely the master plan, but since i got this new job we're going to be here for at least a couple more years

Isn't Cap'n Fish-fuck the former petecockroach? I thought I had seen that mentioned.

Anyway, I thought CFF was one of the GARS, like an Ol' Kentucky or Pagoda type, who posted infrequently & was having a laugh at/with Cap'n Sssqqquuuiiirrrgggllleee. But, as usual, I was wrong.

Phil, it sounds like Deena needs to take more time for you, because it is important to you, and she loves you. You are too busy trying to make her happy that you are becoming unhappy. It's a tough middle road to follow, because her spending more time with you will negatively impact what she wants to be doing and her goals. You don't want to get in the way of that and be resented.

Also, don't have a kid to save the marriage. That puts so much more stress on a couple and leaves even less time for each other. Everything becomes "all about the kid" and the relationship takes a backseat. Both people need to be comfortable with this going into parenthood.

Seek not external things.....

Thanks Tim, i think that's pretty sound advice.

Paul... that's too yoda for me, but i think i dig what you're saying.

hmm perhaps it is yoda.. or buddha or hobo joe.

Whatever it is - my point is that for me, the source of discontent is inside oneself - and therefore the answer to that discontent also has to come from inside oneself. From my point of view, I am usually very aware of the symptoms or effects of my discontent (uphappy with job, relationship, "life") but tend to treat those effects as if they are the cause. Thinking that if I change these external factors the discontent will go away- when instead, I end up only trading one symptom for another.

This is less a mid-life crisis in my mind ,than a disconnect with the missus which is fucking with everything else. Once that gets rectified and realigned I'd wager you'll be feeling better. And if a career choice seems like something that needs to be addressed, consider the cooking. It's a passion as much as music, right?

Just chiming in with those saying having a kid is about the worst idea for marriage saving that people try.

And hell, may as well be a dick. Take a good look at if you want to save it anyway. If you're more interested in separate things than each other and careers are more important than the relationship and you've not been in it long and don't have kids to worry about in the split...well, just remember you don't have to stay married if its not what you want.

Then again, if she does take care of that career, a woman with solid income is a really good thing to have by your side as a musician.

I think you've got to decide if you're an artist or a suburban hubby. If it's the former then get selfish, risk poverty, and apply yourself 100%. For the latter, just stay the course and get used to feeling empty.

this question has stumped me far longer than i care to admit

I still say you should open your own version of The Spider House, where you are executive chef and band leader, while Deena is general manager and head barista.

Bingo.

While I am inclined to agree with most of this I'd like to say that no matter what sort of zen buddhism you practice, being in an unhealthy job situation can be a huge source of discontent/frustration.

We spend so much of our lives at work and no kind of reflection can relieve this stress if you have a shitty boss, co-workers, and hate what you do. For me, I need at least 1, if not all of the following:

1) People I like working with and respect
2) Satisfaction with the work I'm doing
3) Paycheck

You can choose what you value most and make trade offs but if you are getting NONE of the above then your work can lead to a large of amount of discontent that can bleed over into other parts of your life.

Just my opinion. I was dealing with this exact scenario and am taking steps to fix it.