Funbag Wrote:
Time to wrap up this week with a GREAT MOMENT IN POOP HISTORY. Reader Bryan submits this story I call COUNTRY TIME POOPADE.
So my wife is kind of an organic food weirdo and always makes me eat and drink various weird food items that she says will help me lead a "natural" life. One day, she says, "I think we should do a lemonade cleanse". I thought, "I like lemonade, let's do this".
Well, come to find out, a lemonade cleanse is a ten-day fast where all you do is drink a mixture of lemon juice, maple syrup, water, and cayenne pepper. I promise it is just as disgusting as it sounds. The goal is to cleanse your body of all the nasty shit that houses itself inside of you after eating the common western diet of processed food. To aid in this evacuation process, you are supposed to do a salt-water flush every morning (or every other morning) of the ten-day cleanse. The salt-water cleanse goes like this:
1. Drink a cup of "Smooth Move" tea the night before (I prefer the chocolate flavor).
2. Wake up the next morning and drink 32 oz. of water with 2tsp of sea salt mixed in (totally awful in every way).
3. Wait
4. Shit
5. Profit?
Well, the first time I did this, I did not manage my time well. I woke up an hour early and drank the saltwater mix to allow myself time to "evacuate". After an hour nothing was happening so I said, "Screw it, I gotta go to work".
On my way to work I feel a nice healthy fart brewing and I raise up the right butt cheek to let forth the gas. What happened next was the scariest thing to happen to me while farting that I've ever experienced. Liquid shit shot forth out of my butt and filled my underwear while simultaneously dripping all down my legs. It was the warmest, slimiest, most disgusting thing I've ever felt. Moreover, the smell was that of a freshly soiled baby diaper mixed with burnt hair.
Luckily I was able to drive home and clean up. The first wave in the car was only the beginning. I began to shit with such ferocity that the sounds alone coming from the bathroom were nothing I'd ever heard before. Even crazier is after the fourth day of not eating solid foods, the salt-water cleanses produce the most otherworldly shit that comes out of your intestines. I'm talking alien-looking shit. Once you get all that stuff out, you then proceed to shit-piss which is kind of fun because your asshole feels like a vagina . . . always a fun feeling.
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