Clearly Loogar and I aren't implying you need to embrace the fact it will never happen. Hell, he is married, has a kid and is arguably the most successful person on this board. I was merely stating that sometimes you need to hit rock bottom or near it before you come to your senses and start doing what is right for you before you seek out another significant other. That "time" everyone is talking about isn't really worth that much unless you address your own faults or realize why the relationship failed/they cheated on you. There is simply no good reason to jump into another relationship, if you haven't personally addressed the reasons you aren't happy with your lot in life or consuming excessive amounts of alcohol by yourself.
I personally think I was running from problems a.k.a. shit that was actually making miserable before the two year stint in loserdom.

seriously. you should listen to no one other than radcliffe and me.

I'm not a clinician, but it practically sounds like PTSD to me Mick, based on how this is making you feel. Maybe a short term round of atenolol to make the transition, along with the practical advice offered here and avoiding triggers that might initiate these maladaptive tendencies.

Atenolol isn't bad, I used it for awhile to treat my rage.

I think I saw the episode of CSI, Lethbridge when you forgot to take it.



Seriously, where is all this terrible advice coming from. I don't know which is worse - suggesting you need to wallow in misery for a couple of years and intentionally shoot for rock bottom or telling someone that you have no idea whether they have a drinking problem or not that they should stop drinking.

It just takes time. You'll be better in three months than you are today and better still in six months. You might not be ready for a serious relationship for a couple of years but that doesn't mean you have to be a complete sad sack or life failure for a couple of years.

Keep telling yourself that you are better off without her. You won't believe it right away but one day you will. In the meantime, lean on friends, avoid triggers of memories, and embrace the new found freedoms that you have. There has to be things that you gave up for your relationship - irresponsibility, reckless spending, drinking with the boys. Do whatever it is that you missed. It really helps balance things out.

Quoted for truth.

I certainly understand romanticizing seeking oblivion and do think that a little excess can help but it's not constructive.

In the end, as cliche as it is, time heals all wounds. Go back and read tentoze's suggestions. Hit the gym. Working out can help alleviate some of that rage. Take some guitar lessons (even if you don't need 'em, sometimes it can open up your playing). When you do come out at the end of the tunnel you'll be in better shape and a better guitar player. Basically, look for constructive ways to occupy your time.

He's got you fooled.


This just blew my mind, but in this instance I think radcliffe is right.

The problem is that constructive things don't fucking help when you have no motivation to be constructive.

And I'm not talking about a defined period, and I'm not talking about loserdom - I'm talking about shirking responsibilities to be a productive member of society and seeking solace in drugs, alcohol, illicit sex and a ton of shit that won't really make you feel better, but will be a little bit of fun for the here and now.

And what the fuck, you'll wake up sometime and just figure out that you want to pursue different shit, but you'll always remember what it felt like. This reminds me of the speech in Swingers where he tells Mikey that you miss the pain. But fuck it, it's true.

And just because we all tell the guy something (good or bad) doesn't mean he's really going to listen us.

And Timmy, I ain't pullin the wool over anyone's eyes. I ball. HARD.

if this happened to me now, I would listen to rad and ayah, but looking back, if it happened to me when I was mick's age, I would have appreciated gar's advice much more.

Mick,

As an example of someone having felt the feelings you're going through: In November 2007, I came home from Sen. GAR's bachelor party to find my recent ex-girfriend wide-eyed and sweaty from just having hopped of her new dude's cock. I know the feeling. It fucking sucks, because psychologically, guys treat being cheated on as a personal attack to their masculinity and encroachment of territorial space.
But like billyg said, you'll get over it in time. I SWEAR. You need to take this chick off a pedestal first. She's not the greatest girl on earth, or she wouldn't have cheated on you. After my ex and I broke up, I moved in to a one-bdrm apt by myself, went on a fall/winter coke, painkiller and alcohol binge then after the New Year I sunk my energies into a rebound girl. Once that mistake was over, I got laid a bunch and it was fun as hell and gave me that ego boost I had been seeking for a year. I'm not recommending all of it as everyone deals with stuff in different ways, but getting laid a lot and having fun while doing it is a surefire way of forgetting the ex who cheated on you.

i feel like we are perpetually being reminded of this

Did you split dark oak?

yeah, let's all take advice from a divorced lesbian and an unhappy old man.

exactly right. plus you'll have great stories, and you won't wake up on your 50th birthday saying "what the fuck have i even done with my life?".

Send the food back.

See, I call bullshit on this. Its not like Derris was recommending he go learn a foreign language he'll never use and isn't interested in or join a book club and read a bunch of classic novels like Ulysees or Moby Dick that every normal person hates. He was recommending he occupy his time with something he probably enjoys and maybe didn't have the time to pursue. I'm not against drinking, drugs, and illicit sex being a big part of the answer to the extent that they are things that it might be reasonable to assume that Mick enjoys and didn't have the ability to pursue when in the relationship. But do them because they are fun social activities not because you are trying to hide from your problems or because there is anything noble or romantic about falling off a cliff and hitting rock bottom. That's just a bunch of bs.

Becoming an alcoholic, drug-addicted, sex-freak will really show this cheating slut that she screwed up. She'll probably come running back to you once she learns that you lost your job and have few prospects because you skirted all your responsibilities.

Mick, just do what it takes to get through the day. Hold on and eventually you'll get over this. If you need to, talk to your friends and family about it.

I am all in favor of drinking, drugging and being a sleazy slutty mother fucker. But I just do that shit 'cause I like it. It's not the answer to anything. I'm not gonna uncover some deeper truth in the bottom of a bottle of between some stranger's legs. You just gotta remember that she was the one who did wrong, you are fine; you are the good guy in this. You deserve better. Find it when you're ready. Until then, like Billy G said, do all the stuff you miss doing when you're in a relationship. If that's carousing until all hours, great. If not, it don't matter what it is. It can be bird-watching or playing fucking checkers. This is your time to be a little selfish and just do what makes you happy. It is kinda like the divorce thing, and what really has been great for me getting divorced besides enjoying the sleazy side of single life has been reconnecting with friends and enjoying my own needs and desires. Being alone can be a great thing, you just gotta have the right perspective.

And stop thinking of her when you jack off...that shit ain't healthy.

Being sad and/or mad will lead one to write some of the more inspired songs in one's life.

I concentrated on work and music and let everything else slide. And then I got a dog, and she was the single most redemptive thing that has happened to me in my entire life.

Time helps, but it doesn't give you closure. You can go looking for closure, but you probably won't get it. By the time you do get it, say 14 years later, you forgot you were bitter because you had better things to do.

Right now, music will be more there for you than anything, stick with that. Binge on some vinyl.

for a second i thought this was for FT and thought "what the fuck is he gonna play it on?"

This is some weird, wild shit.

Ya'll could've saved yrself some trouble and read my post

When I was 23 the woman I was living with (my childhood sweetheart and my soulmate in every way) fucked around behind my back; even though I believed in "free love" I was absolutely devastated for about six months. I listened to Keith Jarrett's Death and the Flower over and over. I became agoraphobic; terrified even to buy cigarettes at the liquor store.

Within 12 months I had gone back to grad school. Within 18 months I was the happiest I had ever been, completely free like I had never felt, personal and radical transformation seemed available to me every minute of every day. I felt spiritually grounded and lifted and my spine was white light. I've never felt anything like it.

In 24 months I was fucking men.

It's going to be fine if you seek that. It's going to eat at you forever if you seek that. We do have choices... you are what you think. But you also don't have to follow any rules.

The woman that broke my heart is still my friend. I love her completely still. I don't give a shit whom she fucks.

Yeah, them drugs probably ain't a great idea considering I've been clean for a while now, and used to have, well, let's just call it a hunger. I'm only 22, but I've lost years of my life to drugs and I don't really want to lose anything else.

Plus, I don't think coming down from a speed binge at 9 am on a Tuesday morning would be very much fun in the state I'm in.

That said, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't really fucking tempted...

I am closer to this side of things as I process this all conceptually. I have a really hard time suggesting flippantly to people that they should over-indulge in what for many people are highly addictive substances and/or behaviors. It's dangerous and piss fucking poor advice.

That said, there is no way to make it not suck, but I do like stu's advice about dropping her off a pedestal. You may not have meant it that way, but it does sound like you hold her up a lot higher than she has shown herself to deserve. It's both an admirable and unhealthy quality in terms of your perception of women, just depends on how it plays out and in this case it seems to be on the unhealthy side of the fence.

Time is key. Eventually, once you separate yourself from the emotional side of things, you'll start to see all the things that may or may not or should or should not become red flags in future relationships. There is no way to avoid that creeping and overbearing feeling of inadequacy something like this causes, but it does get better. My biggest suggestion for getting through this would be to surround yourself with people that love you and know you well. People that will be honest with you but will also encourage you and stroke those parts of your ego so you feel less inadequate and I don't think this happens at the strip club after pounding 50 beers.

Anyway, that's my 2 cents.

So in that case, you've got your head on straight about that type of shit already.