or a friend's old man... as is the case here.

My friend's dad gave him this speech one day when he was pissed at him for being such a slacker:

"You be eatin' BROWN bread now, boy. The bread of LIFE. The bread of MISERY. The kinda bread you gotta EARN!"

Classic. Whenever I pass this story along, I always wind up doing his dad's voice as Bing Crosby for some reason. I have no idea why. He sounded nothing like Bing Crosby.

But he did look like a browbeaten, french-Canadian version of Ben Stein.

I could relate the speech I got the morning after accidentally walking in on my parents "getting busy" but it's still extremely traumatic for me.

Steve

My dad tells me "You only need 3 or 4 beers the entire evening" when I go out. HA. I want to tell him that I drink that in 30 minutes, but I don't want him to worry.

From a buddy of mine, after being caught in the act of self-pleasure around age 15:

"Adam... sometimes we... we let our little heads think for our big ones. Do you understand what I'm telling you?"

I remember my dad saying something to me when I was like 9 or 10 about people who shirk responsibility. Like "People who don't work enough to feed their kids, or Dudes that run around on their old ladies "

Irony knows no bounds.

While visiting my parents in Wisconsin last summer I told my dad that I wanted to pick up a Peter Gabriel album. His reply “Peter Gabriel, that p***y”. If never heard my dad use that word before and he rarely swears. He gets on my mom for swearing too much. Luckily I wasn’t drinking at the time or I might have sprayed my parents computer with my beverage. I couldn’t stop laughing and I still chuckle whenever I think of that moment.

My Texan bro-in-law... "Our budget is stretched tighter than a flea's ass over a rain barrel."

"When you get to be my age it won't matter if you was at Iwo Jima or not. You'll still wake up with a fat wife and a gimped-up back and go out the door with white socks and dress shoes. So shutup and go to sleep before I give you something to cry about. I used to shoot Japs. I don't have to let you live, you know."

Or pretty close to that.

I definitely have gotten may "When I was your age, i was humpin' a 100 lb. rucksack through the jungle and sleeping on the ground" talks.

"Son, your mother and I will always love you, even if you turn out a serial killer. Just keep it in your pants until you're married, and we're all good." Exact quote. I've got much better, but this thread gives me a headache.

One from my mom:

"Philly, the queers and the dopefiends and the Catholics may come calling and the whores and cultists and the colored rock & roll may look like great fun, but remember it's just sin for a season and there's always peace in Jesus."

Or pretty close to that.

My dad's classic line was always "Shutup and tell me what happened!"

'And my mother brought me up to believe that if I can’t do something right I shouldn’t do it at all. Of course, my father told me she gave lousy head, but that’s beside the point." - Banky Edwards "Chasing Amy"

my dad said "if you're going to have sex in the garage, make damn well sure the entrance to the kitchen is locked next time"....and then didn't talk to me for 2 days.

We got in a fistfight when I was 15, then he moved out. My mom's boyfriend tried to talk to me about church and sex and stuff after that, but he always seemed a little nervous.

Mine suddenly stopped paying alimony one day when I was 15, packed up w/ his evil wife, and moved out of state, all in a day. Ididn't hear from him till I was 18. It hurt, because we'd been friends when I was growing up, lots of contact, almost every weekend. So then one day he calls, and starts trying to have a normal conversation.
"Whaddya look like these days?"
I grew my hair out.
"Oh, what, down to your eyes or something?"
Down to the middle of my back.
"...Oh."
etc.
Then the next year, during my first yr in college, he asks about declaring a major, etc. I wasn't sure, thought maybe something artsy. "Why don't you go into business school?" Because I don't find it interesting, etc. A very quiet yet thorough argument ensues, right there in Hardees, culminating in him calling me a momma's boy, and me telling him "well at least she raised me. You gave up the right to tell me what to do. Get used to it." Yuck.

Now we're friends. And now I'm trying to get into business school, 10 years later. There's a lesson here somewhere, probably.

The funniest thing my old man ever said was "Your mother and I are spliting up but I'll still be around".

My dad's "birds and bees" talk with me went something like this"

(door to my room flies open and a box of condoms lands on my bed)

Dad pointing at the box:


"USE 'EM!"



and that was it.

my dad wasn't real funny - but my friend's dad, this ultra christian fundamentalist (who never swore or said anything about sex)was explaining to us about "the gays" and he said that "in gay couples you always have the manly one, the study, and then you got the bitch." We rolled on the floor about that one for about 30 minutes - we still talk about it. Just the way he said it - too funny.

Order a time machine like in Napoleon Dynamite, go back in time to that moment and ask him "which one are you" and watch him completely unravel.

I wish I could - the guy is a real douche bag. he asked my friend Dan if my then fiancee would be wearing white at our wedding since we had been living together...

A friend of mine's dad would always screw up various cliche statements. The classic one was: "For crying outside, this isn't rocket surgery!"

ahh.. good times.

LooGar, Cap'n, and Busty wii attest that my dad is a funny, funny, but somewhat strange man; a business genius who also sometimes appears to be mildly Autistic (I call him "The Rainman"); Amongst, the millions of arguments and ultimately good advice he has given, I do remember this one after a particularly bad string of getting into trouble:

"Son, do you ever get away with anything?" I laughed out loud and he pretty much took a swing. Funny shit, good times.

Richard is indeed hilarious, in a "sometimes I'm glad he's his dad" kinda way. What was that old bumpersticker he used to have? "Happiness is a positive cash flow?" And every damn tool ever made in that garage. Every single one.

Good thread. Funny stuff. Keep it up.