"Hey, Colin, your mom's gone for the weekend with her friends. Let's pick up some beer and a few bimbos."

I think he stopped his joke when I was about 12 or 13.

'Ey, would you want to be cock-blocked by your thirteen years old son? I think not... Talk about a signal of one's impending mortality -- really.

My god that is funny- I actually just worked that into a meeting I was in. The confused facial expressions made my day.

Dad and Mom also had replacement phrases for swearing.

A typical phrase:

"By the ever-loving rotten old blue hen, if you think I'm your bolly umphrey sweet maid, you've got another think coming, you lazy little twig in the mud."

Guys- we have a screenplay in this thread. Or, some fantastic communith theatre anyway.

My dad's favorite non-swear word was "dagnabbit."
One time when I was about 16-17, we were helping my sister move and I was having issues with whatever I was putting down. I got pissed, and said "Goddamnit!" Loud enough for my dad to hear. And he comes into the room and points his finger at me and asks "What did you just say, girl?" and I repeated what I said, and he yells at me, "I'M the only one who's allowed to say that word around here!"

He also picked me up from college one weekend and asked me how everything was going (remember, I went to school in downtown Atlanta, and home was about 25 miles south, so it wasn't an uncomfortably long ride). We talked about classes and stuff. And he asks me, "Are you drinking a lot?" And I said, well, I don't know if I'd say a lot, but yes, I get drunk on weekends. I don't know what I was thinking, but I volunteered the info that I had tried pot for the first time too. And he just looked at me, then looked back at the road and said, "Yeah, I figured you'd get around to that... just don't tell your mother."

Dad's a cool cat. And he just turned 79 yesterday.

Good god. that's quite a tongue twister. I'm impressed they could get that out in a fit of rage.

Dad and Mom were 1940's party kids who became devout Christians in the early 50's, so they tried not to do anything "worldly."

The swearing phrase would have been along the lines of:

"Good God, if you think I'm your fucking maid, think again, you little piece of shit."

Dad used to say "Lover!" instead of "Lord!" And "Good Gravy!" instead of "Good God!"

My step-dad on why my dad married my bitchy step-mom - "she must be good in the sack."

when he was 15, an acquaintence of mine came home one night a little drunk with two girls, with the possibility of some three-way action impending. He found a super size box of condoms lumped on his bed, containing what would have been 500 of the little suckers, placed by his dad. That was his sex-talk. No three-way.

" I loved your mom, hey, I loved your stepmom, Chris, what you need to know, is: I'm a serial monogamist, and probably, since you're my son, you are, too."

Chris, son of David, now into year 6 of marriage.